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2006 Heckuva Question The ‘heckuva’ brought back to me warm memories of the President’s father: during a 1988 campaign visit to a drug rehabilitation center. what’s to like? (or was it trying to fasten diaper pins?) If we were lenient on small matters and strict on large ones. 2003 Questioning Local Specialties If I can find those gnarly little dark pumpernickel bagels that we used to get at Tannenbaum’s. I was wondering if you fellows drill in that first name approach in your Executive Pest Training Program. but can anyone imagine that there was ever a time when somebody tried to persuade Henry James that. ‘You mean the Hamilton Holmes up at Georgia?’ I went up to the window and asked for four tickets and the man said. Mayor? How are things in your city? What if he dashes into the office of. Word Riot. why not editors? Who’s the big enchilada over there? Are you doing this for me? Are you prepared to sacrifice your own home just so Nixon will be back in public view and I’ll have a chance to get in a kick or two? Why should I make any sacrifices for someone who couldn’t even come up with Annie tickets for the aunt who more than once changed his diapers in his hour of need? Then why? Could Aunt Rosie finally have developed some sympathy for Richard M. but does your dummy have to speak Latvian? Is some natural law at work—the same natural law under which fifty years of tax reform has produced more millionaires who don’t pay taxes than there ever were before? Will everything now come back? Child labor? The SpanishAmerican War? Could this be what Ronald Reagan means by a new beginning? Will all of us have to eat Velveeta on stale Wonder Bread at wedding receptions? Daddy. Fred? You were going all the way from midtown to a kosher dairy Questionstruck 141 restaurant on the Lower East Side. the Reader’s Digest or me?’ Getting much mail on the future of the Atlantic alliance? Getting much mail on the fruitcake question? Getting much mail that says he’s probably not all that dumb? Do I get ideas from readers? Does it occur to you. after all. Peru? What would you do? What can one say. what test was that young man who showed us around the New York State winery taking when he got three out of seven? Could I have forgotten about carne avocado? Or is it possible that I somehow didn’t know about carne avocado? Is it possible that knowledge of carne avocado was.000 people for 100 nights during the summer of 1968? Then you wouldn’t object unless he started putting his magazine out there? His magazine? Mr. and then it occurred to me that she had. freak you out. ‘Did Charlayne. huh? But how can she be certain? You’re not really going out of the house wearing that jacket. Carruthers? Wouldn’t it be great to have an occasion to really share your innermost thoughts with some very accomplished people? Is sitting through panel discussions the way some people want to spend New Year’s weekend? Are some people’s innermost thoughts about new technologies? Does it strike anyone else as odd that someone who would have been identified by the local newspaper as William J. and yet you picked up a hitchhiker with the intention of having a liaison with her at a motel? Would a man really commit premeditated murder for the rather indirect benefit of acquiring two hundred thousand dollars for a corporation he owned one-quarter of? Would a man murder to remove a ceiling of fifteen thousand dollars on his salary? How much more than fifteen thousand dollars could someone expect to be paid for managing a Cantonese-Polynesian restaurant in Marietta. you get your car out. Mike? And? So how come. why are you telling me all of this? Why am I telling you all of this? Should I give it to a stranger? What if the Rug Merchant was telling the truth? What use was it to a back-of-the-book floater? What could be his reward for bringing in the story of the First Lady’s pregnancy? Would management be so impressed with his skills as an investigative reporter that it would impose on him an even longer sentence in the Washington bureau? Would his obvious grasp of the Washington scene earn him a permanent assignment in National News? You know the thing about the President? Did you ever get down Paula McGuire and Avery Duncan? The copy boy? Nothing on the Bombshell? You’re sure you don’t know anything about Syracuse Smiley? May I ask what 136 William Walsh you were doing in Washington Heights? Why would a bar in Washington Heights cash your check? All right.?’ What was to keep him in Kansas City? But what if it hadn’t? What if. God said. would any American company be able to bid on that contract or is Halliburton the only corporation with the resources and expertise to take on that job? 154 William Walsh from A Heckuva Job: More of the Bush Administration in Rhyme. she had a serious drinking problem that she’d rather not see widely discussed? You want to throw a snit or something while I get the cereal? How many times today have you. is this some sort of nutso fixation. ‘Were they empty or full?’ I’m always saying. but you’re cutting down on paying for it? What are you talking about? Not even one letter? Can you top this? What good was that going to do Jane? Who would have thought that all we needed to clear this up was a prince who lives in Beverly Hills? What are we talking about here. who can you trust? If one cannot trust one’s trusty. but how were we meant to find it? How am I going to get along in a place as foreign as Japan when even an Italian menu can cause me to bay in a public place? Where’s you spirit of adventure? That’s what I mean about mystery: why would anyone want to be anything but polite about noodles? Does that mean ‘I ate too much’ in Japanese? Did he think that I may have once suffered some slight at his hands which he had long ago forgotten and was now. what’s your favorite video game? You play video games? Do I look like a person who does not play video games? Did you ever play that? What happens in it? Do people kill each other with sofas or does the warrior use the sofa as a shield while he shoots poisoned darts into the villains or does he jump off the sofa the way you jump off a trampoline and then kill the bad guys and tear their throats out? But who gets killed? Is that the only video game you play? Is that about a raider who’s like a commando raider. why don’t you pick up a pound of herring salad and a whitefish? A nice whitefish? What kind of business is this? Miss Goldhurst? Remember Mr. Becker wondered before he met Waldo Brookside. Jake? Jake? Whom says so? Does that letter have to be answered by Harvey? If you can’t trust a trusty. you suppose. can you give us a report on the mayor’s condition? Do you know at this time what the grievance is? Do you know why they released him? Was Larry Casuse Murdered? A disgruntled client? An ex-wife? One of the undesirables that people said St. my God. honey? What was the town in Mexico you told that reporter from Baltimore you were from? But what was the point of it—even with verisimilitude? The President of the United States? What? The President of the UnitQuestionstruck 135 ed States? The president’s wife you’re talking about is the wife of the President of the United States? Now that I think of it. sir? How about this lovely number in black? Wouldn’t it all look alike? How many hours must they spend every week sorting it out? Hey. you’ll move back to New York. would have ever expected to find the Great Dried Beef in the Sky (not to speak of a superb fried-seaweed dish) across from the Golders Green tube stop? Would I go to a French restaurant in Juarez? You know what he told me? How were the oyster loaves at the Acme today? Could it have been a mere coincidence that Willard Marriott. ‘Why not think it over and repent?’ Why does a fireman go into a burning house to pull out a child? Why does a man jump into a cold river and pull a young boy out? Why do men do what they do on the battlefield and save lives. who need it no more than you need water in your shoe. you’re sure.keyholepress. after all. why did we need all that schmultz? Did I go to London to stretch my Kansas City Blues baseball cap on an antique hat stretcher? What’s this. if you changed your name to Iran for absolutely appropriate reasons—your country happens to be on the Iran River. you got any grass to sell? What are a few hundred dollars compared to the life of a man who risked everything in order to smash a flourishing drug ring in West Chester? Were you engaged in any other activities that made you valuable as a police officer? And why did T.000 to 5. how do you know that Heather’s boyfriend didn’t plant a real runestone near that boulder—a stone he found a few miles down the coast. didn’t you? Are you sure you don’t need a picture? Rosalyn? Remember Maime Eisenhower. what could be wrong with a statue of Jesus Christ? What will the motels and hotels do when the Passion play opens and we release at 11 P. what have we got so far. has faded? Destroy Bahrain? Bomb France? Invade Peru? And rulers who may seem okay? Though both are in the evil axis. are you.’ Duane? Kind of C-looking. why didn’t you say so. that she’s only on a PT boat? What can I say? Wherefore art thou nittany? Daddy. four. nor bathe as often as they might). Thomas Aquinas. by Harper & Row and Reader’s Digest—the plaintiffs’ claim being that Sticky Fingers. in fact. and subject it to the sort of withering sarcasm that sometimes.. where the seating arrangements seemed to guarantee every customer the benefit of every other customer’s conversation? A what? Do you know how many books were dedicated to me during my nine years as editor in chief? Had he gone back to being a wonk? Could that be? And why. the White House caterer? How are you. how about those new regulations in Title XII of the Farm Price Support Act revisions? How about them? Did someone discover a vaccine? Did mono change its name? Remember when you got a nasty little bump and your mother said if you just quit talking about it for a while it would go away? You say you know someone who ahs herpes? You say you know someone who got bit by a vicious pit bull just a few days ago? Remember when the chaos in Lebanon was such a big problem that he sent marines in to keep the peace? Then a couple of hundred marines got killed in that barracks bombing and we pulled out and Reagan simply quit talking about Lebanon? What barracks bombing? Which marines? Which Lebanon? See what I mean? It may be that Kansas City was more worldly than Texarkana. at least. Murray? Game? Are we putting law-abiding citizens who have broken no law whatsoever behind bars now for what we believe might be their intentions? What makes you think my client is here to contravene the order against unlicensed demonstrations or exhibitions? You were? May I serve you. Maison du Whopper—but when we reached the immigration officer I found that he did not have a scratchy pen and did not say. not a prince) called similar episodes in his life? Who but an upper-class Englishman would sneak away from someone who looks like Princess Di in order to play around with someone who looks like Camilla Parker-Bowles? Was Gillooly the guy sleeping on the couch 66 William Walsh when John Wayne Bobbitt had sudden cause to seek emergency room attention? Or was there a Dr. does he? What are you going to do. Mayor? How are things in your city? How’s the Countess? Did you ever get that little plumbing problem at the castle attended to? Isn’t that the old duffer who’s always dozing off during National Security Council meetings? Well. are you? How does an elevator operator know words like arriviste. I’ve been saying to Harvey for years. referred to Richard as ‘Perlie Girl’? Would it surprise you to learn that Rocco is now a psychotherapist in Sherman Oaks? Am I saying that the invasion of Iraq was a diversion. what’s insider trading? What happens to someone who gets caught at insider trading? But what’s his punishment? Don’t they ever have to go to jail? May I recommend a bowl of this stuff that gives you the same amount of energy the Olympic decathlon champion gets every morning at breakfast? You mean none of them keep their eyes closed while they count to a hundred? But if everyone who works on Wall Street does the same thing. whether those towns are known for their pasta con sarde or not? Why don’t we just eat in the hotel? What better way to demonstrate one’s seriousness than to start a campaign to change the national Thanksgiving dish from turkey to spaghetti carbonara? How about the hippies? Now can we see the hippies? Was Uncle Benny responsible for the First Word War just because he was already in St. and what do you want done with the crown jewels of Rumania? Find anything yet? Shall I keep skipping? What is the purpose of being willing to reveal the contents of a purloined manuscript if there is nothing in it that bears revealing? The Nation had just been sued. Sprigg. Estelle? I said. with Steve McQueen? The one with the car chase up and down those steep hills in San Francisco? Did you happen to see a videotape of Raise the Red Lantern? Yes or no? News of Clinton winning New York? Bush pulls ahead in Texas? So what if its ability to beat or tie us had more to do with the wiring of the electronic game board than with its skill? What’s the largest state—in area—east of the Mississippi? How can we be governed by a man who experienced nothing before Jefferson Airplane? What good is it to talk about the big picture with a man who has no basic first-hand experience with the music of Perry Como? Is Jim Baker available to reach a UCLA school of religion course called ‘Church Management 101: Imaginative Ideas in Religious Fund-raising’? Or is he still in the slammer? Does that sound familiar? If you’re the smartest man in the country. an alcohol abuser. worded in just that way? What would be a good sign to put in the car to discourage crackheads from smashing the window so they can get at six cents in change on the floor and the spare fan belt and an old pair of pliers? How about ‘Use Words Not Hands’? Listen. turn fans into dangerous loony-birds? If O. for instance. if the story Wentzell had told him was a cover story? The President? First Lady? The baby? The obstetrician? Then what? Even if Becker did manage to confirm the First Lady’s pregnancy—a process that would presumably require calling strangers on the telephone—what would he do with the information? Could he present it to Fenton on the condition that he never be promoted for having obtained it? If Fenton wasn’t interested—he often seemed wary of stories that had not appeared in the newspapers first—could Becker take his business elsewhere? What if Wentzell’s trip was pure fiction? What if it was not part of some carefully orchestrated scheme but simply a notion that floated into Wentzell’s mind as part of one of his wacky little ‘projects’? Or could it be written as fiction? Might it be the material for one of those blockbuster Washington novels that had made so many people rich? What is the army chief of staff doing there? You coming? Does Rocco have Milt Questionstruck 137 on the phone? Why couldn’t Rocco call him from home? You fellows going to lunch? Who told you that? Why don’t you ever run into him and Towndsend’s wife playing kissy-face somewhere. aren’t those the kind of things you could talk to our own congressman about? Kansas City? What are you—some kind of out-of-towner? I suppose your senator has to be from Missouri? Does it really make sense for me to rent an ocean liner for someone who thinks I’m prone to exaggeration and who may therefore believe. Abe Trillin—the guy with the Questionstruck 97 yellow ties? What brand are these? What’s the matter? And who are you—a movie star maybe? Did you check her teeth? What’s the name of this store again? Does it have anything to do with Cartier’s? Since when did you become such a big defender of the New York Publishers Association? Or could it have been the cowboys? For years. along with a note that ended. will $40. Clifford? Could you do that really. then why didn’t we have more children? Could I have diaper pins confused in my mind with buttons and zippers on Questionstruck 119 snowsuits? Hey. Barnett? Isn’t Barnett just too much? But why would he put down his own majority group? Do I feel left-out in Jewish age? Don’t the traditions of our people mean anything to you. Gennady Yanayev—a piano in the shrubbery? What’s that. can I sue? Is it true the employees of The Nation are forced to sell flower and candy in airports and turn the proceeds over to Victor S. but all this isn’t that you’re angry about something. Cosa Nostra. right? Daddy. or a dirty old man? I wonder how much he paid for that suit? Would you prefer to be called a boozer. that she had what one of Bob Bergman’s colleagues might call a repressed hostility toward my attempts. Inc. given the problems with the water supply and the infrastructure in general. did you fellows know that a hummingbird weighs as much as a quarter? Do you think a hummingbird also weighs the same as two dimes and a nickel? But then she asked a question of her own: How do they weigh a hummingbird? And what do I find when I get back? Will there ever be a time when I’m able to leave this country with some peace of mind? Do you really want to go through that business about Gary Hart’s real name and Gary Hart’s real age again? Do you? Which reminds me: What’s this business about candidates having to prove how sensitive they are by whining about the tough life their granny led on the prairie when there was no such thing as fabric softener? What’s this about confessing that they used to take all the chocolate Neccos before offering the package to their little brother? What did I tell you before I left? Will anything ever get done right around here when I’m gone? What did I tell you before I left? Why don’t you people ever listen? Moderate? Did someone say something about a moderate? What? Why does everybody think it’s Peoria? See what I mean? How can you not even know about a city that’s bigger than the biggest city in four other states. champ. and start to be no fun to be the last remaining superpower? You were not one of the fourth-grade girls who used to push Richard down the hill on Fuller street. Questionstruck 77 do all local television newscasters. Shanahan said. dear? Is that the jacket you’re going to wear? How come Daddy doesn’t have to finish his vegetables? Don’t those places where there are starving children have starving grownups too? Where the hell did she throw the bottle now? We did remember to tell you not to join any cults. Mr. Sir? Why not buy your tickets from the Worker and help the paper financially? But how can a symbol of American society be criticized while it is criticizing American society? How many Vietnamese fought in our Civil War? If the girl from General Electric is singing about urban sprawl. when February rolls around and we start hearing about Black History Month. they want to know. Murray? How about you? Magic? So you and Ruth had a talk? I mean is there anything that’s troubling you here? My God. Segue. Anderson? Will Tom Bird be charged with another murder? Had one of the murder schemes already uncovered by the authorities resulted in Anderson’s death after all? Or could it be that little old Emporia had three hit men? Was Lorna Anderson a temptress who merely used Tom Bird to help get rid of her husband? Or did the death of Sandra Bird— perhaps caused by her husband in some fit of rage—lead inevitably to the death of Martin Anderson? If Tom Bird and Lorna Anderson were bound together. do you want this shirt to go to the laundry or what? What do you think about going back to England sometime this summer? You don’t have anything that would keep you here. but what makes it swoosh? Is there a big huge person moving back and forth on the bottom? So what is the answer to that one about the tides? But what does make the water swoosh? How’d that Kissinger book go. if you want to be that way—walking past Hymie’s? Whom? What’d I tell you? So? Then what happened? And? And what? And whatdo-you-think? Who was it? But how could you not know? What did she look like? Why couldn’t she be leaking the word to him through the Rug Merchant? Why couldn’t she be an agent-inplace for the antiabortion lobby or even the President’s mistress? Why couldn’t the forces desperate to hide the First Lady’s pregnancy have done Mary Jane Wheeler some harm? Where was she? Where was the Rug Merchant? Could the flu have been a cover for some other medical interlude? Could Mary Jane Wheeler have found out? What’s the matter with him? Are you sure about all of this? How can you know? How are you? How is the family? What’s this left-handed dentist’s story? You don’t know? Did I really say that—Dermatologist to the Stars has been scratched? Clears up? With regular washing and some sunshine? What does it have to do with Medicine? Now that I think of it. are they aware that. Joe. the Boston political writer with some connections to the Kennedy family. elevator service not going all the way to the top floor these days? Don’t you see? Did you know you’re not the only Circulation Fulfillment person in Boulder. Navasky who pays you a century for each column? What if I got kidnapped and they called demanding ransom money? I don’t suppose you’d have any inclination to see if you could talk them into settling for thirty cents on the dollar. who was through with classes for the day. Fringe. Jones? How is that new santo of his coming? And may I ask you how you’re able to put your hands on crabs of this quality? What’s the problem? Did you have trouble persuading some of the float drivers that the pothole they’ve feared since childhood is really gone? Do you think Larry’s going to last the day? It’s great to be here. what would he say? And what sort of spongy grey meat is good this time of year? Listen. he said. Galabrino? Why? What is more delicious/Than knishes? Did you get a good look at her artichoke hearts? What is more delicious/Than knishes? Isn’t that the Prince de Chimay? I work for a very crude man who never says anything to me but ‘Hey. does The Nation choose to publish only every other week in July and August even 164 William Walsh though oppression of the downtrodden goes on every day of the year? Or have I missed something? Could it be that the unionbusting racists who run Southern textile mills treat their workers with respect and brotherhood on alternate weeks in July? Are the political prisoners who rot in the jails of fascist dictators in South America permitted during the summer to alternate a week of freedom with every week in the torture chambers? Or.A. 2001 Going out? Are you going out? Was it something that might simply come to him. are the stretches of curb reserved by ‘NYP Plates Only’ signs so far from police headquarters and so convenient to the theatre district? Do newspaper editors who leave their cars in Larchmont during business hours really need NYP spaces near midtown restaurants. or you wouldn’t want to take the blame for being responsible. I wondered. Dr. depriving her of the attention of whatever parent has to make the pickup or interrupting her schedule for a totally unnecessary car journey or. the new management’s financial papers refer to its target audience as ‘upscale families of the baby boom generation’—why would he come right out and call them that? If it weren’t. would Alice seem so insistent on staying in towns that have world-renowned ruins. could get away with giving itself a name as silly as RX-7-SE? How about Tab? Well then. after all these years? Now that he wasn’t trying it several evenings a week under the pressure of Hector’s watchful eye. though but slightly undermining the Constitution by plea-barQuestionstruck 159 gaining with Puerto Ricans? And shall we. then? So that’s what did it? The mung beans for mortar? So you said you wouldn’t go back there the next year? So that did it? Could you please pass the fried stuffed bean curd. and what does he find? How do you think it makes Phil Caldwell feel to pull himself up by his own bootstraps. then? What happened to you? He didn’t do it. destroying some small country by mistake—announced that he had gone to Boy Scout camp with Marc Rich? Do you think a lot of people would say ‘Uh-huh’ Questionstruck 165 or ‘I bet’ or ‘Oh. Benton. despite the things about them you could cite (that what they write is often quite confused as well as recondite. or you’d get him? Do you feel you risked your life? Do you know what he calls me? Not part of it? Not part of it in Dorchester County? What I must tell that lady? Come and see you herself? You mean as long as you had to lay them off anyway. to buy something at one price and sell it at another price as it is to drive a truck or dig a ditch)—how many people out here in my audience.F. ‘Do you have a happy-to-be-me doll?’ Well. about someone who was planning to eat. or do you mean you don’t have a job? Why is it that reporters covering an election campaign write almost exclusively about who might win. say something like.’ and I said. who would have the gall to take credit for ‘One Way’ if he hadn’t written it?— What did you have to do with ‘Shea Stadium Parking?’ Do you like it? Was that your ‘This Is Water Mill—Slow Down and Enjoy It’—I saw on Highway 27. rent controlled? Are you looking for a spot? What have you done with our grandson? Did he run away from home? Have you put him in foster care? Is that what you’re doing. that if a magazine devoted to furthering the cause of supply-side economics opened a block from your house. the inspector continues. Colorado? Doesn’t it seem to you that the chintz on that armchair is getting a bit tatty? How long have we had that couch? What do you think of that couch? Couch? See? Couch? Which couch are we talking about? You don’t see how threadbare it’s getting on the arms? Arms? Threadbare? The car? What’s wrong with the car? But how can you claim to be hounded by one guy who’s not even fully awake? But why should he care? What other product.C. Max? Remember when he was here for lunch? The way he sliced his steak? Nurse. in his house in Georgetown? Looking for more material for anecdotes? Just picking up some pictures and personal effects to take to Aunt Norma? Why am I only learning this now. Mike? You think I’ve swallowed a miniature Sikh for some reason and he left his tiny dagger in my mouth on the way down? You think I’ve got designs on trimming the mayor’s toenails or something? Your retainer? What are you doing with a retainer? Teresa. what are we really talking about. how about these individual. what are you doing over here?’ Charlayne. Murray—it was Questionstruck 45 the serious Murray—if we go to England. sir? Did you notice the way the sign picks up the horizontals of the window frames? What’s all this ‘picks up’ talk? Why don’t we tell him about the farm problem? How do you know you won’t read it before the end of the summer? But do you actually think you’re going to read A Time to Heal by Gerald Ford? I don’t suppose you’ve read Caveat: Realism. would ‘Adrian P. what? Did you come here and say. the way you’d reassure a person whose feelings might have been hurt. but if we find it necessary to repeat rumors and gossip concerning your personal life. don’t you think a boarder would be a better idea? Do you think. I don’t need this darn thing’? How about another splash of coffee.000 custom-built dream home the sort of thing Cashflow has in mind when he goes on about shelters? Aren’t all $250. ISBN 978-0-9821512-0-4 Library of Congress Control Number: 2008942441 www. what was it that Michael Deaver was taking a lot of money from the Canadian government to lobby for controls on? So you’re thinking that by shoveling money in Deaver’s direction the Canadians finally got as hip as they’re always telling us Toronto is—right? And what was the name of the crowd lobbying against control 26 William Walsh of acid rain? You didn’t guess that? What’s so dumb about that? Let me see. Printed in the United States of America. or would that be an extra charge? There’s enough advice for a book? Did I already tell you about the cottage? What are we saying? Mr. what sort of scene do you like on the label? So listen. even if that progress included convection ovens? When all was said and done. or what? If everybody already knew that Prince Charles had been unfaithful to Princess Diana. were credible options to Gore? Emissions? Who should monitor their flow? Do all right-wing morals police have copybooks with blots? Does Fallwell have a floozie. the way a smooth golf swing sometimes comes inexplicably to duffers once the tension of their expensive lessons has ended? He’s not going out? What do you mean he’s not going out? Something in black. sir—you in the back row? Sir? What was that. Trillin? Why aren’t I in le nouveau grand monde? Because you speak French with a Kansas City accent? Why would you want to go there anyway? Didn’t you read that the host is so phony he added his own ‘de la’ to what had been plain old Oscar Renta? Who can blame a man for not wanting to go through life sounding like a taxi driver? Why don’t we just call Fats and tell him we’ll be there for a gourmet tap dance? Would I be ready if the de la Rentas phoned? What are we going to do? If you folks are so rich.. of course. but is there a memorable phrase that links our problems with Ronald Reagan? I don’t supposed you’d be interested in any side bets. with some contortion. Fats? Where else could you forget a restaurant like this? Who would wish such alternatives on a pal? But did you like it? Did it make you happy? Did you clean your plate? You sure you want angel-food cake and a glass of milk? Where do you usually go in Chinatown? Whadaya drive? Is that place still good? How could I begrudge Ben an additional day of rest. but that he has to mow the lawn? So how’s school going this year? Are they ever going to finish this place? But where the hell is the train? A raccoon that shoots baskets in answer to mathematical problems? 68 William Walsh American Fried Questions from American Fried. it didn’t buzz the other day? What didn’t buzz? Why? Would that really be convenient? Editorial in the Post? Are you going to tell me about the complications of some places No Parking Eight A. didn’t we? What’s new? Did I have to worry about one of my daughters being provoked by news of the White House conference to cast blame on her father for being an irresponsibly uncommunicative brute during those early-morning encounters? You don’t happen to recall hearing anything in those days about pilgrims wending their way to Canterbury. how do you explain the fact that at Hale H. did that mean that Alice and I considered television a large matter? Junk food? Did you ever get suspicious about why we had so many sleepovers next door at Tamar and Ariela’s on Saturday night? Was there a hidden agenda here? In the back of our minds did we have some educational program worthy of reporting to the inspector from the Responsible Parenting League? Does anyone here know anything about the way land was acquired by settlers in the state of Oklahoma? Anybody? Do you 120 William Walsh know anything from Kiss me. except. according to reliable sources? How many guesses do I get? Why one hundred and thirteen? But why? How? What made him think that the First Lady was pregnant? Why don’t we discuss it at lunch? Is Rocco talking to Milt? Had there been another leak at the White House which somehow found its way to Holbrook? Did this mean the President’s wife was not. Charlie? Who would have predicted that Charlie would be invited back by the Prime Minister? Who could have predicted that he would refuse to return unless she apologized personally for the incident that began when the immigration officer responded to Charlie’s approach by calling for reinforcements? Would you have to use some kind of glue to hold the cookies together. in that thin air. Roland? Oh. Becker wondered whenever he received one of those. 2004 Questionably On He Sails So what’s it called if during the war you criticize the President for any reason? And how long does this war go on (and this is where this theory’s really pretty clever)? How ‘bout Kenneth Lay? Why would anyone question the stability of someone rational enough to avoid a place where people might shoot at him? So is there some lesson in why his gilt-edged campaign failed to fly? And no. the Socialist President of France. could you please pay a little attention? You mean I didn’t really throw a silver dollar across the Rappahannock? What cherry tree? You mean I’ve chopped down cherry trees before? Where did you think the money was going to come from? How would you calculate the odds of winning the lottery for someone who hasn’t bought a ticket? Does the rule mean that you must change sides in the middle of the street? But what does she say when you suddenly leap to the other side of her in the middle of the street? Isn’t it grand? Are you disappointed in me? How was I to know that you’d turn out to be a nobody? Is that what you call what we have? Is twelve million dollars chicken feed? What can I tell you? 96 William Walsh Questions from My Father from Messages from My Father. are you for Forced Busing which will Destroy Neighborhood Schools? And now he’s told me he’s all for integration. does Ashcroft. sir? Whisper in my ear? What was that? Does it count if the envelope falls open in your hand? Could we please have some comment on that from the group? All right. would you prefer to be called a womanizer. was not invited? Was I being overcautious? Could I cast doubt on the patriotism of someone who has borne witness to some twenty-three hundred hours of Little League play? Did I think there was any chance of alcohol abuse by someone whose intake of strong drink is limited to a chocolate-marshmallow daiquiri every other New Year’s Eve? On the other hand. Questionstruck 149 what could this…committee do in view of the demands that the black students have given it? Now. 1996 Was he a Mormon? A health nut? Was he someone who had some rare allergy to coffee beans or caffeine? Does it occur to you that. isn’t there a danger that village dogs might sniff around the heaps and end up being wide awake for a year and a half? Why shouldn’t I be the chairman? Why don’t you people ever carry change? You don’t happen to have the exact change. Mommy? They like sleeping on a piece of cardboard? But isn’t sleeping on the street cold and nasty and scary. how come ‘Lincolnesque’ just means tall? When did historians begin referring to the second term of the Reagan Administration as Voodoo II? What harm does that do? Someone else wanders over and says to Norbert. as long as you’re here. if not slogan—the barbecued-mutton capital of the world? How come this is the only area where mutton is barbecued? Is it good? Just ‘not bad at all’? You had six or eight meals of it today. I mean what do I tell them? When people ask me about it. Do you want him gazing out toward the sunset or picking his nose? Do you really think that’s fair? What bright side can one find in having to spend three more years hearing incessantly about a First Family so predictable that it could be predicted in 1928? Aren’t you even curious about what it means? How about ‘heuristics’? Is that the same word? Where would publishers eat lunch in New Jersey? Will you please stop kvetching? Is spelling the sort of thing that modern young couQuestionstruck 105 ples get straightened out beforehand in marriage contracts? Is it really an accident that neither of you can spell ‘commitment’ but both of you can spell ‘embarrass’? Alice. non-functional. do you? What are you. does it occur to you that we may be approaching the area that some might consider invasion of privacy? Teresa. Duane? Just between us? May I ask why you didn’t tell Mr.? You want to know why it doesn’t make any sense? So are you lost or what? But you don’t find me still mad about it. is it? So what do you think? About Sixty-eighth Street? What? You’re putting me on. as they say. and drive it down to Fifty-seventh Street. walked into the J. by the way.P. who have six on your hand. can I really trust you? What’re you working on? Wild monkeys? You’re writing a story about wild monkeys? Wild monkeys in Dahomey? Aren’t all monkeys wild? That cheer you up. as long as you have the book right there? Can the Vice President spell? You mean they gave him a quiz? How many did he get right? So what did they do to him? What do they call them—the Slow Learners? Could it really have been. that the Chinese and the Czechs. how come everyone has to stand in line for soap over there? You mean they want everyone to be 32 William Walsh dirty? Did you notice all those people were chanting the same thing and holding the same flags? And Poland? Where they had to give up power? Is that part of their plan? And was I also above making cracks about the possessions of Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos after their sleazy palace was exposed to the world? Wasn’t I the joker who said it was difficult to believe that Mrs.S. ‘Are you talking to me?’ And he said. No part of this book may be used or reproduced without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. Joe Bob provided a ballot that said. get my car. for instance. Baker. ‘I’ve been ‘Buked and I’ve Been Scorned’? I used to walk by those frat houses. you have any extra pillows?’ Why? I say. If you can’t save my store. ‘What’s this? What’s that?’ Is that true? What are you doing here? What were they wearing? What did they have in their pockets? What was cooking on the stove? What song was playing on the jukebox? I have an activist nature and I would simply focus on the question ‘What can we do?’ Get an airplane? Get a valve? Was there a better respirator somewhere? Was there a doctor somewhere? Let me ask you whether. who attracted a coterie when he was plopped 124 William Walsh down on the Old Campus of Yale from Sequoia High School? Where was the Denny Hansen who wowed everybody’s parents at graduation—the person who acted completely natural while he was being photographed the entire weekend by Alfred Eisenstaedt? Where was the Denny Hansen who. France? Am I really saying that I went to Paris to escape chiggers? You think that’s weird? You think the traveler from Sedalia should be thinking about the beauty of Paris in the history of western civilization? Doesn’t that make you feel better? Were there also chiggers in New York. once and for all. it sounds less foreign— and then a country right next door that has a perfectly good name of its own.? Carol. Bush administration? The unit’s full? Oppose the war? Questionstruck 155 How can he be so certain still? You know the things I miss so much it hurts? And when will it return—this orange protection? Who’s willing to draw water for George Bush and carry it? Who worked to take his DWI rap and bury it? Who thinks anyone critical of him is Judas Iscariot? Though through the code. isn’t this a little out of your line? A fast food chain? Are we to stand by helplessly and watch Questionstruck 139 them? Could Wolferman be right about Katz? Did she intend him to read the previous user’s letter. yes. or can I actually hear the sounds of worms turning? You say a turning worm makes no sound? But how about a chorus of turning worms? You say such a thing is not possible? You say those boxy little Russian cars will never Questionstruck 59 make decent stretch limos? You say if the worm turned that much. what was the difference between the Chinese scientists in San Diego and the Chinese contract workers who mined phosphate in Naurua? Also. do you? Would Proust have been ironic about the madeleine. after all these years. Sukey? Too fat to be President? Am I the only one worried about how unhealthy the people who work in health food stores look? Why isn’t there a Whole Grain Defense Committee working to put some meat on their bones? What were you doing in a health food store anyway? Why do you keep going on about soy waste? Soy waste. mess with that gray matter? Is it possible that you’re the only one here that bought a ticket and everyone else is the cast? No wonder we’re always half sold out. does the film critic of a main-line American daily newspaper do about movies like The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave and Malibu Hot Summer and Bloodsucking Freaks? Does he pick one out. so how can you be so sure it is? What if all this stuff about good clamming around the boulder is a coincidence? Or. ‘What are we doing here?’ Teller says that he and Penn would like to try a stadium show someday. has General Lingeman been summoned here seven times in the past three days? Does he. some kind of wimp or something? Do you have any idea what a busboy gets paid these days? How can you bother me with area codes this soon after Earth Day? Do my ears deceive me. I asked Scott. with Nixon’s arms jerking away from Agnew’s back every now and then to flash the victory sign above them? Is there someone at the door? We even had questions about whether the sort of change Clinton had promised was. Mr. I don’t need this darn thing?’ Might you prefer to be briefed by someone less arrogant and condescending? So how come Bush had such an angry face? Why else insist that sanctions couldn’t have worked and that the evil terrorists who lurked around those parts could get a germ bomb if we had not removed posthaste Saddam? Could this explain his odd expressions? Is there proof he was being told ‘If you can hear me now. both now devoted to the free market. please? Is there any place else I could reach her? Could you tell me what her status is? Detached? Could you tell me what that means? Why had the rug merchant told him to call Mary Jane Wheeler if Mary Jane Wheeler was specially detached? What could specially detached possibly mean? Have you called her yet? Why shouldn’t she be all right? You mean you think someone might have wanted to do her harm? Does he know we’ve sent queries on two-thirds stockings? Whadawe got now? Didn’t we do fish in dishwashers? Genine? Is it like a trend? What’s next? Sink stoppers? What else you got. the Mafia. Paul’s School’s boat-house fund? Could it be for instance that the Founding Fathers. may I ask. would say the low. ‘Tickets for what?’ Now I’ll ask you if. Dr. Two Cars in Every Garage?’ Well. could you at least give the discounter across the street psoriasis? Did I mention milk and honey? Has the point of Deity Overload been reached? Who was I to interfere? How. if I asked who was on the list? If the only Chinese family in town doesn’t run the only Chinese restaurant. or do some people have prefabricated dreams? In ten years.T. as the final blow. the gym coach? You come in here from Queens to get lox? How many of my old fifth-graders make the newspapers? What’s your game here. the law think the day would come when he’d be asked what his own son did and he would answer cheerfully that his son was a chef? Could he imagine that there would be a day when he’d be asked if his daughter was married and he would answer. right? Mr. 1978 Daddy. if I only get eight hundred dollars for this ring. Art? Do you happen to know. you were Hotchkiss. and Riboflavin until March of 1994? Daddy. so how could he have a pension number? If so. guy. right? Did you say ‘eat in the hotel’? Couldn’t you just relax? Did she Questionstruck 127 say. explain to the pickets that the decision had been based on cholesterol rather than political considerations? Is an eater being fair to the family he supports 70 William Walsh if he substitutes for Nathan’s hot dogs some inferior lunch that so depresses him he performs badly at his daily task? But what if the son he supports grows up to be a radical professor of Latin American Studies and says one day. that a crowd of dieticians had actually been lured into Joe’s Jungle? Does justfolksism go that far? 72 William Walsh Further Questions of a Happy Eater from Alice. and fancy buildings? Who was it who took her to Chartes. might it just appear. one day? Can you imagine the response these days if Castro told the country that the Americans were so mad at him they might invade? And listen. how do we know that the golden retriever doesn’t want a seat belt? How do we know what he would do if he had the ability to read the statistics put out regularly by the National Highway Safety Council or if he had the manual dexterity to buckle a seat belt himself? And how about cats? What about cats? Well. 1994 Could there be anyone else who was inspired to write poetry by the presence of John Sununu? Who could ever forget Ed Meese? That’s their idea of dash. I predicted the appointment of the White House’s new deputy chief of staff? And what created the hole in the White House staff that Lader was brought in to fill? Did we discuss cold-remedy commercials yesterday? So what did Weber do? How do you expect to grow up to be an independent human being if you can’t even get along without your son for three days? What hapQuestionstruck 65 pened. but why should a person want to go down to Athens? Then I asked my husband one day—he belongs to two clubs. the Russian ambassador would say. Bill so we told them we went to West Point? Remember that? Hey. awfulest kid? Are you divorced yet? Why not? You folks from Indiana? Have they been to Parrsboro? Doesn’t it seem to you that the chintz on that armchair by the window is getting a bit tatty? Just how do you suppose that Alice knows so much about what’s au courrant in clothes? Just how do you suppose that Alice knows? We’re leaving. Spoor Questionstruck 21 at Pillsbury. we Missourians have avoided violence—although. 1984 Why did you have to do that? Were they going to make a lot of money from the film? How many millions of viewers would see the pictures of poor Eastern Kentucky people? Had they refused to move? Had they taunted Ison by saying he was shooting blanks? Did the people who signed the release forms really know what they were signing? Does that make me crazy? Mahan. why did you put your fate in the hands of a lawyer who could do something that dumb? And what is the difference between Milken and other ex-cons? Why is he respectable enough to be teaching at the UCLA business school? Why? What happened? Are you sure he doesn’t smoke a pipe? Could it be that about a year ago. while Kim relaxes. did someone so dumb as Blinko Moshler get through law school? If law school is hard to get through. and I’ll ask her. please? You mean she’s out for the day? She does still work there.’ as they always say. woman to woman? But what does having troops in Cuba have to do with the Marines invading their own base? Could I have some milk on my Rice Krispies? Daddy.S. a trout amandine in a Midwestern French restaurant be? Will the slaughter on our highways ever stop? Is there no end to the carnage wreaked by the Killer Trucks? You want me to take it down now or will you come back for it? You mean 76 William Walsh because of all those Egyptian tombs and everything? Don’t you see it? If you ate the page for breakfast.? Or Jack? Why? To prove his independence? To make a fool out of his own father? What? But doesn’t that mean that he cooked up the whole thing? What? But why would we have to prove it? What? What? What’s he saying? What’d he say? What are you talking about? Heather? But how could it be Heather? Who else knows about this.KEYHOLE PRESS - Questionstruck 5 Keyhole Press an imprint of Dzanc Books www. that the Lord takes an interest in who is going to be the leader of one of His most powerful nations—particularly considering the fact that the other most powerful nation is controlled by what is often called ‘Godless Communism. Roland Magruder. for some reason.S. although he looks like Willard Scott? Who’s the guy who made us gladder by the hour that those in charge of judging John G. started calling itself Iran? How would you like it. would a fortytwo-year-old man be eligible? If chiggers exist only in the Midwest and South. would you? Aren’t they all fakes? Have you had sufficient time to familiarize yourself with plaintiff’s exhibit? But can’t you tell it’s a fake just from the inscription? And this one does? But how about this one? Are you trying to tell me that this inscription is so far from making any sense that it might be authentic? I don’t suppose you have many first. particularly if he had fetched up in a place where you couldn’t get a decent madeleine if your life depended on it? So you think she’s just humoring her old dad? What could it hurt? Do you think Nikki might come back. can you decide policy for a state you can’t even pronounce? What would you think if Margaret Thatcher pronounced Great Britain as if it were spelled Great Bribben? But how about Eagleton? The question is. was it really the right thing for me? Now you think I should come back and advise somebody on the tax implications of his real estate deal? That’s not the one Stover was in. branch last year. Eddie. did it occur to you that one of your kids may someday publish a kiss-and-tell book about your administration? Never gave it a thought? You’ve got nothing to hide? Nobody would be interested in the story of an ordinary family? You’re confident that your kids are too loyal to think of embarrassing you by revealing those insignificant little arguments about money or the scene over the boyfriend with three earrings and a modified Mohawk or the incident involving the Thanksgiving turkey and the cat? You’re certain that you’re a lot closer to your children than the Reagans are to theirs? Am I worried about this happening in my own house? You say that sounds very much like the White House. Murray—when you first started going? What? Then I thought: Murray? Did he try to park? What kind of rules did you have? Parking rules? Yeah. that he was born with quick hands? What? How did reporters handle such situations? Did they tell anecdotes of their own to help lead the other person on? Did they bully reluctant sources? Do you want to know the secret? Who wants to be born on the weekend? You mean you’re missing those races just for that? I don’t suppose you’re required to work on weekends. are you raising your hand in a rather tentative way or do you have a nasty sprain that requires you to keep your elbow above the hairline at all times? How do you think Fidel Castro feels now that he never gets blamed for anything anymore? How do you think he feels seeing Muammar Khadafy get blamed for everything? Drug problems in South Florida? Unrest in Africa? Was there an exceptionally high pollen count in Massapequa. Fred. who was there to put in her place? Did we make up a life for Denny to lead? 126 William Walsh Questions with Alice from Travels with Alice. sir? Some CEOs may be less capable than others. weren’t you? Got a good crowd? What’s your Andover crowd like? If all of these Eastern prep-school types like Prescott and Michael Arlen (who went from St. after all. I suppose you get used to it after a while. were they bound together more 20 William Walsh by love or by guilty knowledge? How does it look? How did you guys get that way? Is it your birthday or anniversary or anything? What I’m getting at. and Foreign Policy by Alexander Haig. you’re just too old to cut the mustard? Is that the sort of thing he’s planning to say to Brezhnev on the hot line—It’s right here on the tip of my tongue? Who’s going to take this quiz for you. is there any reason that one of your wacky. why does Mommy have to explain foreign movies to you? You mean the way you tell little fibs about growing up in Kansas City? Like how the American Hereford Association building has a bull on top of it whose heart and liver light up at night? Anastasia of Russia? Is that where the Communists come in? What does ‘maunderings’ mean? How can you be one of the literati if you don’t even know what ‘maunderings’ means? Well. John? Busy? Anything I can help you with? How do you like the way she looks in that new waitress uniform? Did you know the goddamned Jaycees can’t find enough clams for the clambake? And your latest song isn’t about the lost and found? Would you like to hear it? What are you into. what’s going to happen? This is Sy Lambert. eight in a glove. right? And which people are taught hairsplitting from childhood in the interpretation of their religious writings? The Jesuits? Did you see Irving Kristol’s article in The Wall Street Journal showing how easy it is for a trained hairsplitter to make a distinction between authoritarian and totalitarian? How can I encourage the children to take advantage of opportunities by telling them to make hay while sun shines if they think that means making hay while the sun shines? Windfalls? Could it be that Jim Murray has taken over Exxon since last time I saw him? Or do the Murrays have a natural-gas operation in the back forty I don’t know about? Small potatoes doesn’t mean small potatoes? Had she trapped me into saying that? Or was it possible that I was falling into the habit myself? Was I. I have been asked. Motley. at least in their view. but there’s one thing we’re thinking: Does this count. who the president of the Chamber of Commerce is this year? And do you happen to know the name of the publisher of this paper? A cup of the best? Where was she yesterday? Why don’t you just come right out and ask her? Do you realize I might be mayor of the oldest settlement in the United States of America? Do you realize what this could mean? You thinking of changing the name? Let’s face it. ‘Isn’t it a bit soon after breakfast’? Had he heard? La signora? No successful? How about 128 William Walsh the tartufo in Venice? (gambling rooms available?) We had talked about it a lot. will you. and an aunt with twelve who doesn’t feel very good—just as a gesture of good common sense. and the boys would be out there playing ball. how come they’re not called AGP Systems Ltd. Mike? I mean. Andy? What’d you really think of the plan. why can’t any of those guys grow full beards? Isn’t there some public health law against people who are shopping for food being reminded constantly of the last days of Howard Hughes? What do runners have to do with this? Did you get a look at those guys who ran in the New York Marathon? Am I the only person who favors a law mandating life imprisonment for anyone who performs in public as a mime? Where is everybody else on these issues? Who’s changing the subject? Who is it in the State Department who persists in granting visas to Marcel Marceau—a man who advertises in the newspaper that he intends to commit middlebrow felonies all over the country? Am I the only one who thinks foreign movies are for sissies or are the others just not saying it? I am absolutely certain that Mary’s mother would confirm her story. population eighty-seven thousand? Are you arguing that the next time you show up in an emergency room and find out that you’re going to be treated by a doctor who was trained in Grenada you’re going to give special thanks to Ronald Reagan? What if I got a toothache in a strange town? Well. ‘You mean you don’t recognize the name?’ 34 William Walsh from Feeding a Yen: Savoring Local Specialties from Kansas City to Cuzco. nah-nah-nah’? Used what before? Right. anyway? In the bushes? Didn’t we do dirty bushes? Genine? Isn’t that a Medicine story? Is that all? What do we have for the folks this week? Remember that briefing he gave during the last Southeast Asia business. 1987 Why didn’t you just tell him you got a better offer from the newspaper syndication people? What. 1980 What exactly did a scrawled ‘Golly!’ next to a New York Times item on home air conditioning mean? Did that mean two-thirds of the way up the leg or two-thirds of the way to the knee? Could it possibly mean the remaining two-thirds of what had been a conventional stocking. equally cheerfully.. would tie up Orly in order to have his hair trimmed by Tab of Cap d’Antibes or Scott of St. Gross94 William Walsh man. order them? Who among Traveling Questionstruck 145 People sees the general-audience movie except prigs and sissies? General audience? Could you get the manual out of that pocket on the door there and look under ‘L’? Will I get to the bar before fifteen other people do? Will they limit passengers to two drinks even at the bar? Will the sound on the movie work? Have I been spotted as someone who preferred the general audience movie twice in a row? Is the T. taking place: If a rejection of the old. and nobody knew that except Genine? Fred. right? What would you think of that theory? Didn’t you always used to take the overnight flight? If we’re both keeping an eye out. I began to wonder. who will? Discovery as a source of ethnic legitimacy? The Pharaoh Necho.’ by the way. Dole is sort of scary? Or. and. how come so much lobbyist money had been solicited to pay for the inauguration? You’re absolutely sure you want this job? Would I be commenting on Amy Fisher? Was that the sort of subject that someone who hoped to become poet laureate should discuss? Would those British laureates who had traditionally written about royal birthdays and royal jubilees have dealt with such goings on? Clinton’s promise to focus like a laser on the economy had political commentators worried: how were we going to discuss the President’s new economic plan without revealing that we have no understanding of economics whatsoever? The question is: What’s going to happen when the deficitreduction component begins to bite? What do you think of the Clinton economic plan? The question is: What’s going to happen when the deficit component begins to bite? Are plans to change the weather coming next? These facts. but wasn’t Steven just. even if there is a Goddess of the Mountain. Ed? Is that the Hamilton Jordan you once said was the best proof yet of the Haldeman Rule that no nation has ever been successfully governed by advance men? But you did say it. is it? Passengers on the magic escalator? Was the fact that we had reached the point of having our writing published by prominent magazines or respectable book publishers strongly connected to the fact that we had all gone to the same sort of colleges and universities? And what had lead to the summer job? Could he have been right? What was the point of buying a lot of books and keeping them even after you’d read them? What’s the advantage? A dollar a book? Was a newspaperman what he wanted me to be? Did sending me to typing school have anything to do with that? But would that be how you’d steer your son toward journalism—slip the word to him casually when he’s three years old and then make sure he knows how to type? Was God hard of hearing? Oh. are you? What should I order if I don’t want to start with the plain? What could possibly be in a seven-way? Red-eye gravy? Is it too late to turn back to Kentucky? How come everybody in the Village who wants to work as a waiter says he’s really an actor? What do I want with actors? Did you check her teeth? Does she share her food? Isn’t it accepted practice to let students with language problems write about their experiences so they can gain confidence? I really haven’t the time to translate the entire wall so why don’t you tell me which one you want translated most? Guess what Tricia Nixon Cox’s favorite recipe is? How did you know about ketchup? Why don’t we just eat here at the motel? Who. Mr. has the Reagan Administration been thrown off balance by its multifaceted connection with plastic surgery? Why. for instance. employing someone who didn’t brag about it to everyone standing around the Coke machine—that the police took six months to figure it out? What if the police had never figured it out? So that doesn’t mean our society does not. Nixon after Duke University turned down the library? Did she really think that the only way to stop that embarrassing downward spiral was to offer what had been my Cousin Norman’s bedroom? If you’re thinking mainly of some way to put cousin Norman’s room to good use. except that he was willing to sit through a four-hour debate on open-housing ordinances just for the opportunity to catch a glimpse of her in her black beret? How about. or Agrop? Will Melissa marry Bruce? Is it possible that Kimberly ate Brenda’s cat? Would you call this look beatific? But how about the shoes? Trying to dress somewhere in between wouldn’t work: where would you go for 17. I’m thinking about myself strictly—O. is this one of those banana republics I’ve heard so much about? So what? What use it? Oh. is that not correct? And at that time did you have any black students? Doctor.questionstruck. I lamented. Mr. that is. an order of fries. Simpson did not. Kate? Is that guy singing. say. Sprigg? You mean the cousin who was chef in the Rumanian-Jewish restaurant? What were the results of the study. Barnett? Who called you up? Why would they call you? Was she unable to afford the garage? How come you thought it was funny when the voice called and told him the number he had reached was not a working number? Do you really think it’s that much worse than your idea of playing him a voice from the Save A Cat League? 104 William Walsh Uncivil Questions from Uncivil Liberties. get home from church and swiftly snort some white stuff up his nose? Does Robertson crave demon rum? Does Cheney make clerks promise to hide the fact he’s renting tapes last viewed by Clarence Thomas? When wrong he needn’t be contrite: Don’t might and arrogance make right? A right to council and a right to trial? John Ashcroft wonders: How do you suppose we’ll save our freedoms and our way of life if we start granting everybody those? You think they haven’t done such things before? But who instead would Pitt recruit? You cannot find a job? No cash is flowing? You haven’t paid your bills. after all. had emerged from the colonial era with one small Caribbean island? You won raid or whyut? Aren’t they the only ones who are always going on about fair play? Why don’t we go to Capri this spring? But Capri? Was I the sort of husband who would start humming ‘Moon over Miami’ simply because a no-frills fare to Florida might have gone back into effect? As Alice’s birthday approached. did he. but what about the effect busing will have on after-school activities or parent participation? What else could they say? Which mountaintop did you say you’ve been to. fauna. the way you wrote the owners of the Dodgers when they were talking about going to Los Angeles? Does this mean I should go sit in my car in Times Square? Is that going to be your report to Ruth? You don’t see the harm? So you want to have a beer? Moishe in the Middle? What are you. but can I just ask if you see this as something you’ll always do? Always? Wanna see my new tooth? Mr. and it’s just ‘not bad at all’? Did I want a nice river city like Owensboro—a city that. why don’t you write a column for The Nation? Are you trying to tell me. ‘but how does a British customs inspector happen to know about triple-A baseball in the Midwest in the 1940s?’ Rugged ex-marine Hank Bauer? How does it look on? Are you going after a lot of long fly balls these days? What do you think? You saw the same sign. ‘Where’s your wallet?’ Would someone who was about to be ill really pull the keys out of a car parked on a deserted stretch of highway when her husband was sitting right in the front seat? What were the odds against a bandit’s being on that stretch of highway when the Anderson’s van stopped? Do you recall when it was you first had occasion to meet her? Who would have thought that little old Emporia would have two hit men? I have to know—does the Gazette have a list? Was it only coincidence that Mr. I suppose Hemingway might have had his picture in Life once or twice sitting shirtless on a deep-sea fishing boat. when asked to surrender at Bastogne. let’s face it: how many things are there that are like butchering monkfish? Do you have a special recipe for monkfish or are you the sort of sickie who butchers a monkfish just for kicks or what? What exactly could a communist spy learn from President Reagan? What did the Tower Commission on the Iran-contra scandal learn from President Reagan? What did those poor devils who tried to take President Reagan’s deposition for Admiral Poindexter’s trial learn from President Reagan? What secrets did we have that were worth all the trouble those Communist spies went to? Can you make a decision on the energy question. what’s insider trading? Isn’t it customary in most families for the daughter to come down to breakfast and ask the father if she can buy some sweater that is essential to her continued existence? Then why are you asking about insider trading instead of whether you can buy a sweater? Can I buy a new sweater? What kind of cereal do you want this morning? How about a bowl of this stuff that fulfills your basic daily requirements of Niacin. where is the patient’s arm? Anything more on that wild monkey story? Was he going to follow Becker all around the magazine—floating just behind the floater like a severe blackwhite-and-blonde kit? Would he have a tip on a softball game between rabbinical seminaries for the Sports section? Would he wander in while Becker was doing Medicine and offer him first crack at a story about the top circumciser in Brooklyn? Would he be on the phone to the Architecture & Design section whenever Becker was there to propose a piece on new ideas in ritualbath design? Techniques of Hebrew instruction for Education? Jewish jokes for Entertainment Arts? What’d you have in mind. with pink balloons and a few survivors’? What are pals for? You want to go to a garden in Italy for your birthday? Have you ever seen calla lilies that just seem to be growing wild in the woods that way? Questionstruck 129 from An Education in Georgia: The Integration of Charlayne Hunter and Hamilton Holmes. for instance. Clifford? Isn’t that something. Questionstruck 121 just to take an example. Marge—did you hear that? Did you hear they dropped a bundle going over there to Japan and missed the main mountain? What does he have to lose? You won’t find me grabbing people by the lapels at parties and saying. Mac. say. is making five hundred million a year off this war? Man. why 36 William Walsh wouldn’t they also cook better? Could it be. for instance. leaving the Louisville Colonels and the Minneapolis Millers in their dust? ‘No. how would they have presented themselves for the first political offices they’d won? How did the Bush dynasty last long enough to serve up George W. Max? You think the stone could be a joke of Clifford’s? Did anyone actually see Minnick bend down and pick up the stone? What kind of story you going to have about this in the Advance. not eating broccoli: ‘How did things go at work today. Charlie? How about two thirty-three’s. Harold?’ He said. many interrogatives? How do I properly convey appreciation to a writer who permits the question-mining of his books—and then allows the publication of those mined questions? What do people say when they want to say more than thank you? —William Walsh. even though we’re all going to know that the night of the election anyway? Not about politics? The paper calls itself a rag? Postmodern? Why not? Can I interrupt you for a moment. 1993 President of what? Whatever happened to that Hansen boy? Could it have been that long since Denny and I had seen each other? Do we ask too much of our most able young people? Can’t you see what’s happening? Whose counsel does he seek in finding someone? Who else? Why couldn’t we see it on the twenty-fifth? Couldn’t believe it? Did some people commit suicide over bad backs? But suicidal? I say. teaching the rudiments of how architects use space or laying the groundwork that would make it possible for the children to absorb. Fats. in a reckless disregard of copyright laws and literary standards. but meanwhile what’s this boy supposed to do for three years. as I waited for a bite. specifically. guy? Does this mean that some of these scientists are so busy talking to themselves that they don’t talk to each other? What if his mother always burned the chocolate chip 28 William Walsh cookies? Are you talking about my mother? Whose mother do you think I’m talking about? Were those cookies burnt? What do you think all the black stuff was? What are you some kind of nutcase. Uncle Harry? You’re not. Georgia? Was there something in the early rumors about gambling and the mob? Was someone else involved? Was Therrien rather than Wing Chin the partner John Oi suspected? What motive would be strong enough to explain murder? Mommy. Schley. what’s with the mobster these days? Did you know he once had a dog he named Full Frontal Nudity? I love a cold soup in the summer— don’t you.K. say. what seems to be the trouble. comrade? Did I see the high tides? After about an hour. to Eleven A. why are just some of the people on Wall Street arrested? What does Michael Deaver have to do with it? Is that your straightest answer—that business about exceeding the speed limit? Why do you think people are always talking about the risks of life in the fast lane? Could I please have a bowl of that cereal that’s chock full of Riboflavin? Anything else? Do you think they’ll give me time to pack and say goodbye to my family? So what was the embarrassing news? Did I miss something? Where’s the embarrassing part? Haven’t you read all of the articles about how people are going to be affected by tax reform? Isn’t the interest on that deductible? He didn’t mean it literally. but now they say. if we found the bagels? Then they weren’t real bagels? Would Mosha’s West be a few blocks closer to Manhattan than the original Mosha’s? It’s true that she expressed no interest whatsoever in bagels. Flynn’s class. who knew what jokes the god of New York real estate had left in his bag of tricks? What if. through supervised block parties. and he thinks it’s the sort of thing you’re better off doing right away because if not. that the social scientist had come across an essential secret of child rearing? Then another thought occurred to me: why was I assuming that the Chinatown kids turned out so much better than the Massachusetts kids simply because their food was so much better? What is this. a law firm full of gentiles? Don’t blame me for what. Tepper? Is she G. How about Harry S. an item? Or was this to be their first date? Was this one of those rickety arrangements cooked up by the class movers and shakers to make sure that everyone had a date for the prom? Should the class movers and shakers be sued? Pain and suffering? Whiplash? Was this the kind of marriage I bargained for—a marriage with a birdcage on my lap? Can you still hear me? What disk error is really not all that much fun? Are you telling me that you’re not cutting down on the dry cleaning. I asked. Fred? Does that mean they’re wearing two-thirds of a stocking? Which twothirds? What’s the point. wasn’t I in my hometown—or. some say. ‘What vent?’ My preacher in Atlanta. someone who believes that green vegetables should be consumed only by small furry animals. stated by St. would he have suggested that we pay him less than the agreed price? Ten percent chance of what? Questionstruck 171 What words could I use to express my debt of gratitude to Calvin Trillin for the generous use of his many. the birthplace of jazz. ‘Say. ‘That’s a fine idea. wasn’t the Swarthmore game last week the one you told us we were supposed to win for the Gipper? Are you some kind of nut case? Funny. but did you ever break anybody’s nose that way? Did you ever give anybody emotional asthma or maybe a snoring problem that proved a considerable liability to an otherwise stable marriage? But even so. Why is he getting all excited just because somebody pronounced his proud and historically significant state wrong? Then I’ll say. pops. ‘Is Hamilton Holmes still at Georgia?’ He said. happen to know what kind of name Minnick is? What? Do you know its origins? What do you mean by that. what would the French know about such things? It’s true that most sports are not coinoperated. but was it Camp? Was he feeling the ‘sensibility of failed seriousness. what happened to that other dynamite story I gave you? What other dynamite story? Are you still in Lifestyle? Or Religion? Did the Religion writer turn out to have Communion Wafer Spotted Fever like I said? What other dynamite story are you talking about? He plans on having one more term and then retiring to write his memoirs in three volumes and acting like an elder statesman. then? Is that the year the Blues won the American Questionstruck 67 Association pennant. would someone be good at editing Playboy? What are you going to write? Who’d you say? In the sense that the Nixon Administration was overwhelmed by Watergate.A Collection of Question-Based Texts Derived from the Books of Calvin Trillin William Walsh . say. holding office hours in there or something? You looking for a fat lip. or deposit—of one hundred dollars? Did you ever think you didn’t make a break? How many people think this is a pretty diamond ring? May I borrow your finger. which describes its devotees as people who ‘blaze trails. who are the consuls. Perkins? Is that right? What was the problem? Just the flu? No other problems? A gynecologist injured 142 William Walsh here? Mr. kill his wife and her friend. Mother? What is your record for number of questions answered at the dinner table with a grunt? So apparently the Miller boy has decided to go to law school because he figures a law degree will never hurt you. where’s this all going—this parking? I mean.I. ‘Why’d you take those two fine kids over there?’ Almost everybody he sees gets a cheery ‘How you makin’ it?’ or ‘You makin’ it okay?’ And they say. though? Anybody else? Does that sound familiar to anybody else? Genine? You got any ideas? This story on McTaggart was in our very own magazine this week. or maybe half a buck? By the way. or maybe even knowing that having it disappear would make it even more famous? I don’t suppose you’d consider it an intrusion. in a sense. as a child or as an adult. starting with that bright star over on the left? Is Thistlthwaite really going to say. you just happened to run into Rabbi Hadas on the Plaza and you two fell into another one of your Talmudic discussions? What’s 98 William Walsh the advantage? Would my father think that the Grand Plan had worked out more or less as devised? What more appropriate beat could a real American have? Questionstruck 99 from Barnett Frummer is an Unbloomed Flower and Other Adventures of Barnett Fummer. Reagan. how does one explain the scholarly article it produced—’How Stiff the Upper Lip: British Queue Discipline Under Stress in the West End of London’ (Lineup: A Canadian Journal of Waiting. by chance. Pequin. didn’t he think his people were better off right now—maybe not later but right now—in their own schools? Remember last year when I came out to your school to induct ten of your seniors in the National Honor Society? Now. isn’t it? And what will the political pundits do on the morning after the Iowa caucuses? I mean. Oh. how many people find that plausible? How many of you believe that a major American educational institution is likely to stuff its rejection-letter envelopes with old newspapers just to 90 William Walsh torment the parents of students who apply? No? You what? How many here simply rip open the envelope and then claim that the dog got at it? The gentleman in the second row: sir. was I going to search around for a revival of ‘Wish You Were Here’ just on the chance that she might be inspired by ‘I’m Don Jose from Far Rockaway’? Did these folks eat pasta? You won raid or whyut? What? How about Martinique? Who’s writing the insurance? If He wanted to tell The Truth. do I go put in more money to get maybe another hour? Are we having a meeting? Howard? Do my eyes deceive me. Guiles.’ be the way you would prefer to have it written? When you saw it was the Senior House on fire. that they don’t love to stand and fight.A. kept from me—and that I therefore lost an untold number of opportunities to eat carne avocado? Where had I heard that before? Wouldn’t the obvious solution to a problem like that be to launch a restaurant—a restaurant with an irresistible name. how come there is so much cholesterol in Italian sausage? Why must someone who is trying to enjoy a simple plate of chopped liver be interrupted constantly by pure-food fanatics one of whom is almost certainly his own wife. aren’t they getting homesick? Do they try to get a little taste of Mother Russia by having half of the brigade stand in long lines for the wrong size shoes while the other half throws snow on them? Where do they get the snow? Was I denying the omnipotence of the Divine Being? Would it be surprising if.com 172 William Walsh . why is the Penn State football team called the Nittany Lions? What’s a nittany? Does that mean you aren’t sure what a nittany is.M. ‘Hamp. but could the slaves be said to have suffered compared to the Yeshiva student on Norman Podhoretz’s block in Brooklyn who lived in constant peril of being ridiculed by black teen-agers for throwing like a girl? Why not approach it head-on. Mr. Oh. any kind of stone? What can I tell you? Why couldn’t we just have left it in the oil pit or buried in the backyard.? But how about the rest of us—particularly the rest of us who happen to be fond of tamales? Are we going to be left in permanent suspense as to what a tamale binding ritual is and how it differs from a tuna-fish sandwich binding ritual? Are we going to provoke suspicion every time we make an absolutely innocent remark like ‘Boy. no President’s wife has ever had an abortion while the knocker-upper was in office. for instance. I said. Joe. what was that thing that whatzername had on? Just how do you suppose that Alice knows? Does she divine these things? Does she osmose what’s in the air concerning hose and bows? Just how do suppose that Alice knows? How about. her old paper. in some astonishingly ironic twist. how’s it goin’. maybe—so his own town could be Vinland? Yes? I beg your pardon? Who? I couldn’t spoil that for him. 1971 Why did you have to do that? Were they going to make a lot of money from the film? How many millions of viewers would see the pictures of poor Eastern Kentucky people? Had they refused to move? Had they taunted Ison by saying he was shooting blanks? Did the people who signed the release forms really know what they were signing? Does that make me crazy? Mahan. let alone the ones I’d had in Ensenada itself? And what would that prove? Have I engaged in any of this smoky braggadocio myself? Are the beef brisket sandwiches and short ribs I eat in my hometown heavily laced with nostalgia? Was I accurately described by a newspaper reporter and trencherman I’ll call Charlie Plum when he referred to me in print as someone who ‘has built a career on exaggerating the virtues of his hometown’s barbecue’? Did you bring sauce? Don’t you think you’re making too big a deal out of this? Also. Have I done my daily task? Have I kept my honor bright? Can I guiltless rest tonight? Have I done and have I dared everything to be prepared? Now do you believe me? Why did they say things like ‘Uh-huh’ or ‘I bet’ or ‘Oh. I found myself with another thought about Jeff Gillooly: what if he had been a little smarter? What if Gillooly had planned the attack on Kerrigan so cleverly—as a start. just how did I inherit it? Is that an out? So why did we oppose John’s bill? Could there really be mullahs loonier than this? But why is that? Why does this path seem trodden? We wanted the best to lead FEMA’s forces. but $55 million a year less capable? Why should that worry a CEO who makes only half that much annually? And who is the just-folks spokesman for that populist message? Is this Charles guy a dingbat. glancing over your shoulder regularly for the bull. the big one? Do you want a hundred dollars profit right now or will you keep the ring? How little more would you pay? Two-sixty? Also. a nineteen. C. coach. easy-to-remove face warts? What’s your daughter Sarah going as this year? She really doesn’t have a lot of political awareness. but whom lost it? Then who lost it? Just tell me in a regular way: Are the people who lost China the same people who won it back? Then please just give me a straight answer: Who won it back? See how boring straight answers are? And he wasn’t one of the people who lost it in the first place? Are you sure you wouldn’t rather talk about sex and violence and exotic flavors of ice cream? What have they done since we lost them? Then why do we think they’re so nice now? Are you sure you don’t want anymore Cheerios? Pierre’s a communist? Pierre whom? I mean Pierre who? Was that a hint? What? How long can a man continue to shoot at postmen with a crossbow before tragedy occurs? Can a fanatic Christian Scientist and a homicidal podiatrist live together for another day? Who solved the insoluble emergencies in the meantime? Should citizens who already have Uncle Harrys be expected to worry about Cyprus as well? Could that really be? What. O. is smelling up the place a constitutionally protected form of expression? But how about the author of the article on the facing page. Paley had never been in a supermarket? Is it possible that organizing one’s own underwear draw is the path to virtue? Listen. just in case our production difficulties clear up. Shanahan—some kind of rube? That’s all? Why would you bet with the card down again? You don’t think dropping the glove business means that he might be thinking of running for Questionstruck 43 governor or senator instead of mayor. after all.S. but could you just see if one of the people sitting under a dryer near where Mister Marc is working looks like he went to Georgetown and is carrying a gun? Could it be that Sidey asked his best White House source for permission to sit in on a Middle East strategy session and was instead given a tour of Reagan’s closet? In that suit? Does Ralph Loren strike you as someone who used to be a lifeguard? How about a campus scene? What about Frank Perdue—with all those ads about how it takes a tough man to produce a tender chicken? Is that your idea of a glamour puss? What about the Carvel ice cream guy with the voice they make political prisoners in Central America listen to until they confess to being in the pay of the Kremlin? Isn’t this all simply fascinating? And why does our guide look so much like an oil company lobbyist? But what’s that awful smell? As they stood at the edge of the clearing. that just because Nixon was a twerp of a President he’ll have a 160 William Walsh twerp-sized presidential library? Didn’t you just ask how to offer your house as a site for the Nixon Presidential Library? Do you think Baker. Gillooly testifying that the Menendez boys might well have pumped a lot of bullets into their mother as she watched television because they genuinely feared that any moment she might make them clean their rooms? At some point in the development of this movie. according to my calculations. but aren’t we headed in that direction? If it’s now thought that there’s some electoral advantage in calling yourself Jimmy Questionstruck 63 or Bill. Rabbi? Kosher fast food? But Rabbi. and I have just put at the top of the list a piece to be called ‘What Is Malcolm Forbes Doing with New York Press Plates?’ But wouldn’t covering a fire present special problems for someone with a three-million-dollar car? Why.questionstruck. ask leading questions like: Does the dog have any spots? Mr. and wasn’t there a Bob Warren used to pitch relief for the Cardinals? Who has the poetic gifts scarcer than the tooth of a hen? Is that a fairly common situation? Boat rowing? Lawn mowing? Grass growing? If he’s paying somebody a peso to make him some chili con queso. Reagan trade one of her ballgowns for the Federal hot-lunch program— I had to worry about a sneak attack of cowboy onomatopoeia from within? ‘With All This Talk of Human Rights. for some reason of their own. a mu-shu. Jones? Is that right? Also. I said to Nick. You can’t fool all of the people all of the time. but in addition to Mrs. 1969 An Unbloomed Question Think your arches are up to it? Why don’t you take my place as leader of the Liberian freighter demonstration? —could he get in all those words in one pass?— What about lying down in the path of the ship? How are things with you and Rosalie? Have you heard from her? How do you think I can get some group militancy? What better time to demonstrate to the world the true radical’s opposition to the American Establishment? What’s the latest thing? Uptown or downtown branch? Is that A. Abigail? Don’t you remember what I told you about just adding a zero on the tens table? Is a $250. is it possible for editors and writers to fight oppression one week and spend the next week in beach houses sipping gin and tonics (made with limes picked by nonunion braceros)? Is it possible that political commitment can be turned off and on. 10 William Walsh Ronnie. why was all of this done by a firm with a name like Anspach. Lead Thumb Linderman? Can the same be said of Alice? Did you say he was a middleweight or a light heavyweight? Scale? Have you weighed yourself lately? How are you. he said. sure. Why is it that Canadians. and if someone wants the spot. or is that the sort of thing they teach at Harvard Business School? Is the fact that Yasuhiro Nakasone is known as Yasu the sort of thing that the CIA finds out? If our side knows that Mikhail Gorbachev’s closest friends call him by an old law school nickname—Motormouth—is that what President Reagan should call him? How are you today? Did President Reagan keep his hand on his wallet? Daddy. can I go back out to your house? My Lord. after all that. how come my socks are frozen to my feet? If there wasn’t any such thing as acid rain. the former President. do you really think there’s a trend for wearing two-thirds of a stocking in Los Angeles? Should there be congratulations? Is he expecting condolences? Will the President treat his wife’s condition like any other crisis that might have necessitated a special meeting of the cabinet—asking the CIA director for his long-range prediction and turning to Army Chief of Staff for a report on how much firepower is in the area? What was I going to be with a good pair of hands—a shortstop? Can you keep a secret? Aren’t journalists supposed to be professionally committed to keeping certain secrets? Is it the shortstop’s fault.’ which he was singing while standing in the middle of the dining room holding an armful of dirty dishes? May I? Would you like one of these crabs? Old freshes? I suppose there are ways of displaying appreciation for an artist’s painting Questionstruck 75 other than writing out a check on the spot and snatching the painting from the wall. are they still renting that kind? How much do you think? Say. Farkas babkas? Would the Russ & Questionstruck 35 Daughters account be enough to propel Poznanski’s back into the bagel business? You’re making all this fuss about some little green peppers cooked in oil? You yearn for peppers? The temptation is to ask. who is the nastiest. Mike? What are you muttering about there? What? Mayor? Was he getting repeaters? Isn’t that proof? What kind of person would just happen to have four quarters in his pocket? How you doin’? How are you? Are you waiting for somebody? Just here. you may not be a great authority on this subject? There seemed to be only two alternatives. exactly. Tepper who goes and parks sometimes? How do you know me? Why not? Do you mind if I ask you a question? Are you also interested in mathematics? How about chess? Do you play chess? I don’t suppose you’re interested in exotic sorts of foods. by the way? It was easily Pop. my dear? What’s your sport? You don’t think The Nation will run a full-page ad of Victor S. and you Questionstruck 41 park it where you have no particular reason to be? Guess what? Daddy. and who would know more than a man who knows horses? And why should we have rushed in troops to help? So what? Is he surprised that someone’s played it back? 156 William Walsh More Uncivil Questions from With All Disrespect: More Uncivil Liberties. he sees himself using on the executive editor? Does he simply ignore such movies. why did Cooke try to shift blame to Julian Bond? Does Cooke know Brzezinski? Does he know Don Harvey? Is it possible that Cooke had something to do with making up the quote and now fears he may be deported if discovered? Is Alistair Cooke an American citizen? If so. in fact. for instance. right? Isn’t that the way you figure it? So who wants to be an elder statesman with a four-year-old brat on your hands? The point is this: what does a lady a bit long in the tooth. President? Do you? Simple. do you want some whitefish? Max. it occurred to me. but. couldn’t he simply just say so? A few words would help—can’t they see? What could the cost to them be? Spring haying? Croqueting? Egg laying? Who is now the poet laureate of the United States even though his poems might have been rejected by editors from sea to shining sea? Is this a bad connection. to a block that’s going to be No Parking Nine to Seven at best? You got any identification? Questionstruck 47 You know why? Do you know the mayor? Who said anything about writing? Ralph? Shall we turn that off? What are we to make of all this? Ralph? What lesson? What harm is he doing? The kids are coming for lunch. what else does he have to wonder about. Wick who was secretly taping his phone conversations admit that he did it? So did he get punished? Would you like an egg this morning? So where does the blame go? Would you like some more cereal? Who was supposed to make sure the perimeter of the Marine barracks in Beirut was secure? Well. could you pass the salt? Murray. if our diplomatic strategy is constrained by the limitations of the President’s ability to pronounce foreign names. have midwifery capabilities? But couldn’t she induce a miscarriage any time she wanted to simply by jumping out of an airplane? How are things at the word factory? Floor bid of a hundred thousand? Points? How did you know? You really have a character like that? Being at Antonio’s reminded me: do you know whatever happened to Waldo Brookside? Is he all right? What’s the name of it? How’ve you been. at that point. you crazy? Did he beat her up again? Was it the Ahumadas. with patches of bare leg indicating that the material from the other third had been donated to Sioux militants or to a fund for the preservation of the blue whale? Doesn’t Doc usually feel kind of sick on Mondays? What’s the list like? Isn’t that what Doc thinks he has today—the plague? What’s bilharzias? Shouldn’t that be Sports? Did you say the President’s wife? A flat butt is an ethnic characteristic of French Huguenots? You want to do it again. Murray? And? I can’t remember—is he an accountant? Well. 1964 From the front book flap: But what had it been like for the Student Heroes? A Question in Georgia Another. by chance. why are you still torturing me? Supply side? Who’s in there—Duane Minnick or David A.’ why didn’t anybody do anything about encouraging more Negro high-school seniors to go to Georgia? Questionstruck 133 And why did she have to scratch around before every quarter to get enough money to go back to school? You mean ‘I. are you by any chance wearing somebody else’s pants? Do you blame them? What are you up to? What are you doing about the finite Questionstruck 161 supply of natural resources on this planet? These kinds of questions: Has the period of the most acute danger of Deity Overload passed? Has the economy become a major factor? How do you see Deity Overload affecting the Western alliance? Will Deity Overload be a major factor in the second half of Ronald Reagan’s term? Will Ronald Reagan be a major factor in the second half of Ronald Reagan’s term? How do you find the area of an isosceles triangle. were these students all black? Now do you recall any particular student who was in your office on this morning? Do you know that the black students have taken over the presidential office and the executive suite? Why Mr. awfulest kid in your whole class? Are you ready for the big question? Of all the kids in your class. for instance. may I ask you—on a deep background basis at this point if you wish—is the First Lady. openly desirous to destroy the whole world with fire and slaughter and salsa music on those huge radios they carry? How can you be sure this is going to be the next thing? Remember the time you thought movie stars were going to start wearing bowling shirts? Who would have thought.’ people who ‘spurn trends and established opinion and sniff out secret deliciousness on their own’? You want to go to Danbury for some goulash? You didn’t know? You went on a Tuesday? You didn’t know? They told you that was amba? Did you say ‘totally unique entity’? Packing boudin? Why eat nutria when you can get frozen chicken breasts cheap at Sam’s? Nutria Cagney? Does the reasoning behind the Ancelet Dictum mean that it’s all in the mind—that people just think the best boudin is the one convenient to where they live? But doesn’t that story basically destroy the theory? You know what would hit the spot right now? The North Vietnamese won the war. are you. meanest. or what? Chubby the collie dog? You never knew that? Chubby’s gone? Isn’t it sort of late for me to be finding out about this? But what if Sukey had actually been embarrassed at having been caught in an attempt to anQuestionstruck 117 nihilate her baby brother? Or what if she. Fall 1962)? Was there a correlation between the number of stockbrokers living on the East Side and the presence of lines? If so. the distinction between authoritarian and totalitarian is easy. in fact. and the oppression of the poor. he said. too. why would He be so obvious to put it in the mouth of a Nobel Prize-winning Harvard biochemist and father of four? How ya doin’. no matter how many of our friends are dancing the night away on the huge dance floor of the first-class lounge. a delicacy that is called a Keen’s Special in our neighborhood and can only be described as the final chocolate-chip cookie? Why would the State Department choose me instead of one the people Alice persists in calling ‘grown-up food writers’? Why wouldn’t the wise heads of State ask. rhymed with practically everything? Quotas: Wrong or right? And who might take a job most pols want as much as.000 dream homes custom-built. do you know of any policy of the University of Georgia to exclude students on account of their race or color? Do you know of any policy to discriminate against Negro Questionstruck 131 applicants? Have you ever had any instructions from the Chancellor of the University System or the Chairman of the Board of Regents or anybody else to exclude Negroes as applicants to the University of Georgia? Have their applications. Tower had sent the little fellow to the shower? Who’s the first pol at the Saudi aerodrome. was the Foreign Service where Denny truly belonged? Was a Questionstruck 125 man who applied scrupulous moral standards to every decision of every person he came in contact with really cut out to be a diplomat? Charming Roger? Why didn’t you call? I was surprised at first. look up sourly. just for old times’ sake? What was that? Too sophisticated? For instance. more or less. I said. 1982 Why did I involve myself in such an unpromising enterprise? Does money owed writers from Monocle carry over? I hate to bring up a subject that may cause you to break out in hives. gulping down wheat berries and bean sprouts? Could I really discuss whole-grain bread with chili heads and knish freaks? Could we have become a connoisseur of Stuff-Stuff with Heavy? Who would have thought it of a man who travels with Arthur Bryant’s barbecue sauce? Could you please pass the sour cream? What makes you think they’re suffering? How about dinner? Is there a French restaurant there you could try? Could I have been wrong all those years? How bad could. but wasn’t that something like what we had last night? But if we’re in Tucson. what is the essential difference between dropping a quarter in a slot and paying a greens fee at a golf course? I had more or less resigned myself to playing babyfoot in foreign countries and being patient whenever someone in the United States said. why did I sack all those onions? Well. don’t you know time don’t mean nothing to a hog?’ Someone said. Dr. the jurors may have surmised.K. Joe— any reason why them friends would have hired two hundred and forty-three unemployed Equity actors just to blow your mind. you say. he would have said. lady. Gordon said. are you doing here? You mean like some old duffer who keeps thinking of his high-school football triumphs and ends up drunk late at night on the football field of his youth? Do you know what Aunt Harriet told Mom? Daddy. Journal.E. what’s all this talk about sublimation and Oedipus complexes and penis envy? As Jorge Luis Borges might have put it. we didn’t see Fuji. there somethin’ the matter with your dog. anyway? Did he talk about what effect bombing Cambodia had on his lecture fees at all.? How about ‘Leif ’s Leaky Lair’? Does the kid know he’s going to be getting an award? Speaking of being scared to death. teacher.A. the President of the United States. Big? Tobaccos? Has anybody been hurt? Well that’s all 168 William Walsh very well. if the ability of the Star Wars ABMs to hit a nuclear missile is imaginary and the nuclear missiles in Iraq are imaginary. nobody went around saying. McVeeter. whenever my mother returned from an inspection trip shaking her head. will Hamilton Jordan and Jody Powell and Bert Lance and this Administration’s other contributions to statecraft be called in their dotage? Old New Foundationists? Old New Foundationites? How would those who toiled for Lyndon Johnson refer to each other in reunions to come? Old Great Societyators? How about ‘A Chicken in Every Pot. read ‘Dallas. why? We don’t mind a war for oil until it gets refined? Whatever could that mean? Was I.’ I thought. what do I tell them? Do you know what your son-in-law now thinks this is all about? What am I angry about? Am I angry that my daughter married someone who talks like that? I know you think your son-in-law has some mushy ideas. I get to eat moose in Bradford. based upon what you have heard. tolerate Catiline. madam? Well. Howard? Is the summons something to worry about? Are there still a lot of letters coming in? Murray. Fats? Just what did you eat on a big day in Kansas City the week you gained seventeen pounds? Ever had their chili dogs? Is life worth living. Sam Williams. who said that tax breaks for the rich remained the goal of Reagan’s guys. and F. Enough’s enough? So has the most acute danger of Deity Overload passed. when you first came to the university here. kill me? What’s going on over there? Edna who? Did she neglect to try the one final approach that would have persuaded the suspect’s mother to open the door and have a chat? Will a stray cat that she spotted in the neighborhood meet an unpleasant end? Did she forget to put a quarter in the meter? What’s going on over there? Could it have been a mistake in the address? Did Homicide check out the people who lived in the equivalent house on the next block? Did the restaurant have any connection with the mob? How about an ex-employee? What about a bad son-in-law? What do you think the rest of Bo’s secret is? Is Kimberly going to get an abortion? So is this new character going to be a friend of Jennifer’s—the one in the car wreck? All of a sudden. Delancey Street—land in Galveston? Could it have been stubbornness? How’s Cousin So-and-so? Otherwise. I hope you don’t mind my asking—you’re not planning to drive there. it would break its back? And who submits articles in French? Is the membrane disgusting? On the other hand. to Two P. with all that’s wrong with him? If you get a medal. who has openly spoken of her facelift. pregnant? How did anybody know with such certainty? O. Jean had as associates in his business ventures? A hit man from the mob? Just a thief that heard St. why don’t you sit yourself down and Questionstruck 101 work me up the two thousand words Eddie O’Brien will have to say at a testimonial dinner called Eddie O’Brien Twenty-five Years Behind the Wheel of a Five-Passenger Checker. Guiles. ‘What are you going to do?’ Well. now that Reagan has said that the contras are the moral equivalent of the Founding Fathers.and trout-fishing streams—only to find out that an obscure country right next door has started calling itself Iraq for no earthly reason (since ‘iraq’ is the Arabic word for door hinge)? Well. then. conform to the standards of the breed set forth by a Web site called chowhound. have you? What makes you think this is low tide? What do you mean—you hope so? You mean we should tell everyone that little pissant Duane Minnick reburied the stone? How are we going to bribe him to say something like that? Questionstruck 17 American Questions from American Stories. Max? We want you to do whatever makes you happy. Eisenhower in a long hug? Can we contemplate Richard Nixon and Spiro Agnew hugging.M. how can we do less for cats? Is this society now valuing life according to size? Is the safety of a Newfoundland more important to us than the safety of a Chihuahua. Rosalie. to be necessary to her continued happiness? What was a responsible person to do? Launch a citizen’s inquiry to ascertain where justice lay between Nathan’s and its pizza slicers? Cross the picket line but only eat hot dogs and French fries. live concerts. then. on an official White House visit. a marriage between a woman who eats mainly salads and a man who is what used to be called strictly a meat-andpotatoes guy? Did you have a nice day at the office. wasn’t it just a bit insensitive to give a special publisher’s award for Best Excuse for Not Advertising a Book? You mean his name used to be Ronald Rabinowitz? Ronald Rigatoni? Ronald Thistlewaite? Ronald McDonald? Ronald Duck? Who needs snow in color? Questionstruck 109 Are those there his ears? If there is a just and merciful God and He is omnipotent. the answers to all those summer questions your kids are always Questionstruck 29 stumping you with? O. Sam? Well. why didn’t we win the war in Vietnam? Little things keep nagging at me: Did the generals in charge of our military assistance program in El Salvador finish above or below Haig at West Point? If President Reagan intends to run the country like a corporation. but hadn’t I been the one who had said that marriage is sharing more than just fettuccine? When we talk about a rain forest. inflation. was there some way to find the man. all end up in California—so that a place like Burlingame or Pasadena might find itself glutted with more stockbrokers than it can safely absorb? (Could it be a Wall Street venture-capital group originally called No Loss Industries? A conglomerate built on a fast-food chain called Nueva Latke?) Eighth Avenue reminds you? Was he feeling me out? Is that the right-hand side of Forty-third and Eighth you want or the left? You’re not the fellow they usually send. sit down there? What’s the latest we’ve got on a head-to-head? Murray. after all. why is there a picture of the President’s handwriting in the New York Times? What kind of cereal do you want for breakfast—the stuff with a year’s sup112 William Walsh ply of thiamine hydrochloride or the stuff that has enough riboflavin to give you an out-of-body experience? What do you mean about a picture of the President’s handwriting reassuring our allies. what’s this I hear about your friend Murray Tepper parking his car for pleasure? So what now? No. and. for the record.000 a year and jog every morning from six to six forty-five and switch their money from copra futures to limited partnership real estate deals while I’m watching Mary Tyler Moore Show reruns? Then what line was this? What happened to the idea of giving him both the T-shirt and the baseball cap? Are you sure you aren’t just being selfish? How can you use that word to someone who’s handed 88 William Walsh over as much Grain Belt Beer to Fred as I have? Why aren’t you giving him the chocolates? Also. regardless of nationality or race or sexual proclivity—brothers under the skin? Hey. in fact. without having an opportunity to see each other on the air. like. had taureaux piscine come about? For instance. why didn’t you go first class? How could she make such an accusation. ‘Is that the jacket you’re planning to wear?’ Are those the clothes you’re planning to wear? Even if your pet is a solid color. or what? How can someone blame himself for low-lying clouds? You say it’s difficult for you to tell because you haven’t read the survey? See how snotty that sounds? Quit standing on my foot—would you? Why do the English talk so funny? What? What? But is it the green asparagus or the white asparagus that you want. ‘Where are you going?’ What was it she was being honored for? What connection did the honors have with the number of friends she had or the number of young men who thought she was pretty? What did the ‘fight for full emancipation’ have to do with driving around Athens because there was no place to stop. but is ‘My. or was she also committed to preserving the world’s limited supply of pencil lead? Even if he were able to ask such questions. on Colorado? And you did ask for extra sliced tomatoes? Who wants to spend his time shelling almonds? Do you ever get hungry. where would we all be without the air brake? How about ‘Carry Me Back to Ole Virginny’? And also ‘The Amos and Andy Show’? How could she bring herself to trade there after the way the French tortured an oppressed majority in Algeria? How does it feel to be a neocolonialist? Why don’t you invite her over for dinner? Why should she come to my house for dinner? Surely you’re not impressed just because she has the only natural-blond Afro haircut on East Seventy-Fourth Street? What could he say. as the gossip columnists used to say. how are we to know if this is one of the legal states? What about what my mother said about giving away a gift? Do you know what Fred might like for his fiftieth. but why not? How could a columnist claim to be sick of the whole business already if the business hadn’t begun? Think we’ll get any republicans? A bushel of what’s at seventy-eight? Eighty-eight? A bushel of what’s at eighty-eight? So why did we grumble for so many months this horse race was lacking a horse? Then why does he harbor such doubt—reminding us all of that Dane? Well. LitLab. please? May I ask who’s calling.. 5_Trope. can you knock me out eight hundred words on the place of foundation garments in our private enterprise system by six tonight?’ or ‘Hey. they must wonder. Duane? May I ask you why you keep a Polaroid in the glove compartment of your Pontiac. it was known as a state college. if so. Luis? It’s legal now to carry on a business in your car? No license is required? Are you telling me that a shoemaker could just put some tools in the backseat and set up shop? What about the honest tradesmen who have to pay rent on their premises and city sales tax on their transactions? What about them? You may 46 William Walsh remember the knife sharpeners who used to go around in little trucks. is there any way this could be good for his numbers? So why is Ducavelli doing this? Why does a compulsive person spend a lot of time organizing his bolts and screws and nuts and nails by size when he knows perfectly well there are better ways to spend his time? Do you realize what you’re saying? Am I interrupting. but what were you thinking of paying me for these columns? What exactly do you mean. would you still want to …you know…read the paper in the car? You mean go out parking in the evenings? You mean you do it here because of something about the parking situation? You know what I thought at first. Steinberg’s reward? You do for people and you do for people. exactly. Craig Claiborne or Mimi Sheraton to show the Chairman around? The Chinese Cultural Revolution happens to be raging during my fantasy. how come the bagels in Kansas City taste like just round bread? Is he going to come out to pinch their cheeks and give them candy? Is he going to tell them how adorable they are? Had we at least given serious consideration to a move to the suburbs? But wasn’t it scary to raise children in New York? Weren’t you always worried about them? How come her friend sounds like a life-insurance salesman? Should we worry about that? Should we worry about that? Why was there no sound of a strong response from the backseat of our car? Should I worry about the possibility of an absence of contentiousness that could disable them in a world organized more or less like a New York delicatessen line? Did one of the worries that remained on my list have to do with the girls not being from Kansas City? Why are they going back? Yes. Miss Alexander. Why don’t you pick on someone your own size? Chico Lager sent a copy of one of those letters to W. as those who spread the crank talk would have us believe. a skirt-caser. manage to know when to lower their sideburns three-quarters of an inch or narrow their collars an inch and a half so that they can look precisely alike? How do the proprietors of exposed-brick/hanging-plant/butcher-block-table restaurants in New England know what is being served in exposed-brick/hanging-plant/butcher-block-table restaurants in Seattle? Did the spread of spinach-mushroom-andbacon salad just happen. or maybe Howard wants to take off in September. how would you know what to eat for lunch and dinner? Who said I won’t be looking for girls tonight? Is that like a Big Enchilada? Did I ever tell you my idea for a fat belt? Peggy who? Were you proud and humble last night? Are you telling me that your dear old mother in Kansas City stole my burnt edges? Why would Alice make a remark like that? Could it be. exactly. for instance—that foreigners should believe their state to be nothing but a jungle of fast-food franchises like Burger Farm and Wiener King? What’s this you’re spreading about barbecued mutton being unique to western Kentucky? You know who serves barbecued mutton? How would I be expected to know that? You say a bit of peat on the floor of the coop? Oh. say if I answered his inevitable questions about eating in England by telling him I hung around health-food shops. Boyden? What would make you think Santa has made this the bestest Christmas ever? White athletic socks? But how else are we to explain what happened? How else are we to explain that. have you. how did Mr. Rosalie Mondle. like the Okies. you figured you might as well tell the boycotters about it? Ain’t that beautiful? He said. huh? Why is the woman fat? Why isn’t the horse fat? Funny. do you? You mean as opposed to a substantial issue like whether people should hail taxis from the sidewalk instead of the street? But will the Wacko run against him? Remember the great exchange with the cardinal at the Catholic Charities dinner? What was the exchange with the cardinal? You mean it can spot a guy with a bug up his ass? What else would someone like you have to do? Are you going out or not? You’re not going out? Whadaya—live there? You one of these homeless bastards.W. I asked. maybe. how could anybody fail to be engaged by it? How. then. for instance. was Becker supposed to go about asking Mary Jane Wheeler about the First Lady’s condition? Mary Jane? What? The one with what? Eighteen years? Has it been that long? Mary Jane. Daddy? You’re not going to recite the starting line-up of the 1947 Kansas City Blues again. ‘Did you see what they did to him?’ I know a lot of parents would complain. he asks.54? What was that? Do French Canadians carry around dogs? What hope can there be for the Atlantic alliance? But how about the English? Aren’t the English a lot like we are? How can they understand the hopes and fears—mainly the fears—of Americans if they’ve never tried to fall asleep on a summer night when the bussing starts? Your pooch break a leg? Or what? Does that mean we also have to find somebody’s harbor to mine? Can I go make a tinkle? Hey. are you? Still in Lifestyle? Isn’t Lifestyle where you were going to run that story I gave you about the latest thing among the poofters in Akron? Is Smithers the dumb one you told me about—with his feet on the desk? Can’t I get you a drink? Our Mary Jane Wheeler? Mary Jane Wheeler from home? Who else’s Mary Jane Wheeler? Is this ‘little project’ you’re on sponsored by my mother or something? ‘What Freddy needs at this time in his life is to start seeing some real nice girl from 138 William Walsh home’? And I can get confirmation by calling Mary Jane Wheeler in Nebraska? You don’t want to be rich and famous? You don’t want to be introduced to girls with big boobs at cocktail parties as Fred Becker the Investigative Reporter? You don’t want to be able to tell what’s-his-name—Rochester Smarmy—to stick it in his ear? Could anyone they had known as children in Omaha really be in a position to know the truth about some nationally significant bit of gynecology? Was he going to begin seeing sailors whose biceps popped into a ball after every can of spinach? Would there be fights in which the loser got thrown through swinging doors of the bar onto the sidewalk? Well. it occurred to me that a customer who finally reached the head of the line at a French Burger King might ask for a couple of Whoppers.000 buy? What could ‘leverage your options’ possibly mean? You don’t believe me? Why do they go to more or less the same places? Why? Why were you not meant to know? Didn’t anybody else know how inconvenient an East Side express train might be for somebody who started out on the West Side local? Suddenly it hit me: Why had the announcement been understandable? But how about now? The only sound is the voice of a lady in the back. I had noticed that a complete inspection was requiring a sample earlier and earlier in the day—until one morning I heard myself saying. Ralph? Wouldn’t you say so. in fact. Reagan’s hair tends not to frizz but to go limp? Are you the one workin’ on the hair-frizz story? Some national security scandal? Let’s put it this way: Do you think Mrs. a bunch of farmers? It’s true that even the line for passport control was triangular—the shape so ingrained among the French that I had expected to see it even at the Champs-Élysées Burger King. and that sort of thing? Could they be ignorant that to the Philippines MacArthur did return? As they picket our Selective Service. shouldn’t we be eating chimichangas? Are the fish tacos incredible? Will they change our lives? A Chinese restaurant? Aside from academic degrees and pay scale. does Kidwell see this as her business? What’s cookin’? What are Boswells for? What do you think? How about my plum number? How did the rest of the argument go? What did she say to that? What did you have on your last cheating day. ‘Granmuzzer’s maiden name’? Not beefier? But why would you like it not beefier? They do? Well? Also. do you think that just once you might be able to import shoes from a country where they’re not under the impression that the shape of the human foot is a perfect square? What’s the big deal? Hey. Nick. that you’d like to redeem your exclusive. at its extreme. in Susan Semple’s words. What is there for me to do except go home and sit? Pointing out the sacrifices that Charlayne had made previously. the big agent. are you? Even if there’s a series of books? For your sake? Touch? Are you declaring for Congress? Declaring for Congress? I am? Miss Goldhurst really said that about my mark in deportment? You glued them to the floor? Mee-dyum wher-ah? And. Persia. Larry? Didn’t Time call up the paper to ask about a story. Questions from U. how come in Kansas City the bagels taste like just round bread? You don’t think it could be those chiles rellenos I had for lunch. through no fault of his own. why was it such a big deal that he said so on television? Wouldn’t the British people rather have an honest person as king instead of some hypocrite? Remember what Senator Chuck Robb (formerly Charles. I asked myself when I read this. there? Is this your idea of a joke. what kind of cad is this Marlon Shadd? Did he really expect anybody to fall for that business about being both incapacitated and out of town? Is Palm Beach Lakes High School the sort of place where a student can say ‘The dog ate my homework’ and get away with it? Were Tomontra and Marlon. here’s what the doubt is about: Can he make it through a campaign without punching somebody out? Was that fair? Does a local election somewhere reflect anything about the President’s standing? Does the passage of an important package of legislation—or the defeat of an important package of legislation—in some state say anything about whether the governor of that state may run for the presidency? What was I supposed to do with him? We got anybody real arrogant we can send over there? We got anybody whose main goal in any situation is to demonstrate that he considers everyone else in the room to be small and stupid? Are you better off than you were four years ago? How do you inspire shoppers to snatch the shelves clean? But what sort of Presidential purchase would infect the general population with shopping fever? What would turn you on. Washington way of doing things was what the election was about. the principles of engineering? No other educational summer activities? No trips to Europe that included organized architectural tours? No trips made with the express purpose of improving the children’s language skills? Under Meth118 William Walsh ods of Tourism. Bert Lance—all is forgiven’? What effect will it have on the fuel supply in the northeast corridor? How about traffic on the Merritt Parkway? Will the Greenies. continue his hostile line of questions to Governor Reagan (You’re trying to tell the American people. he wonders: Was the judge card-carrying? Vice President? So why does this make people nervous? Could anyone be keener than Ira Magaziner? Who was it we once treated as a man to heed—a chap who said America should intercede because there were Somalis Questionstruck 57 who we had to feed? Whose capture for his villainy have we decreed. by following that U. does John McCain campaign in vain? Wherefore Al Gore?—a bore? You think it’s just too late to get Bill Bradley? If they hadn’t been candidates by inheritance. Jones said. what do you think of us Americans at this stage of history? Comment? Maurice Chavalier? N’est-il pas mort? Croissants. I said. I’m having a few black cats over for dinner?’ Ask who what? Haven’t you heard? What have you written? To that party with the pretzels and cheese-dip? Have you considered Kick Cultures and Throw Cultures? Who asked? Or did he? Why pick him to call back? Was the telephone company trying to tell him something? You don’t happen to know the precipitation probability. rubberized. why is it that sometimes you seem like the mommy and Grandma seems like the little girl? Who wouldn’t? So how come she remembers World War II? What’s happened? Was that a swimming movie? Are you a nurse or a patient? What kind you got? Why in the world are you a Republican? You’re just intending to live in that room for the next four days? That would be all right with you? If Herbie found that the job required less time than he’d figured on. John? Is this a show? How about some side bets? Are they both representatives of the bourgeoisie? And how has the president been doing as a campaigner? So how do the American people feel about this campaign then? How about them? Hey. is that what it’s like? Duane? You mean you can read that weird writing? Duane Minnick? Which one is Duane Minnick? The one in the Army who hit his sergeant? For Christ sake. Paul’s School to Harvard in Exiles) and John Gregory Dunne (who went from Portsmouth Priory to Princeton in Vegas) were not actually as self-assured and sophisticated as they appeared to be. of businessmen and professionals—’What are you doing. soon be in the pokey? Why would people that confident of success pay any attention to a report that laid out the difficulties ahead? Sir. do dinner-table conversations at our house so often turn to the perils of gluttony? Why had Alice continued to preach the benefits of limiting our family to three meals a day even after I presented incontrovertible scientific evidence that entire herds of cattle owe their health to steady grazing? Why. for instance. why do you have to be such a klutz? Since nostalgia is fueled by inflation. and why hurt a girl that way? The question is: Is it worth it? Tech has something special to offer. copyrighted by Calvin Trillin. I wondered. Bathhouse. Mr. that the old Mexican street near downtown Los Angeles that looks as if it was restored by the MGM set department and stocked by one of the less tasteful wholesalers in Tijuana would have one place that served delicious hand-patted soft tacos packed with picadillo or chicharron? How can an innocent traveler be expected to guess that he is going to be subjected to the old Hollywood mystery-film trick of hiding the real jewel in a case full of paste imitations? Who controls the city council here? They have plates there? What do you mean ‘plates’? How can people talk that way? What Mario’s? Please. just forgetting for a minute the sociologists and the Supreme Court and politics and all that. sure’? what would happen of Ronald Reagan—maybe while trying to distract public opinion from something embarrassing. Murray? How long you been here now. Penney store in a large shopping mall in Maryland and ceremoniously purchased four pairs of white athletic socks? Does Gorbachev need some requiting? From those he previously was fighting? Should Queen Elizabeth do some knighting? The trip became a meta54 William Walsh phor. 1989 Car break down? Car break down? Could it be. Sarah? How do the numbers look on that one. but why take a chance? Now that I have broken the BubQuestionstruck 111 bles story. is a personal friend of Richard Nixon. my man. in fact.H. God forbid. or a lush? Would you just as soon skip the whole thing? —and what have we learned in the last ten years if we haven’t learned that the point is how much money you make? Your supporters? Which supporters are those? And Mrs. you’d mind if I joined you? Apparently? You know what I mean? So you can’t really comment very well on your wife’s stories? Do you mean I should look for something in my wife’s work that I can truly get excited about? Who’s crazy now? So. then? But then. eight—what shall we depreciate? Why is she wearing an Adolfo gown? What sort of moral suasion can you expect to get out of someone who probably only last year was a car dealer in Southern California? How about Glutton’s Syndrome? What about calling it Johnson’s Disease? You suspected as much. can we have this again next week? Did I. pouring their drinks on the Contessa that way? Doesn’t Rolly Rawlings look absolutely marvelous in her tin pants suit? How about a picnic? What did he have to lose? I remember the 102 William Walsh time Rosalie Mondle said to them—is she here. Art? Just hand me the goddamned coffee. why was one of the state policeman transferred far from his home and the other one encouraged to retire? What’s the story about the hog? What’s the appropriate hog story? And the farmer turned. and where does it get you? Was it a five-dollar job before Steinbeck’s Nobel Prize was factored in? Was Shogun considered labor-intensive? Is it possible that someone in the kitchen responsible for checking in supplies simply weighs the novels with the lamb chops? Have you no mercy. then. could he compare schemes by which Haitian maids and Scandinavian au pair girls were smuggled past immigration officials? In the Vineyard or East Hampton? Have you thought about Mexico? Questionstruck 103 Don’t you? Yes. anyway? Sister? What do you mean? An example? What. is she ready to justify her treatment of that teddy? Why would you want to bother a nice lady like that? Nice lady? Why is it that everyone who has ever written a poem about me finds it of such extraordinary interest that my name happens to rhyme with spaghetti? And all from six words at the scale: Okay if it’s a little over? Why? Questionstruck 51 How long does it take you to write one of these? How about a hundred? What are the conditions? Church every Sunday? How do you think he’ll be on the separation of church and state? In some ways it’s hotter: Can we confirm a judge who’s got Sununu’s imprimatur? A character beyond dispute? No accusations to refute? A suit that claimed you took some loot? Not once. Duane? Do you. or what? What are you going as? Next year? Was I Horace in the story as well as myself? At the end of a gay Jewish wedding ceremony. since vendors on the streets of New York prepare Italian sausages and taro cakes and tacos al carbón right in front of your eyes. the water in the ocean swooshes like the water in a bathtub. you’re not having some sort of mid-life crisis. at a more appropriate age. their chant changed: Two. fried dumplings.K. what does Oklahoma have to do with anything? And was I really opposed to technological progress. why is the floor of the Stock Exchange so much like a West Side bus stop? Had a lot more people on the East Side been to England? Had a lot more people on the West Side been to Italy? And would I find it just a bit irritating that in New York. another journalism student and an instructor from the Journalism School joined us. say. did you break the picket line of the possumbyistas?’ You think they have any plain chicken? You’re not going to have another piece of strawberry pie. then. Kitty? Isn’t there any way we can arrest them. Truman? Through all of this. asked. wifey set a White House record for most abortions while in office? But why would Wentzell making this case to Fred Becker.? Has it occurred to you that the discovery of the stone has been good for the town’s spirit as well as for its commerce? Did you happen to see the Channel 3 news from Portland last night. that fried fish is simply better than grilled fish? In fact. with the guys in the National Security Council basement as the teenagers and Howard Baker as the mom? You don’t think that could ever happen? And what do you do. for instance. had published material based on a hot manuscript of Gerald Ford’s memoirs. can we have some arithmetic? Have you ever heard of Henry Perry? You went to Questionstruck 69 the original. aren’t you? We thought you must be really bored sitting there. guys. Tepper? Murray Tepper? Are you Mr. which now smells strongly of Slap? What about his rights? Do these people have rights that are involved here? Why? Could you please put me back on hold? Then it doesn’t bother you that just about all the races he asked people to win for the Gipper were lost? Not major? Is that what I heard somebody say—not a major issue? How.K. Clifford? Clifford? Short words. Charlayne. King? Tell us. ‘When can you 132 William Walsh have your boy over here to register?’ I told professor Edwards I wasn’t taking up for segregation or anything. after all. Maine.C. if there came a time when there was nobody over Smiley’s head? Would Becker find his job unbearable? Was Fenton merely saying that force-feeding geese was a remarkable phenomenon? Did he want a piece done on the goose liver that resulted? Could it be that the geese in question were not considered domestic fowl but wild game in captivity and were therefore eligible for Edward Towndsend’s special concern? But how can you foist your anti-earth views on 140 William Walsh me? Was he really calling Mary Jane Wheeler and asking her what was or wasn’t going on in the First Lady’s ovaries? Why would she tell him? Why would she have told Leonard Wentzell. so I went back and said. and fall into a conversation about diaper rash remedies? Is it possible that men—presumably the only people who use men’s rooms—have been consciously keeping mum about the availability of changing tables? What are you going as? What are you going as? Who shall I say is calling? How could we have missed the first two? Who can imagine stepping into the street to join. Madame LeBlanc. lady? Did you get my file? Who would be on the cover. sir. or would the best strategy be to have one man stand behind the opposing goalie and try to attract the bull’s attention? Where was it? Did he say ‘invented taureaux piscine’? But how. Clifford? Duane? Are you there. justified four years of spying on people who were breaking no laws? What. how about ‘An All-White-Meat Chicken in Every Pot?’ But why? The winning numbers at Belmont? The temperature in Saint-Jean-Cap-Ferrat? The number of years over which various holdings can be depreciated under the latest tax law? But why should I attach any sinister significance to that fact? Did I really believe a man forfeits his right to wear the wristwatch of his choice when he takes the oath as a state legislator? Is it an assemblyman’s fault that Puerto Ricans persist in living in apartments that are worth less than his wristwatch? Why Questionstruck 107 did I assume that a state legislator who was wearing a $200. and so on and so forth. ‘I don’t suppose it could be Kankakee?’ Where the hell is Rockford? What about the reports that your own economic adviser got his degree in advanced molecular voodoo. from Mrs. looking forward to playing out the tea time of her years on the golf course and the beautification circuit do when she’s got what they call an unwanted pregnancy? In the first place. all he had to say to start the yiffniff attempts was ‘Well?’ How could I be wrong already? Well? How do you know? Is your hand up there. isn’t it. goddamn it. ‘What would happen if a movie critic loved I Spit on Your Grave and hated Dumbo? What if this guy suddenly had an aesthetic revelation and started looking at Charles Bronson as an auteur? Inviting the readers to settle the question democratically. or waiting in the Red and Black office while everybody else was asked to do something? If everybody was so interested in ‘the cause of freedom. when it gets right down to it. on Mount Oberammergau from 2. how about some of the other phenomena of American life that I have treated as jokes? And what did the defendant do? You didn’t take the Senate Judiciary Committee seriously enough to sweep all those suits out of office? You thought the Reagan Administration was just silly instead of dangerous? Why don’t you just shut off the old bat’s water on her birthday. Let’s Eat: Further Adventures of a Happy Eater. Caketrain. although the predictions of your supporters that Iraqis would greet our troops with flowers haven’t been borne out. how can one take an out-of-town visitor to a restaurant that identifies itself as the House of Good Eats? What did the slogan used to be? But you do think that Owensboro is—in fact. sir. Vermont? You mean they were different? I could describe the main course as ‘sort of plain veal. and he said. oil company profiteering. Cook grade school in Kansas City I went through the entire Second World War under the impression that Japanese people had yellow blood? You want to go down to Lou’s Tap and mock family values for a 62 William Walsh while? How about next Saturday? And what if they have a son who wins the hand of Daphne Shaughnessy-Underthaler-Morgenwasser-Christianson? Telephone? Forget something. and we didn’t think they’d be very impress if we said we were just two schlemiels going to NYU on the ass end of the G. Nick? Does it taste like chocolate? Did they wonder about it? Had we ever taken the girls to the ballet on Sunday except for that time we went to see Parade? Does the Nutcracker count? Why should I be reminded that the plan I had devised to teach my daughters geography during the summer in Nova Scotia had never been put into effect? What’s going on here? Is it possible that. by the way? I don’t suppose you’re going soon. would one call a teenage Red Guard who took over the directorship of a medical school during that period except an enthusiast rather than an expert? What if the strolling accordion player happened to be playing ‘Hava Nagilah’ and everyone in the restaurant felt like joining in? What if Teddy Southard. ‘You folks from Indiana?’ What could they be thinking of? But could that account for a five percent reduction in population? What could they be thinking of? Why would you cut it in half? Why should he lie about such a thing? Why? What? Does that make you feel any better? Does that business about losing a million in Monte Carlo make you feel any better about the efficacy of astrology? Feel better? Does that make you feel any better? Why can’t I find a publisher who gives a royalty of 55 percent? Why don’t any of my friends want to chip in for my promotional budget? Why don’t I have a foundation to help me cheat my way onto the best-seller list? Why can’t somebody write my books for me and just leave me to collect the royalties in peace? Does he work at the embassy? Has he gone over there to study at the university? How are we supposed to check out a boyfriend who’s Turkish? How about a guy with one earring? How would you feel if you wanted to pop down to your local for a pick-me-up and were banned because the proprietor said 60 William Walsh that the presence of a tunnel-construction project supervisor would make the God of Sake feel woozy? Also. say. whadaya—kidding? You think I’m some kinda farmer or something? Don’t you think you ought to button up the baby’s jacket. you say? Are you sure we don’t have anything on the other side? Doesn’t he even believe in the existence of the Illuminati conspiracy? Isn’t it possible that he’s a follower of Ayn Rand or Billy James Hargis? Is it really balanced reporting to say he’s balanced? Are you getting soft. in that breathless voice. he asked at one point. ‘What happened today’? You mean you didn’t see this afternoon’s show? Ted Mack is doing this? Don’t you think so. are you? Not even in the high grass? 92 William Walsh Daddy. ‘Why couldn’t we have had a kneel-in and had it over with?’ Who else will come? Will there be a Negro member? Plenty of times. so what? And how much space did the dispute between Tomontra Mangrum and Marlon Shadd get? First off. Kitty K. in a weary and slightly disgusted voice. Daddy.K. all you rich men?’ Isn’t that funny? Well. or killing each other in private? If Bush’s views remain unvarying. that in an attempt at family togetherness we were about to turn our own daughter into a tablecloth doodler? Isn’t it interesting to see a French supermarket? Piscine comme piscine? But how would the two go together? Why would the two go together? Still. say. exactly what night was it that you first started having this dream? 150 William Walsh from Obliviously On He Sails: The Bush Administration in Rhyme. under the impression that I was writing about something else. why does he talk so funny? Was it wearing a disguise or something? Why don’t you ever ask me the kind of questions other little girls ask their fathers? What is the capitol of North Dakota? Do you want more Cheerios? Didn’t I hear you talking to Uncle Bill about the time we lost China? If China’s so big. why did he finish 214th (out of 310) in his graduating class at West Point? Does that mean that there are 213 generals his age who are smarter than he is? If so. he wondered. you’re not very comfortable with this Lambert. one of the concerns was this: If General Haig is so smart. clawing and scratching in the American way. been considered on the same basis as the applications of white people? At some point in every higher-education case. do you? And what’s the difference who was here first? Does that make the Italians something special? Shouldn’t we at least wait until they figure out what the rock says? How can we have a runestone festival without a runestone? What bonds? What theme park? Where would it be. intended that a citizen be penalized through taxation for improving his property? Would Benjamin Franklin approve of an assessment system that undercut a man’s incentive to provide his family with aluminum siding and weather stripping throughout? Is it really American to demand that the owner of the big house on the hill—a man whose tendency toward acquisition has been encouraged by income tax laws allowing him to depreciate over six years a Boeing 747 he owns in company with two dermatologists and shopping center czar—pay more than the shack dweller for the education of the town’s children? So? How can you say he hates children? What do you think of the Studio 54 theory? Where are you going? Is that the sort of club I’m running? If the Mencken quote is not genuine. 1998 Let me get this straight: you found this twenty-dollar bill last night and you want to turn it in for somebody to claim? Could it be. a President who had a history of eating cottage cheese with ketchup (the ‘old Nixon’ we’ve heard so much about) and has raised a daughter whose favorite recipe is made with canned soup? Is it just happenstance that the Big Boy hamburger defended by William Edgett Smith as the best hamburger in the world—a defense that remains inexplicable by any rules of logical argument—is produced by a company that Questionstruck 71 is now a totally owned subsidiary of the Marriott Corporation? Y’all got a license to serve them fresh vegetables? Have you tried our meatless chickenlike product? Could it be. Dick. doesn’t she? Could you hold the line for a moment. captain? Tamale flour? Are you sure we can’t get the Exxon Valdez skipper himself? Did Wayne have another interest in this? How are her teeth? On the other hand. that the story couldn’t be true because in high humidity Mrs. Sprigg? Have you had this picture all along. ends up marrying someone who doesn’t like the idea of having his wedding reception at a dim sum restaurant? You mean a stiff? Why would Abigail want to marry a stiff? Are you a family man? What am I supposed to say to that? What happened? Little cavities? But does that mean we’re no longer traditional? Is it really true that a family—a traditional American family—can’t have two sets of big faces? Why should it end when the captive breakfast audience gets liberated? How about asking him to do a song about a Mexican songwriter trying to write a song that does not have the word corazón in it? 122 William Walsh Questioning Denny from Remembering Denny. whatta we got for the folks this week? Is that a trend? Didn’t we already do drowning in hot-tubs? Genine? What else we got. what could he ask? Could there be a place in such a scene for a question about whether or not World Peace Through World Law was a viable concept in the face of competing megapowers? Do you happen to have an extra celery stalk? Aren’t they? Why do you think Rosalie admires Douglas Drake? Because he’s one of the top editors at Ginsberg and Gilbert? How. Sprigg about the photograph? And you’d like to sell this photograph to the paper. I should have asked myself. have you? Did you read The Real War by Richard Nixon? Why do I find myself missing the old well? You’re not thinking of the Parkers. would half a dozen tamales and a cold beer hit the spot’? What makes you so sure? What else do you think it could be. so far as you know. miracle maker. can’t you see I’m in a hurry? And the people who wrote runic weren’t called Runics? The vital point is this: Were they here in the Middle Ages? So this rock could mean there were explorers here? That guy down in the pothole didn’t look like a roof repairman on his way to a job.W. Why didn’t anybody tell me about this before? Why take a chance? Did we reach any critical conclusions? What are these spices? You want pepper? How could I describe my response to being told that Baxters Road was no longer the preferred spot in Barbados for eating fried fish? Cold it be. I figured. in his braver daydreams. how could enough ice cream be produced to meet a large market’s demand? What’s the doughboy afraid of? P. Bush? Can I use the boat this afternoon? So what was the matter with Kasich? And Questionstruck 151 what was so bad about Dole? And why did we sour on poor Gary Bauer and find naught in Hatch to extol? And what was the problem with Gephardt? And why did we seem to ignore the Democrats who. just how many of those seniors do you think would have made the National Honor Society at Athens High—with that competition? Could any student fail to be charmed sooner or later by the engaging girl who had been named Miss Turner? Could people fail to respect Hamilton’s abilities as an athlete and a student? But I told Wilma at the time. Daddy? That’s a name? How did the Georgetown Hoyas get their name? How’s Questionstruck 95 that trick gallbladder of hers holding up. tourist-packed resort area for Sergei Kourdakov to have an ‘accident’? How many weapons do you own? How did the activity change places from over here to the sporting-goods store? Did they indicate what their grief was with the mayor? Does he not sell alcohol? Does he not abuse it by selling it to intoxicated persons who often end up in jail or in a morgue from overexposure? City Manager Paul McCollum. why didn’t they? Who sent them there as a peacekeeping force? Who didn’t want to admit that they had become combatants? Is it really likely that some 166 William Walsh particularly competitive high hurdler fiddled with my scale to discourage me from competing in the Olympic trials? Is it possible that this was some bizarre retaliation for the questions I have raised now and then about the accuracy of the scales used by the proprietor of our local delicatessen. why does anybody else have to know? Why not let him get away with it? Why not just go ahead and float some bonds and try to get the land from Ronnie and start the theme park? Why not? The experts can’t show the stone is a fake. and then talk about spending any of your time staring at a bunch of facades? Are you claiming that you’re going there to listen to jazz? How would you feel about having foreigners? You mean from Houma or Morgan City or someplace like that? Could it be that Allan Jaffe mentioned something about the food at the jazz festival that night you stopped to eat at Mosca’s on the way back from Mobile? And what do you think the heritage of New Orleans is—macrame? Do you want to hear some more music first? Was the Cuisinart food processor I bought Alice for Christmas really for me? Could that also be true of the slicer I bought my mother in 1949 after I saw a man at the Missouri State Fair use one to cut a tomato into slices as thin as playing cards and then spread them into a fan shape on the cutting board. while we’re on the subject. the elder Bush said to one of the residents. what does it hurt? Do you want to stop at the newsstand and pick up the Post for the plane? The Post? 50 William Walsh His Life as a Questionist from Deadline Poet or My Life as a Doggerelist. even under the new North American Free Trade Agreement? How about other animals that are commonly kept as pets? Do we have no responsibility toward hamsters? Are you saying that a country that put a man on the moon cannot produce a seat belt for a hamster? Are you saying that you are not troubled by the prospect of a sudden stop by a car carrying an unrestrained Pomeranian? It doesn’t concern you that a Pomeranian is flying around the car like a carom shot in handball? Do people ever put goobers into Dr. I don’t mean to criticize. who sometimes hides in the breakfast nook and leaps out to slam the refrigerator door and tell the raider that not only can’t he have any macaroni-and-cheese. how come in Kansas City the bagels just taste like round bread? Could it be.M. is it difficult to park around there these days? Still a lot of Diplomatic Plates Only in that area? Murray. and the worst hot-and-sour soup in the Great New York area? Isn’t that the disease that causes people to fall asleep suddenly? Do you really think it’s O. old buddy. a hard drinker. Fred? Is he the guy who dropped out of Wall Street? Where did I just read about this. as someone who has never tasted coffee. what do we have for industry here now? Phosphate is nothing but bird-shit or something. don’t you? What were we supposed to put in the space marked ‘Father’s Occupation’ on the cards we filled in with block letters at the beginning of each term? Oh. known to some regulars as ‘the goyishe waiter. for an embarrassingly modest sum. if you’re interested in Dow workwise? Do you think this is what the German manufacturer’s thought? Are you interested in Dow as an outlet for employment? Don’t you think it’s different? Don’t you think there’s a distinction when you use this against civilians? Does the company really believe this? Can you see any time that anything would be so repulsive to you personally that you couldn’t work there? What moral decisions have you made about working at Dow? Could a person who works at Dow be prosecuted as a war criminal? Did you expect trouble? What did you do? You mean drinking and smoking and carrying on and all? What Color is God’s Skin? But aren’t there real issues separating people and countries even if they trust each other? Have you heard about what happened 146 William Walsh in Panama after Up With People! was there? Which Way America? What Color is God’s Skin? You fellows always just call up that way. but. Actually. Estes? Wouldn’t you say about a foot wide? Four bowls today. could it be that inflation is the result of a conspiracy by the people who are trying to palm off McGovern buttons and Howdy Doody puppets and their Aunt Thelma’s toaster as antiques? Has there been any contact at all between OPEC and the flea-market industry? Daddy. what hast thou wrought? You really think she really did some things untoward with Frankie S.S. now that the parks are safely in the hands of the oil companies and Jerry Falwell seems to have joined the Russian combat brigade in Cuba? Given the state of the economy. the guy we can’t misread? But did he have the stuff that leaders need? Has anybody noticed how much Mack McClarty looks like Samuel Skinner? Where are you.K. did the girls tell you about that? The girls? Questionstruck 169 Questions About Alice from About Alice. like. why don’t any of you have a first name? Tush. Navasky in the trunks of his Elisabeth Irwin High School basketball uniform. ‘The heck with it. you want some whitefish? What new tooth? How did things go down there this morning? There were television trucks? Were they there because of you? What do you think. the embassy called and said. what will your miracle be? Some Hillary trashing? A bout of gay-bashing? A shot of Gore hugging a tree? Then you’re for us? But are you shocked? Dismayed? Annoyed? Baker. but why shouldn’t a man in his situation cry? Why else would Lao visit Hmong? What would the Baptists have done differently if they had been experts in Hmong culture? Who would want to terrorize a simple purveyor of wheat germ and herbal tea? Had Walter Bopp been terrorized because of a dispute over a silver claim? Could he have discovered something in Arivaca that someone else wanted to know? Was it possible that he had found himself among the sort of cultists who beat up elderly vegetarians? What were Walter Bopp’s tormentors after? Gold? Silver? Information? His store? What could have been secret or private enough to restrain Walter Bopp from helping police find the people who had left him bound and beaten on the floor of his storeroom? Who leans Questionstruck 11 on respectable businessmen? Did Walter Bopp have something the mob wanted? Were mobsters trying to persuade him to do something they wanted? But what? How can Bopp’s silence be explained? Whose? What does that have to do with what happened to Walter Bopp? What had changed a family man and community leader of unassailable reputation? Was she beaten? If Hartman had planned the whole thing. even. Arnie? An apple corer? What’s the item he’s selling? You put it around your neck and supposedly you sleep better because your head doesn’t loll over and when you wake up you don’t have a stiff neck? Is that 42 William Walsh the one? The thing is around your neck and the airport maps are on the thing and you’re supposed to read the thing? So what’s the problem? I don’t suppose Barney’s maps are detailed enough to show where you go to look for your lost baggage? May I ask you how old you are? You tried luggage—right? Compasses? Am I interrupting? What’s he selling now? What else does it do? Why don’t you give a mainframe-computer-repair trade magazine list a shot? How’s it going. you haven’t been reading books. despite the grim prospect of a major war. the problem? Now you think I should come back home and advise somebody on the tax implications of his real estate deal? President? What in the hell was he doing at the Woodrow Wilson School of Public and International Affairs? What was the point of getting an additional master’s degree? Why wasn’t he in law school? Why wasn’t he in California running for the state legislature? Why did Denny seem more or less parked when he was supposed to be out there getting on with it? Is this a job for a college graduate? Lacked a certain social skill? Closed in? Ivy League air? Could this be Denny Hansen. Larry? You can’t believe what. Callahan? Why would Jews want to make a distinction between authoritarian and totalitarian regimes? With big countries. but. more to the point in a city that prides itself on being concerned chiefly with commercial competition.S. how could we lose it? Lost it to who? Your question should have been Uncle Bill lost his shorts to whom? To whom did we lose China? You mean there was an island disguised as 106 William Walsh China? I think I understand to whom China was lost. willya buddy? Who’s he think he’s dealing with. as far as anybody knows. Jean often carried a lot of cash with him? How could you get involved with this creep? Hey. are you going out or not. and say. ‘When do you want to come over and start planning your trip?’ 24 William Walsh Enough Questions from Enough’s Enough: And Other Rules of Life. ‘What are these spices’? Also.’ had just reached the most dramatic verse of ‘If I loved you. as making a meeting? Or could he? But where were those weapons of mass destruction that made Iraq an imminent threat to our security? Sir. ‘How many this quarter?’ They were relieved when it didn’t happen that way. say. right? But what have we wrought? Or Hollywood Squares? Who’ll be at our door? Was the United States willing to go to war to reverse the annexation of Kuwait by the One Who’s Getting a Bit of a Gut? If so. Why Are You Still Torturing Me?’ With all this talk of human rights. the Tournament of Roses parade? Was that your dad on TV saying all sorts of weird stuff about eating pasta on Thanksgiving? You still use that old ten-horsepower of yours much anymore? And how about the story of the first Thanksgiving? What could be more celebratory than minced squab in lettuce leaves? And what exactly does Thanksgiving have to do with Rodgers and Hart. ‘Why’d you take those unwed others over there?’ After Charlayne and Hamilton applied at Georgia. for lunch? When there are four dairy restaurants within walking distance of this office—including one that won the matzoh brie prize three years in a row? When who do I see—or whom do I see. I said. how come he talks the way that he does? You know a woman? So nu. one of the world’s great salmon. how about Diet Coke? What do you think of Nigel? I don’t suppose you’d be in favor of Duane. say.000 wristwatch came by it through nefarious means? Why was I so mean-spirited? Was I really the sort of person who judged a man by the way he dressed? Did I stand in favor of hairy noses? Charlie. weren’t you going to have a project this summer of looking up. literate salesman? What does that mean? What should I put for a business phone? How’s the little-bitty sticker end holding up. in his capacity of a private citizen. and I can’t claim that you’re an imposter. Portions of Questionstruck originally appeared in Opium. ‘Just call me Taufa’ahua Tupou IV?’ Just call me Taufa’ahua Tupou IV? What if the king is known to his friends as Buzzy? How did Reagan know that Prime Minister Nakasone should be called Yasu rather than Yasuhiro. you know. of course. behind the President-elect— that man-like object still from head to toe? A statue of a noble Southern pol? A waxen image crafted by Tussaud? And if Hillary Clinton had competed in cookie-baking contests during the campaign. you found any decent spots lately or are you still spending a lot of time circling around the block? Could that be? Do 44 William Walsh you remember when we ran into those two Vassar girls wandering around Washington Square. once we’ve gone. how would you decide who stomps on the glass? Why should the two families like each other simply because the people getting married are of the same sex? Both parents? Is that legal? How am I going to get the Kleenex past the daughter in the middle? Could you please pass these over? Was that scene going to repeat itself. how about Vaclav Havel? But what was so reassuring about the possibility that Vanity Fair sees Gorbachev as a hot advertising prospect? What could he be intended to advertise? How about Home & Garden? Town and Country? Alison Eastwood? Is that a Bulgarian name? Are you O. mean that we won’t have to wield a multi-billion-dollar missile shield? Oh. dear?’ How. a hometown virtually flawless except for the presence of a few people who want to turn it into a bad imitation of Houston? Who wants to reveal that his own hometown lacks the savvy to cover itself in such a situation by bribing some place like Matamoros to take a flight or two? Aren’t you always saying that oyster loaves won’t travel twenty yards from the kitchen? Who’s talking about the plane? Have you given any thought to what we’re going to eat on the way to the airport? Are you sure that rule is meant to apply to Puligny-Montrachet? Do you always eat so lavish? If you spent all that money on food. where will your car be while you’re in England? What shall I say? You did used to park some times on Cooper Square. the Atlanta Inquirer. Silenced Press. McAuliffe answered ‘Nuts’? Why’d you do this? If I were in marketing. had done something else she’d just as soon not have me share with the population at large? What if. would you like for me to walk you to class?’ He said. like alternate-side-of-the-street parking regulations? What’s the latest on government surveillance. God. the editors of The New York Times are trying to make every parent in the New York metropolitan area feel shiftless? Are you maintaining then. parking? You’re just here parking because you feel like. that those are all your own teeth?)? Would they use it right? What was the right way to use it? The men want to know whether those partly erased tapes in the cellar stay or go. isn’t it possible that God might finally say ‘Enough’s enough’? Do you mean that this makes you even more certain that Columbus landed at Eleventh and Walnut? How do I know? Coach. how did the New Yorker fact checker verify it in 1994? Even assuming there was some lapse in the legendary thoroughness of the fact-checking department. and he’s as big as a refrigerator? Is there a rottweiler? You don’t think it’s exciting enough that the raider has to be on the lookout for his wife. they say. did you ever—if you were in the middle of an interesting story in the paper or perhaps an interesting conversation with somebody who dropped in to talk to you while you were parking—notice that the meter had run out and therefore go out and put more money in the meter? You mean that. Schwartz’s letter on subscribing to the Newsletter of the Tarrytown Group? What letter? Do you really like it? What about Trillin? Trillin who? But is he bright and literate? Does he still make the effort to go to the theatre and important films. and lo mein with the glop of the day? Leader of the Free World? Where in the hell did you manage to get a hold of an ambulance? How’d things go at your accountant’s? Get a tax shelter? Who’d you have lunch with? What’d he have to say about it? Who was it? How the hell am I supposed to know? How do you know it was my novel they were talking about? How about the dirty bushes story? What mention of Questionstruck 143 Greta? You mean you didn’t see it? The Greta I was married to? Are you sure? She said that? What’d she tell art about me? Aren’t you coming to the preliminary? Do you want me to show you the documents in question? What if she did blush or call him a chauvinist? Potato chips? How’s Mary Jane? Forgiven for what? Is that two-thirds of the way up the leg or two-thirds of the way to the knee? Or what? 144 William Walsh U. has a barbecuedmutton restaurant for every 5. Exquisite Corpse. then clunking over in her leather sandals from her food co-op meeting to talk up the health giving properties of organically grown figs? What was that funny-looking thing that whatsername was wearing? Can’t you just sit down and relax? How could a person who had once been handed a chicken that looked like fifteen perfectly uniform pieces of thickly sliced bologna be so casual about spending her vacation in a place that has had entire books written about its cookery? Isn’t it about time we cleaned up for lunch? Was Alice implying that I had no interest in flora. then. right? What if it’s a phony? What do you mean—’having the rock’? Who doesn’t have it? What are you saying? Nobody has it? What happened then? But who had the stone when they left? Jesus. whether you actually practice or not. why would he spend an hour every day training a single lock of hair to fall carelessly toward his boyish brow? Go back to Washington and try to figure out something to do in Bosnia? Stop in the Midwest to rally support for his economic program? Could they do more that I deplore? Whatever happened to Lebanon? And how about Cyprus? How come we don’t hear about Cyprus anymore? For that matter. except you’ve got a car? I guess you’re not going out—huh? Would it be okay if he sat with you for a few minutes? Why not? A scheme for marketing StediSoke to Generation X? Sort of? You mean you report part of the story and let the readers imagine the rest. could it be the Chrysler Corporation he has in mind? Is it really possible that I’m beginning to miss Questionstruck 113 Billy Carter? Could that have been my voice I heard mumbling ‘Come back. how do you spell ‘referred’? Why else would coal miners be required to share the cost of a stockbroker’s gift to the St. nearly fracturing his tibia in the process. by chance. six. though. who can predict how someone will react to temptation? What if Sukey started getting offers to 110 William Walsh appear at shopping center openings and trade smart remarks with Bobby Riggs and Debbie Reynolds and Annette Funicello and that crowd? What if she started getting nibbles from Hollywood Squares and Card Sharks? How many of us could keep our heads under those circumstances? Could it be that Stevie. people were lining up for buses? Was it troubling that most of those so lined looked like those maddeningly organized twenty-six-year-old MBAs who make $65.and second-gen14 William Walsh eration Americans up there in Berryville. young man? Why don’t you ever write about the Scottsboro Boys? What’s your position on the withering away of the state? What is your objection to my position on Guinea? Is it possible we’re talking about Ghana? Or maybe British Guiana? What’s your position on Guyana? Did Victor S. haven’t you gone to college yet. ‘Such things occur’? And how about bilingual goals declared? And how about the Anglophones who cared? What say you to the history we’ve shared? How many years of this now lay before us? What ever happened to Clinton? What do you hear from young Bill? Is he in witness protection? Could he have skipped to Brazil? Are men who order the cottage-cheese-and-fruit-salad and then pick at a companion’s double order of cheese French fries to the point at which the plate requires no washing really who you want making life-and-death decisions for the nation? Baker. with this wind? Is Mac checked out? So why was I checked out from the start? Will the presence of a cooing baby being powdered loosen things up? Will strangers now stop by the Koala Bear Kare table. with holes in them? Why? How in the name of any kind of fairness and decency. saying that she had a big pair of whatzits? But why? What did that have to do with anything? But why was Smiley so sure that what he stole from me was true? How do you know that the President’s wife isn’t pregnant after all? How about two mu-shus. a weirdo or something? Are you divorced yet? Tell me. What are you doing about Robert L. Revson? To where are we be taking thou. then. for instance. Mr. or what? You already tried red onions. ‘Henry. will you get a load of this one? Is that the guy’s head or is he about to get hit by a basketball or what? Bill Warren? There’s a Bob Warren Pontiac out on old Highway 50. how much could we have saved by not having to redo one word on the door? So what was the other function of the thing Barney’s selling? Guess when I next have to move the car? What secret fraternity honk. in the unfamiliar tones of someone trying to exert a moderating influence. Bush signaled that she hates abortion. Hogan. pure extract of balsa wood—what’s the difference what they call it? If bumblebee leavings and stump paste are so good for you. Portugal. nastiest. sure’? So how could he have been at Camp Osceola at the same time? Held back? Held back twenty-four years in Boy Scout camp? Is it my fault they don’t have access to briefing books? You don’t believe me? Is This the Fairway for the Eighth Hole. the pizza baron. or you would want to take the credit for taking the blame? But what if Ronald Reagan didn’t chop down the cherry tree in the Rose Garden? What if some White House gardener chopped down the tree by mistake? Daddy? Yes? Aren’t you burning the toast? Daddy. are you? Daddy. what should I tell Mom? You want to let me in. I heard Edna say.A. who wants to claim him? Have you ever noticed that you’re a little thicker Questionstruck 61 in the waist than a lot of people? He rushes in and says. but smiley just happened to get there first? Pam and Smiley? You mean Doc isn’t really sick? Where has she been? Did you try to hint to me that it was Mary Jane with Smiley on the Lower East Side. Alice? Questionstruck 115 Question Man from Family Man. Daddy? If they’re still in Cuba. finally pulls himself up to $4 million a year. Does this bus stop in Bay Ridge or doesn’t it? So what went wrong. that devotion to Barney is similar to devotion to some religious beliefs—something that sounds benign but can. how come she was suddenly going by the name of Hillary Rodham Clinton? More shocking than the stuff they did in Sodom? And if these guys were so smart. limited-time offer to take advantage of this special award? Do you collect anything yourself? Yes? Hello? Hello? Remember when Australia was a synonym for boredom? But how about someone old enough to remember that for decades Australia was spoken of in a kindly way only by elderly American tourists who treasured it as the farthest away clean place where people spoke English? How about someone who managed to go for thirty years without mentioning Australia at all unless he happened to fall into a conversation about relative per capita beer consumption among postindustrial nations? But how about Questionstruck 25 the person of respectable age who spent twenty years under the impression that the capital of China—the very same Chinese city with the very same Chinese name—was called Peking? Why? From where? Whatsamatter. fried dumplings. what would you do if some Eastern pantywaist who had just made a mad-dog pronunciational attack on your proud and historically significant state told you to calm down? Punch him in the nose? What campaign? Is that what you’re saying—what campaign to promote the correct pronunciation of Missouri? Tell me. what’s this here about ‘hanging around’? Do the summer movies count? Would you rather beg or borrow? Who is the meanest. may I ask. the first to wish Israeli friends shalom—distracting from the crooked stuff at home? So why no parade for Grenada? But what of the troops in Grenada who whipped them Grenadians’ asses? And why not Poet Laureate? Who has poetic gifts scarcer than the tooth of a hen? Why not? Boat rowing? Lawn mowing? Grass growing? If he’s paying somebody a peso to make him some chile con queso. wild. despite the populist disguise of theories (then of great renown) about how wealth would trickle down? What’s at the core of this man? Hey. Harry. my dear? Have you ever been a model? How many here would give me five dollars for this box? How many people in the audience know that diamonds are an investment? How many would give me a hundred dollars for this diamond ring? Did you see which hands were up? What worries me is. what if I was.com 6 William Walsh CONTENTS Questionings / 9 Questionstruck / 13 American Questions / 19 Enough Questions / 25 Questioning Local Specialties / 35 The Tepper Question: Isn’t He Going Out? / 41 His Life as a Questionist / 51 Question: Is It Too Soon To Tell? / 59 American Fried Questions / 69 Further Questions of a Happy Eater / 73 Third Helping of Questions / 81 Question: Can’t You Say Something Nice? / 87 Questions from My Father / 97 An Unbloomed Question / 101 Uncivil Questions / 105 Question Man / 117 Questioning Denny / 123 Questions with Alice / 127 A Question in Georgia / 131 Questioner / 135 U. Murray? And draw attention to myself? Anything special bothering you. even in that more accepting era? What if I had been pathologically shy instead of merely as incapable of bringing up awkward subjects as my father was? Was this really going to happen? If it did. for instance. but why wait? If anyone is going to be totally practical. what would people say? What would Fats Goldberg. nya. I answer. perhaps. anyway? Why didn’t you say so? You know me—right? Excuse me. all by yourself.K.M. Murray? You and Ruth okay? Ruth? So what happens? Everything okay at the office? Are those turkeys still hiring you to sell their tchotchkes? They haven’t caught on yet? Is it the Dodgers. promise fulfilled? A listing in Who’s Who? A listing in the issue Forbes devotes annually to the richest people in American? Election to the American Academy of Arts and Sciences? A seat in the Senate? A lifetime of service? A ticket that has been punched so many times that it’s practically in tatters? Can I handle another one? ‘A Farewell to Bright College Years?’ Who knows what might have happened had he been sitting up? I thought. ‘The vent. Mr. ‘the ability to make people feel comfortable. he went on. and you didn’t 152 William Walsh laugh once in sixth grade when Rocco Guntermann. but why did he keep assuring me that I’d find it easier to write every week than once every three weeks (‘Piece of cake. it’s a one-hour meter and I’ve already put enough money in for one hour but the hour is up. I wondered. Martha’s Vineyard. Elimae. by most accounts. in fact. that was 1947. or what? How can we foster international understanding between Canadians and Americans when Canadians think nothing of paying for a pack of cigarettes with a bill that any American knows would cause him to lose the New York State Lottery in perpetuity? If not. Callahan? Close to the Reagans reminds me: What’s the difference between a conservative and a neoconservative? Could you just start the elevator. if. for some reason. even in the early days in Washington. did they? But who wants to hear a skin doctor saw away at the cello when Johnny Cash is right down the street? Who would have ever guessed. but aren’t there supposed to be some warm-up questions before we start talking about video games? Well then. can I go now? They can’t run a check of violations in a week? You think we haven’t heard that one before? You think you’re dealing with a bunch of farmers here. but why are they going back? Did that mean that our daughters would want no part of Caxton Hall Registry Office? Why didn’t I bring it up before? And who are your enemies? Enemies? You mean that. was your first thought that you’d get anyone. or some activity or something? Some activity? Then she said. on a slow week. of the theatricalization of experience’ that Miss Sontag had written about? But was the performance really naïve enough to be ‘pure Camp’? Not Major Bowes? Are you going to the Dick Tracy serial at the Modern Museum next Sunday? To watch who? What do you mean. the ability to make people feel as intelligent as he was’? Was one of the things that Denny (and the rest of us) had picked up from Yale a tone that we would have considered cool and others might see as an Ivy League air? Had Yale taken someone who had been an unambiguous hero—someone who was to high school students what Frank Sinatra was to popular music—and given him a crippling disdain for anything that smacked of wearing your letter sweater with the letter showing? Could any graduating senior in 1953 whose own striving was aimed toward. could I? Important edifices? Heather. why are the Reagan’s changing their address? Why are those people sleeping on a piece of cardboard over a grate. Saddam gets hit. no less. Russ. what do you think? Whadaya. Tush. right? Who in Denver? You mean you think that fruitcake would be dangerous to eat? Would a fruitcake that isn’t an antique be dangerous? You mean a reproduction? How about people who buy fruitcakes for themselves? Are you saying that everybody secretly hates fruit30 William Walsh cake? ‘Son. what’s that country doing in there? If these people know so much about names. back-of-the-book floater? Leonard. were pals again and Beijing has sent over a huge delegation to decide where to reopen the restaurants of my fantasies? Where was Nancy Li when I needed her? Does Wild Turkey count? What sort of fancy beer do you have on tap? And then you graft the vines onto the stainless steel vats? But can anybody really tell the difference? Why? Does the failure to distinguish red from white undercut all the learned talk you hear about body and vintage and integrity and which side of the hill the grapes came from? I know what you’re thinking: Isn’t it rather snide to use a phrase like ‘which side of the hill the grapes came from’ while talking about whether wine drinkers can actually tell red from white? Is it possible that that a self-confessed beer-swilling ignoramus got interested in the Davis test simply as a way of debunking wine connoisseurship? Smell alone? And what other information did The Test at Bruce’s provide? If the test never existed.W. combing gleefully through neighborhoods for hidden culinary treasure. said. ‘Father. what is it? Would you say. was Yesboss really smashed up against the car when you got there? But what can Ducavelli get out of this? Going against Tepper is bound to be bad for his numbers—right. which he really loves. Persia. look goofy’? Why is this man smiling? Was Dan Quayle being held to a higher standard not just on spelling but on military service? Or was this yet another example of what had become my nearly blind loyalty to members of the George H. whom can one trust? Whom do you like in the series? Whadaya. so why is she not willing to say right out it’s baby killing? But what if those apples are right at the top of the barrel? Pray tell: Will Wolfowitz’s house be next? Had the majority leaders of both houses of Congress ever before been under investigation at the same time? Which leader will be first dismissed? For golf in Scotland? Reformer’s what they call this guy? If this is not a throne. by trading some part of Ethiopia where it’s not safe to eat the lettuce. though. Wardstein? Why is he getting all excited just because somebody pronounced his silly state wrong? No? Then why did you say ‘silly state’? Was it really an accident that you didn’t say. started calling itself Iran? Is Saddam the one who’s getting a little bit of a gut or the one who looks like an accountant? Was that why Bush did it? Had some mass-psychology expert consulted by the White House decided that a subliminal rhyming connection of Saddam with bad cad would help the American people appreciate how truly wicked he was? You’re a brutal dictator. Art? Who’s Fornus Mitchell? Larry? Have you been hold16 William Walsh ing out news on us again. that Moira’s mother has been sneaking in for missionary work— waiting until I am out of town. what can I do for you. suddenly said to Reagan. in planning a trip to Sicily. Fund. don’t you? No team? But why do I need a team? Kansas City. and the Johnson Administration was undermined by Vietnam. are you trying to tell me that’s all you have to offer—a story that has already been in the goddamned magazine? Are we all just going to sit here. what chance would I have with ocean pout? Aren’t they any good? Are there any more clams over there. monsieur? Qu’est-ce que vous voulez aujourd’hui? Monsieur? Croissants. couldn’t somebody have understood that it was not such a good idea? As the coverage of the incident began to become clearer in my mind. Bernie said. the mob will lean on him because he had promoted Leif Ericson at the expense of Christopher Columbus? How can you talk to me about leaks at a time like this? What are you talking to me about leaks? Is all that Italian stuff bothering you. the Chairman of the Board? A birthday? But when she meets her Maker. cooking? Why did I restrain myself? What’s your pleasure? Chi38 William Walsh nese? Thai? Indian? Middle Eastern? Venezuelan? Italian? How about some octopus salad and artichoke ravioli from Da Andrea? How about risotto? Questionstruck 39 The Tepper Question: Isn’t He Going Out? from Tepper Isn’t Going Out. would you? So why are you just talking about boys’ names? You don’t think so? Then how do you explain the fact that you’ve never heard any television weathermen talk about a hot front moving up from Mexico? See how easy everything is? You don’t think so? Then tell me this: where does the weather start? You think that the weatherman there doesn’t get up in front of his map on the ten o’clock news and talk about the high pressure system coming from somewhere else? Why not? If there’s no such thing as a cold front. but just who else’s boychik is he?’ How could this happen? But could there also be something personal that tied these two ostensibly disparate situations together? But why these two? What made them brave enough to say the way to save their countries was to change the game? Was there any evidence of a connection between leadership and people who were overweight or people who had more or less given up flossing or people who could never hit the curve? Could the Pope be a little bit Baptist? Do bears in the woods have latrines? What would we have seen when it all came tumbling down? Is that a no? Who’s the only four-star general we’ve got who tries to be a modern Lancelot. and it’s a legal spot—right? Can you imagine? Oh? Do you mind if I sit with you for a minute? Why not? Talent? But have you ever seen Herman slice lox? The one who used to wear the badge saying. man? Did you get blackballed at one of those clubs I put you up for? Chutzpah? What do you think of Max Bergwort’s latest? Does he have a river view? Does he what? Didn’t anyone want to know about Bergwort’s use of language? Wasn’t anyone interested in how the surrealistic touches seemed to detract from rather than add to the over-all thrust of the book? Had he again become the master of the wrong subject? But if he didn’t ask whether the existence of a world government organization for nearly a quarter of a century had really had any impact. telling him that he is downing the equivalent of ground glass with schmaltz? Why has everything that tastes good been certified a killer? Black fungus? Could it be my imagination or is that a phrase she has begun to use more and more in my presence? What does General Motors have to do with this? Did it ever occur to you that Arthur Kretchmer’s salary at Playboy is not typical of editors in general? How. I hasten to say. miracle maker. Jack? Did I ever tell you what he told me about what the prime minister of Portugal was doing in his private office on weekends. and a chocolate milkshake only to have the counterperson poise a scratchy quill pen over some exceedingly long form. Blotter. one leader of the Negro community said. President. Teddy? But will Governor Reagan continue to remove his shirt when questions of age come up (Take 108 William Walsh a look at the delts and lats of a man half my age!)? Will Rafferty O’Leary. Mommy? What’s this guy talking about. why did the Marines invade Cuba? Why doesn’t anyone ever tell me anything? Didn’t you promise Mommy you’d quit answering questions with questions? Did I? Daddy. not to speak of South Dakota? Is it bigger than Sioux City? Does everybody where you’re from talk funny? The Bartender slid by and said in a tone of studied casualness. thinking that there were 114 William Walsh plenty of other fish in the sea? Just because of a few stings? Can’t you see what happened? How are you. Baker. or What? Whadidja—fall off your bike or something? Were you trying to get away from the muggers? Did I ever tell you about the time I wrapped my Pontiac GTO around the lamppost in front of the station house in Queens? One of ‘em clipped you. forgetting all the Lego blocks I lavished on him. Wayne said. right? Are you going out to park? Murray. or what? Can I get up now? Is that a buzz I’m hearing? Would you say that sound is a soft buzz or just sort of a loud tingle? How would you describe that sound? What sound? You’re not. I wouldn’t have pushed for it. that you were. all in all. for example. Let’s go 148 William Walsh aggravate the auctioneer? How many people out here in my audience who have no earthly use for it. by chance are in this instance right? Get allies? Does this. a cheap storefront of exquisite funkiness became available on the Upper East Side? An evangelist? Okay. for instance. Guiles. some kind of liberal? How do you think it makes the poor boy’s children feel when you keep describing their father as not having ‘a whole lot upstairs’? Since when do you go around ridiculing people’s names? Why can’t you find something good to say about him? Are you sure you don’t need some extra help? How could my spell-check expect me to get through eight years of the Reagan Administration without the word ‘wacko’? Doze or daze? Who are you? What are you doing here? Where’d you prep? Coach Watson? And what happens if they roll snake eyes? What if we gave you just a few million so you could buy yourself some Burger King franchises? Would that make you feel better? How do you think the stockholders feel about me? How are the stockholders going to feel if I ever mess up so badly I have to be shown the door? You’re the one who maligns fruitcake. 1991 The former sheriff? How are you? What can I do to help? What’s so odd about it? If the local law enforcement people launched an undercover operation of such effectiveness and probity. Zola? England? Which Third World country is he in? Was it possible that Hamilton Fish 3rd was drinking margaritas in Zihuatanejo or Cuernavaca and calling it a visit to the Third World? Was he some sort of double agent? Or could it be that South American dictators take the entire summer off? Is warmongering seasonal? Is apartheid in force only during the academic year? Could it be that from June through August it is not important to remember the torment of the Scottsboro Boys? Who’s Marc Rich? Is that what you said? Still don’t believe me? Silently. you’d do a column for them? How do I know what you really said to Harold the Committed? How do you expect anybody to know what’s true in these pieces? Is there really a wily and parsimonious Victor S. champ. well. HERMAN THE ARTISTIC SLICER? Do you know what I really want to be? It didn’t sell? It didn’t sell? Can I interrupt you for a minute. Ma? What is it this time? What is it with him? Did the kid’s tuition bill just come in? Wife redecorate the rumpus room? Would you mind just shouting back there and asking him how much he owes for what? An hour on the first appointment? Is it my imagination or does that bicuspid look a little shaky? What do you see there. the syndicate. you remember Uncle Bob Woolford who used to work up at Evarts? Did you ever see Uncle Bob in the winter when he didn’t have his socks pulled up over his pants legs to keep out the cold? Now. Daddy? Do you mean that the President’s a retard? Why are you defending him—just because you always have to ask Mommy how to spell ‘occurred’? Do you? What are you reading from? Could you just check the spelling of ‘occurred. studying the Life definition. would it? You mean the country ham you cook at home has to be bought from a supermarket? Are you sure this place we’re going for dinner serves decent fried chicken? Is it a surprise? Were you east of Rocky Mount? Is Goldsboro east of Rocky Mount? In a city that ‘boasts. Socks? If I am liable for the consequences of readers not taking deer whistles seriously. specifically. corrupt. the combination of bulls and swimming pool? What is there that’s comical? You have bulls there. Peter. what with the low lying clouds? Does he want to hear his brother-in-law say. man? Or is that where you live? Is that car.M. I just stop at the city desk and say. a goiter? Who could they get to do the sort of task best left to Roto-Rooter? Who’ll pacify the right-wing nuts who call the President a traitor? Who vows to separate the 52 William Walsh warring gangs and calm each kick-and-biter? Remember Stockman. Murray? What about lettuce dryers? You’re thinking that Barney Mittgin can sell his map-pillows with a list of people who have sent away for lettuce dryers? What? What was it last time we talked—gardening gloves? Magazine? There’s enough to write about lettuce drying to have a magazine? Did you ever hear of a newspaper called the East Village Rag? What kind of a name is that for a newspaper anyway? Is Murray Tepper one of those people who is mad as hell and isn’t taking it anymore? Is he trying to escape from a messy situation at home? Connective tissue of our society? When did Barney Mittgin start talking like that? Howard? Is there something I’ve missed about you all these years? Mee-dyum wherah? So. did you go on a toot? Insisted that a man named Souter would.’ Dad says. are you. without notice? How’s Mr. where they like to spend long evenings congratulating one another on exposés of Congressmen who pull rank to bump decent folks off airplanes? Why didn’t I think of this years ago? Why have I always taken it for granted that those goofballs would be so good at annihilating continents? Can any American who has served in the Army or owned a car made in Detroit believe it? Who wants to feel even a little guilty about destroying Russia while it’s only knocking off Punta del Este? What do I care if the President was so poorly briefed on jet-lag avoidance that he was in danger of nodding off into his moo shu pork? Why should I worry if the President left for China completely unbriefed on Questionstruck 167 the question of Quemoy and Matsu? How does Ehret’s theory explain the experience of a reporter I know who claims to avoid any effect of transcontinental jet lag by a method he describes as ‘drinking so much on the plane that I don’t know what day it is’? How does Ehret explain the fact that even though I left Kansas City for good in 1953 my body clock remains on Central Standard Time? Why should the rest of us specialists criticize such people just because we still have our integrity? There—can’t you see Orion’s belt. Rooney? In proximity? What if someone wants to mail a letter? Like. so what? Did he still smile? And me? Had I become my father? Did they feel they might be weenies too? Are we fairly represented by the person who told me in 1970 that if the undergraduates had no word for weenie they were all weenies? Do your thoughts tend to dwell morbidly on the future of your prostate? Do you fly the eight o’clock shuttle often? Also. why did it disappear? And what if the Vikings didn’t leave it there? But why can’t they be the same person? Why couldn’t whoever made the stone appear also make it disappear—knowing that a photograph would show that the stone had been here but not in a way that could be closely examined. a nineteen. if she had been removed as the beneficiary. which makes a lot of sense to me. what am I going to get for the second ring—the featured item.com Questionstruck © 2009 by William Walsh. will my colleagues in the press follow my lead? Can they continue to ignore the story after this latest bombshell? How are we expected to reconcile that with the picture of Nancy Raygun the press has drawn? Is it really possible that a woman who was once—even for a day—called Bubbles always smiles and never giggles? Could the Nancy Reagan we know have really had the same childhood name as Beverly Sills? Impossible? In that case. but the conversation usually ended with a simple question: What would we eat? I suppose it’s possible that the Sundance Kid didn’t like to make much of his birthdays—they may have struck him as just another reminder that his draw was getting slower by the year—but what if he truly liked a major celebration? What if he looked forward every year to marking the day of his birth with what they used to call in the West ‘a real wingding. ‘They boils up livers and gizzards and they put them in there’? You could hear the appreciation in her voice when she turned to the woman who had sold it to us and said. granola dust. the possibility the Reagan Administration would retaliate in some way for my suggestion that Mrs. high two-figures? Are you going to go back on your word right in front of your own wife? Before I go out and take a picture of someone. and used to have a big turkey dinner on the Fourth of July and shoot fireworks off in Swope Park on Thanksgiving? Why in the world would anybody do such a thing? Medium? Where those dynamite chicken wings come from? You mean positive recognition? Has the snow melted yet? First with what? Was the Buffalo chicken wing invented when Teressa Bellissimo thought of splitting it in half and deep frying it and serving it with celery and blue-cheese dressing? Was it invented when John Young started using mambo sauce and thought of elevating wings into a specialty? How about the black people who have always eaten chicken wings? How is it that historians can fix the date of the Battle of Agincourt with such precision? How can they be so certain of its outcome? Two? Are you sure it doesn’t say anything about Bloomingdales? What the bloody hell is that last character? Two? Will I really be able to read the wall signs in Chinatown? Why are so many fruit and vegetable stores that were once run by Italians and so many fruit-and-vegetable stores that previously didn’t exist run by Koreans? Why have I never seen a black sanitation man? Why are conversations among vendors of hot dogs at the Central Park Zoo conducted in Greek? Had it been Dominic’s? The Original Jack’s? Rocky & Philly’s? Tony’s? Angelo’s? Smokin’ Joe’s? Staten Island Frank’s? Gizzo’s? Lucy’s? Did you think the food was any good at Dee Dee’s? Who’s watching Frank? But will they be able to do that sort of thing at a Didee’s franchise in Alexandria or Shreveport? Are you afraid they’ll take shortcuts with preparations and ingredients? Who the hell’s got time to do that? But how about the duck? Doesn’t that take a lot of care and experience—all that time in your grandfather’s kitchen learning the secrets? How has somebody who couldn’t seem to master a few wall signs in an American Chinatown going to figure out what the special of the day is in 82 William Walsh Tokyo? What was to be found in Tokyo would presumably be even better. for policies that helped produce our mess. right? But who really knows? That’s a joke. put to death Tiberius Gracchus. you remember Uncle Bob Woolford who used to work up at Evarts? Did you ever see Uncle Bob in the winter when he didn’t have his socks pulled up over his pants legs to keep out the cold? Now. Mike. what makes these construction guys think they know that the presence of women makes her jealous? Authors who haven’t read the book? Is he supposed to up the ante by imagining the response of the NRA to a law that would provide for a cooling-off period before a teenager with a serious juvenile court record and a history of mental illness could walk out of the store with a mortar or an antitank gun? You say that’s too silly? You want another example? What about the fact that I always wear an ax murderer’s mask on Halloween? Is that our fault? What’s a parent to do? What are children for? Should any of this have anything to do with government clerks? Does anybody think it’s necessary for George Bush to end his days as the only Eastern Establishment Episcopalian in the entire country who is publicly pro-life? Even if there had been. Ralph? You know who gave great briefings? Anything scheduled on the President’s wife being ill? Do you know how many times Heinlich was briefed at the White House? Did you happen to notice the cleaning lady dusting the seats in about the fourteenth row while you were singing? What do you do? This look like the Chase Manhattan Bank. had looked up in mock concern and said. 1974 I don’t suppose your friends took you to Mary-Mac’s on Ponce de Leon for a bowl of pot likker. lets face it. Art? Well. why not call yourself something even less formal than that? Didn’t Jimmy Carter ever eat barbecue? How about seat belts for dogs that are being taken to a laboratory for medical experiments? But those questions are only symptoms of the large issue: Where does our responsibility to man’s best friend end and an interference in his freedom begin? By mandating seat belts for dogs. Mr. who that ever lived and loved can look upon an egg unmoved? Does Francie know about this? Would you mind passing the sour cream? Who wants to be in the position of 74 William Walsh knocking his own hometown—particularly such a splendid hometown. as the experts all maintain. except for whether the dominance of purple in the garbage bag he’s about to take out is going to make it clash with the red and Questionstruck 27 orange bag that the sanitation men still haven’t picked up from yesterday? Simple isn’t it? But what about foreign affairs? You’re going to write a column about that? How are you today? Also. finding some comfort in the fact that one of the contending nations. are we looking out for the best interest of our canine companions or are we invading their space? On the other hand. willya. Joe then? Is it really true that your grandparents got mixed up about American holidays when Questionstruck 81 they first got to Kansas City. in your supplemental budget for the reconstruction of Iraq. Mr. why would so many people use the phrase ‘crawling with yuppies’? What’s their word for a weenie? So what happened to it? Is it still out there in the silos? Can you blame me for blaming her for the children’s excessive tolerance? When was the last time you had a good look at the points and plugs? Probability of what? So why have so many people become as rich as the Rockefellers? Is it possible that these rich people know something about the tax laws that my high school teachers didn’t know? Will you look at that thing old Albert’s got himself? Don’t you figure he must think he’s always on his way to a funeral? Did the Marcoses seem rich? But how much could a junior high school guidance counselor make? Who the hell is your broker? After a while. that novelists would start going around posing for magazines without their shirts on? Oh. Navasky name names? Don’t you think CBS should have allowed the White House equal time to reply to that Bill Moyers program about three families that slipped through the social safety net? How can the press expect people to take it seriously when the networks just tell one side of the story and Ann Landers and Abigail Van Buren both keep running the same letter about some wacko in Montana who still thinks he’s Katherine Hepburn? Who said. Cute little booger. running away from home? You go from the office to the garage that you pay for by the month. what kind of bucks are we talking about for a Questionstruck 91 yard of that fabric the Countess used on her sun porch in Capri? But who do you think Tom is? Is it because Bob tends to spill things late in the meal? Are you. wants to go to a dignified fair? What are you going to do to our college? Who’s going to wash the yellow paint off our cars? Does world peace note have to stem from individual peace? Can peace in Vietnam be achieved by starting a small-scale war in Newton because of a proposed peace walk? Is our message to the world one of peace marches and demonstrations or is it the message of the saving knowledge of Christ as Savior and Lord of our lives? But what if there is no tomorrow? What if the dirty little war becomes a dirty big war? And what if that war begins and ends with a bang? Will we be guilty of saving that which we cannot keep? I suppose what I’m Questionstruck 147 asking is: Is it a good or bad regulation? Have you ever heard of a doctrine. where is a radical song going to take its stand? Do you know what the story was? Do you think they’ll have an exhibit on the prison system? Who else would think of producing a discreet machine? Who. are you? Do you think it’s fun to be the one who always makes the underhanded comment and passes the snide remark? When all the columnists were talking about the legal and sociological questions raised by the Clause von Bulow trial do you think I liked being the only one who said that the only issue was whether he should get the chair for having added the ‘von’ to his name? Do you think I enjoy it when other children point out our kids in the playground and yell. it looks grand. ‘O. does everyone here find that plausible—that business about the envelope falling open in his hand? Does everyone agree with that? What was that.K. Houston. would the best strategy be simply to play soccer. Farkas babkas. it could be these French. it’s too bad. except now where’s the Devil supposed to live? You say it’s silly of me to worry about housing for the Devil because the Devil doesn’t actually exist? If the Devil doesn’t actually exist.’ I’d say. Max? You got the speech. ‘What’s in the newspaper. I asked myself. and why? What do our leaders say? Intelligence? When he lands on the deck in his flight suit to impress all the sailors he’s greeting. have you? Did you festoon each garbage can with red onions as if you were decorating a squat plastic Christmas tree? Did you plant a semicircle of red onions around the garbage can area the way infantrymen set up a defense perimeter of concertina barbed wire? Did you sit at a darkened window until the patter of little paws indicated that the time had come to fling red onions at approaching raccoons? But isn’t this just another way of saying that you’re Questionstruck 89 a wretched little worm who acted despicably just to rise in your dreadful firm or impress the girls? Why would the owner of a resort tell potential guests that what they might run into at his place is a bunch of yuppies? Even if he secretly hoped to appeal to people who could be categorized as yuppies—according to the Times. will embarrass me by organizing panty raids at the University of Kansas? What if Sukey met some Libyans? What if Sukey met some Libyans with mortgage money? You wouldn’t embarrass me if I became President. Rangers soon would have him treed or helicopter gunships have him fricasseed? Who is the man we like now that our guy’s been freed—the man who might become the ruler that we need to talk to now and then. if you could snap your fingers and every expert in the United States were sitting her by our sides. for that matter? How. art ad photography 162 William Walsh exhibits? Do you know a lot of bright. a few blocks from my hometown—eating barbecue? Are you saying that you’re willing to raise this child—this innocent child—in a city that has virtually no delivery. was it thirty-five cents. guy? Why was the heart of you your spleen? But as the KGB regains its strength? And stone-faced men in overcoats get busy. would argue for acquittal: Why would a pol so big steal sums so little? Why can’t you learn at time it pays to keep your silence and avert your gaze? Why can’t you see that every reader prays you’ll stop this bunk 56 William Walsh about a hundred days? Do you find yourself moved by the music of Rudolf Friml? How had Jimmy Carter’s staff reached the conclusion that it might be helpful for the President to report that he had been frightened by a rabbit? Was my behind-thescenes account even close to how George Bush decided that he could jump-start the economy by purchasing four pairs of white athletic socks? And—to get to the goofball move that followed the travel-office mess by a matter of days—how could a presidential staff let a supposed populist from Arkansas risk even the appearance of tying up traffic at Los Angeles International Airport while he got a two-hundred-dollar haircut from a barber who calls himself Christophe of Beverly Hills? Did anyone think that Francois Mitterand. he said. referring to the Barnstaple police department. if so. nya. is so much fun about insulting someone’s children? Got it? You and who else? Isn’t science grand? Well. how many Instant Lotto tickets would $250. could someone please explain what that was all about? So will some human adversary say Mrs. too? What sort of extreme steps? Another musician? Do you find that other musicians of your acquaintance are also good at electrical things? Why. do you? Why am I risking the possibility of poking a hole into this little baby just to change her diapers? If diaper pins were no longer a factor in our lives. Hal the C? So what if my daughter prefers chocolate to anarchosyndicalism? Where was Harold when the immigration laws were changed to give priority to reuniting families and I began looking for people willing to sign affidavits swearing that they were blood relatives of the six top crabes farcis cooks in Martinique? (or would it be the fish market?) Was I in a Chinese restaurant or a Pol Pot reeducation camp? Whatever happened to the days when what we discussed in Chinatown was whether the braised fish at the next table looked better than Questionstruck 163 what we were having? Are we talking about environmentalism? Then who was it who wanted to save part of the earth’s irreplaceable supply of natural gas by mandating that all barbecue joints cook on real hickory wood? Are we talking about anticolonialism? Who has been the person most vocal in his denunciation of the British Empire’s effort to impose on untold millions of Third World people its belief that vegetables must be kept boiling for as long as Parliament is in session? Are you sure it will work? Why is it necessary to use a euphemism for an admirable quality such as sanity? But that’s crazy. who would have been put in the stocks by the Pilgrims for having a sense of melody? What is it? What is it? Now we’re going to have two cats? As my father would have said. as an old fashioned American breadwinner. Meredith?’ You know what Perry is like? Who in this row has five dollars for freedom? Did you see Hamp on TV a few months ago? Did you hear that first spiritual. on the other hand. Mrs. with or without milk. of just wars and unjust wars? The one issue Noyd’s lawyers hoped to bring for purposes of appeal could be stated in terms of religious freedom: Must a man—a man whose decision is based on legitimate religious conviction—be conscientiously opposed to all wars in order to be conscientiously opposed to one? Do you consider Captain Noyd a religious man? How else could he be explained? What except some quirk of religion would make such a man refuse to participate in the Air Force mission of prosecuting the Vietnam War? A Bomb in Your Backyard? Got any crime in the streets here? Do you want your son to die when he’s eighteen? Is that what you want? Are you kidding? Don’t you know that G. do you? But how did I know? If novelists. go and hide?’ Finally he called and said. as I came down the stairs and say. 1983 When did it all begin to change? Why. Smith? Does his name happen to be Nigel? What does the dog look like? Does he have any spots? Why should he answer to ‘Fred’? Where else could cops be courteous enough to refer to a lineup as an identity parade and antique dealers be quaint enough to categorize old pitchforks as farming bygones and restaurant proprietors be dowdy enough to include on menus a vegetable dish known as mushy pears? But cagmag? What if she did claim everything as a business expense? Would the Inland Revenue instruct her to show up at some dingy government office with her accountant and all appropriate records? Just which figure was it that you wished to talk about. who has handled practically all such cases for the Inc. which not only failed to be called The White House Memories of a Lucky Klutz but failed to be subtitled Is This the Fairway for the 8th Hole or What? What Nixon manuscript? You don’t? But didn’t I hear you say yesterday that Reagan was out in the farm belt talking about cowpods and parity? Do you think all those people who were arguing about populism a few years ago knew what it meant? What did it turn out to be? Do you? Do I what? Do you know what parity means? Do you know what parity is? And where is Two-Words today? And does he understand what parity is? What did you mean by that? Was it really necessary to give an award for Best Diet Book by a Truly Fat Person? In the presence of so many authors. where did your miracle go? What more do you have from below? Is it possible to imagine Dwight D. lady? Why would anybody want to go to the northeast corner of the woods? Forbidden? She could just study me. but how do you reassure an entire country? Feelings hurt? Does it have any car chases? Were there any car chases? How did they get from one place to another? Did it remind you at all of Bullitt. are you? I’m supposed to go up to the West Side.500year-old unisex clothing? What if something comes up? What if the Veterans Administration loses my papers? What if the New York regional office of Social Security suddenly demands that I either submit any pre-1953 employment vouchers for summer jobs I held while I was growing up in Kansas City or face a fine or imprisonment or both? What if the United States Army Missile Command wants to plant an ICBM silo next to my house and the colonel in charge won’t listen to my arguments that I’m enough of a target for the Russians as it is because of some remarks I passed about the quality of their cabbage soup? Also. ‘Does she realize she’s causing all this trouble?’ Just how naïve do they think we are? Everyone was staring. monsieur? Brioches? Pains au chocolat? Why. which one do you think is the most like Benjamin Franklin? So Phil Caldwell. Fred? What’s that. do you know what the black population of the city of Oshkosh is? What is that idea in terms of numbers? Is it large or small? Dr. ‘Granmuzzer’s maiden name’? What else is there to say? That’s it? What was that about? You’re Abigail’s father. could it be that the woman we know as Nancy Ray-gun is not the former Bubbles Davis who attended Girls Latin School? But why would Ronald Reagan’s wife want to pretend she was somebody she wasn’t? Didn’t somebody just write a novel about a President’s wife being a foreign agent? Mr. didn’t you? Didn’t he know he would be 158 William Walsh attacked by The New Republic? Didn’t he know that he would provoke an argument about the possibility that what Nation tourists need to examine is not the GUM department store but the loony bins where dissidents are stashed? Didn’t he know this sort of thing could get back to Kansas City? Where. like Taos County? Do you call this ‘no décor’? How can I choose? Questionstruck 37 Why is that? And? So what did you say? What was the citation for—assault with intent to bake? Why don’t you have both? Still. holding a tiny dagger in your mouth. ‘Isn’t it funny that things like this never really mattered to us until now?’ At the start of the quarter do you hear. a member could arrange to have the wedding reception of a friend’s daughter here? Isn’t it customary for the mother of the bride to have something to say about this? You mean you’d like to put in a word for those taro cakes they do so well on the griddle? What if Abigail. a selective hunger strike? Have we somehow raised a couple of Bolsheviks here? Do I personally believe in the Evil Eye? Could you please direct me to the nearest post office? So have I never said anything about my children that might tempt the Evil Eye? Has the kid turned mean and ugly. always asks the university registrar what she calls ‘the old clincher’: Would he favor the admission of a qualified Negro to the University? They kept yelling.? Also. are you? But what do they do with the caffeine they extract? Is it just piled in heaps around Central American villages. say. Long Island. couldn’t he simply just say so? A few words would help—can’t they see? What would the cost to them be? Spring haying? Croqueting? Egg laying? Is that what you mean? Questionstruck 53 A deadline-poet laureate? Well. he thought. folks? I never saw you before in my life—did I. or what? How do you know I sniffed two dozen? Why am I doing this? Why am I bouncing a balloon for the evening news? What’s with Liz? Is she keeping her weight down? Who’s she married to these days? What ever happened to Eddie Fisher? During the flap about Larry Speakes’s memories of the Reagan White House. I can imagine plenty of people saying something like. and one Sunday this fall he said. Mr. ‘Yes. but what if I got Mark Federman to agree to carry those little pumpernickel numbers—not instead of Mrs. as-eating. can’t you relate to that? So why should we hurry down the field? You’re going to send them against all six of us? How’d you make out. is the French-fry-head San Francisco writer named Peter Stack a wimp or not?’ Why was he mad at me? What would happen if you dropped Joe Bob Briggs off a seven-story building and watched him splatter all over the pavement? Apologize for what? While she was doing that. or could you just put an extra smear of cream filling between cookies? What sort of ladder would you stand on? Would you need to know how to operate an electric can opener? What is your team? Team? You do have a team. is really Leif Ericson’s fabled Vinland? Didn’t you really like that one. the current campaign for the governorship of Kansas? If Pat Robertson looked heavenward from the Republican convention and asked whether the divine plan for his life could be adjusted to accommodate a deal to trade his delegates for a say in the vicepresidential nomination. with some of the skin left on here and there—and the pommes frites served in a chic Santa Monica restaurant called Michael’s? How about a booth that sells both the haute cuisine version of calzone turned out by Alice Waters at Chez Panisse in Berkeley and plain old lower-Manhattan-Italian-feast four-pound calzone? Would walking around a marketplace with food booths—a particularly Questionstruck 83 festive marketplace—be the equivalent of attending the sort of festival at which a stand-up sausage sandwich might be eaten? You do? Was it possible that the sun and wind of rural Kansas caused European characteristics to evaporate faster than they might in a crowded Northeastern city? Was it possible that I was witnessing the de-Balkanizing of Crawford Country? Could it be that there were not such loyalties in southeast Kansas? If I was doing this all over? Guest-starred? But why? How did Italy manage to end up with no Caribbean islands at all? What if the Pope had allowed Henry VIII’s divorce? What if Jefferson had decided that the price being asked for the Louisiana Purchase was ridiculous even considering inflation of North American real estate? What if the Italians. to invest a dollar to make a dollar (it’s just as honorable. I wonder in my most suspicious moments. Sweeney? A new transmission for your BMW? A long weekend with the missus in the Adirondacks? What’s your secret? And what happens when we’re safely lulled? If these guys in Russia are so smart. I said. would you consider that justification for having gone to war against Iraq? Or were they just destroyed in March? Or never there at all? So who’s to blame for all the rest? Will other lies come true? Can we deduce what Baghdad’s A-bomb plants will now produce? You say that makes no sense? Will Chalabi. then. to assume my family a full larder against the possibility of a drought or siege? Must you really do this? Who shall we have over to eat the ham? How about Bill and Genny? What is it? Do you mean that the Chez Helene incident was not an isolated incident? Would you like to talk about it? How can you decide to go to a jazz festival in New Orleans. if I might ask. of course. ‘have you tested the alarm on that car of yours lately?’ Who says nobody is doing anything to raise the median level of education in this country? Have you gone soft in the head? Why are you talking this way? That’s O. I don’t want to be pushy or anything. ‘Hey. ‘Shoot. it says. is she preggers? Is Mary Jane in. Clifford? What’s your thing? Yeah. preferQuestionstruck 19 ring to pretend that a person of his sensibilities could not share an artistic universe with such efforts as Mother Riley Meets the Vampire and Driller Killer and Gas Pump Girls? I had been saying to Ron. why couldn’t they find an Attorney General nominee? And if these guys were so clean. is offering because it really expects to be chosen? You mean you want to be on the map? Is your squab done expensively enough. Swedish or Danish? Are you quite sure? Are you saying that the ‘Doctor’ in front of Frank Trimani’s name means he does know something about medicine? Could you have possibly said ‘The Mob’? By that you mean Questionstruck 15 organized crime. but you might as well give it your best shot? How else would they reward him for the effort he has made persuading the workers to take what amounts to a pay cut? What if he loses his incentive altogether? Mistake. turn you into a terrorist fanatic? Have the Congressional committees concerned with whether television inspires violence in young people checked out Barney? Does that mean there are no more nerds? Did all of them get pounded into the ground like fenceposts by hulking football players? Why? Is this what’s meant by the price of progress? Are you a librarian? More coffee. Fats? How would we respond if we went home expecting apple pie and found ratatouille pie instead? What do you miss most about New York? Hiya. Hey. but 78 William Walsh could I get away with saying that the macaroni au gratin that accompanied it was done on the same principle as a Kraft dinner? How was I to describe the oeufs a la neige that were served between the fomage de France (‘just some cheese’) and gaufres de grandmere Bocuse (‘a piece of cake’)? What was it like? Was the dinner any good? What’d you have? Hard egg-white stuff? Did I tell you I bought you some candy? It’s rabbit pie instead of terrine de lievre. weren’t the people who got blamed for organizing the death squads in El Salvador really the people who did it? And what happened to them? What does that mean? That’s a punishment? Why do you think I’ve always taught you that if you’ve done something wrong you’re supposed to tell the truth and admit it? Did that man Charles Z. Monsieur Cripp? Was it when rich people began wearing cowboy boots that I included them in my concerns? Do you have any Fortune 500 companies in Humboldt? But is he? What kind of a person does Harold the Committed think I am? But didn’t we just get a new motor for the dishwasher? What are you doing about it? Are people getting tired of my ax murderer’s mask? Should I take advantage of my uncanny ability to bark like a dog by going as an unhappy Airdale? Well. have a special obligation or responsibility to make additional personal sacrifices?’ 134 William Walsh Questioner from Floater. which happen to be the best things at Nathan’s anyway? Not go in but. inviting him to step outside? Had some recent article comparing Japanese and American crime statistics put him on his guard to the point where he suspected that going outside with me might give Alice a shot at the cash register? Could he possibly have mistaken me for some sort of exchange-program-public-health inspector who might object to noodles being made in the window? Ou se trouve la plage? You wanna buy a duck? What could the orange thing next to the fish possibly have been? You don’t want any Swedish meatballs? Wouldn’t a gentleman’s club version of that event result in a lot of sand getting down into the leather armchairs? If talking Sarah into trying flounder required that much effort. he would ask. conducting their business in the street? Any ideas? Am I to assume that nobody has any ideas about how to stop this? What do you have on this.? Remember me from the restaurant today? I wonder. right when Scott was filing all that stuff about what a great reformer this guy is and how he’s the hope of Portugal? What else we got? What do you think. which have been growing? You’ll never get the money you’ve been owing? You’re running out of things you can sell? You health insurance just ran out as well? Your life is an unmitigated hell? But could it be the French are right? But could it be the French are right? But could it be the French are right? Yes. been at the White House for so many state functions to which her husband. what did you think? What do you suggest we eat in the place of Indian food? But was I really ready for health food? Aside from the fact that it has always seemed bad for my health. don’t you think. Lester—five generations in Baltimore. who are widely considered to be much nicer than Americans. the Black Hand—that sort of organization? If it turns out that JohnnyThree did have the stone concocted. in fairness. had he come up with his greatest stroke of invention. Alice? Are the Swiss thought of as people who sit around all the time eating what high-school dining halls in the Midwest call Swiss steak? Why should Kentucky be maligned? Won’t You Have Some Too? The specialty there wouldn’t be country ham.188 residents—to be known as the Ex-Tube Capital of the World? Was it fair to serious eaters in Kentucky—the Chaneys. right? Was it mere chance that she did not directly deny that she might ever conQuestionstruck 157 sider me cut-rate merchandise? Was it really possible that she might respond to the dread call with a little dickering? You mean little faults like going on an on about some particularly silly subject? Why don’t you ever call one of the big-issue columnists with this kind of thing? You’re saying. business rule: Why don’t we just repackage. be known as Zoot? Invasion force on the Kuwati border? A possible attack on Saudi Arabia? How would you feel if you decided to change your name from Mesopotamia to Iraq for the usual reasons—it fits better in headlines. George? How are things in Glocca Morra? I bring the list of future stories up to date now and then. that the conflict between the summer people and the Main Street merchants is a conflict between the landed middle class and the entrepreneurial middle class? Did I ever tell you my cousin’s experience in that field. as in the movie Wag the Dog? And when the zest for that war. been the person Denny had been closest to as an adult. Tom? Am I being fair? Do you think three dollars for a G. a friend of mine phoned and asked. if so. and other places saying No Parking Eleven A. I asked myself. Larry? So why shouldn’t the place that has the most important rock in the country sell rocks as souvenirs? What? What? What? What’s he saying? What difference will it all make? What? What? What? What? What? Why Dangerous? Why Dangerous? Why dangerous? He’s not considered very objective by scholars. simply covered in concrete? Should I move back to Kansas City? How could your people have let me down when I was calling out for help? Didn’t you tell me that until he went to check the display of some CBS magazine. each scout should ask. ‘The heck with it. aren’t all of us—all people everywhere. are old Commies supposed to go for their vacations—Palm Springs? To Russia? If Abigail Van Buren prints it. All rights reserved. as foosball pros on tour would ask the skeptical. Marcos was able to break in all those shoes without the use of political prisoners? What do I claim to be different about this situation? Who would know that the way to impress them was to send the American Army to conquer Grenada. has the only amicus curiae brief filed by the Civil Rights Division of the Justice Department been in defense of the plastic surgeon appealing the judgment awarded against him in the so-called Misplaced Belly Button Case? Why has Betty Ford. unless…do you understand Spanish? During our stay in Taormina. why not fried fish? How long could it be before the pan bagnat catches on in America? Could she be right? Where you going? You like that ceviche? When’s you plane? Would it be fair to say you’re wimping out on the guinea pig? Do you think you really have to taste every single one? Mom. you know: alternate-side parking? Meters? Is it important? You know why? You were born here? And I told him the point of this call was that my uncle didn’t have a pension. some people here are saying of our boy. he’d say. where is the patient’s arm? I heard an intern say that once: Nurse. who owns what is presumably the kitchen most likely to get the contract. what’s all the blood? You drove thirteen hundred miles to Boston in approximately twenty-four hours to meet your fiancée. darlin’? You know what that means? Do you eat it yourself? Have you ever tasted it? What’s it taste like? How could a television crew assigned to poke around in the eating habits of Natchitoches resist a cheery antithesis to the Pritikin thesis? Don’t you mean China? Why him? We just 84 William Walsh had Cantonese last night. who would want to be called Miss. is there any money specifically earmarked for rebuilding the Iraqi cut-flower Questionstruck 153 industry. and Their Friends. ‘You play baby what’? Who’s he kidding? Give us a break. as an official of the University of Georgia for the period you have stated and as President of the University of Georgia since 1950. Tepper? Any particular whitefish? Richard. but what if I asked a fairly direct question: What. could we expect to be paid for telling the same jokes that bartenders were handing out free with peanuts and kids were bringing home from school? Was I inspired by all of this? But to poetry? So nu. a movie star? But if that was a move dictated by temper rather than by scientific inquiry. 1985 In that case. it sounds less foreign—and then a country right next door that has a perfectly good name of its own. it might be beneficial to his career if he posed in one of those baggy Victorian bathing costumes for the cover of the Illustrated London News? Isn’t it simply too much.? How do you know? But why? What’s all this? Why would you want Leonard Wentzell to tell me that the President’s wife was pregnant? Do you mean you planted a phony story so I could break it and make a complete fool out of myself. precisely. zippy. the day after his memorial service. Cover design by Sarah Stanley. 2006 But will he love me like Calvin loves Alice? How’s school? Who’s that cute little Jewish girl over by the punch bowl? You mean I peaked in December of 1963? Is that right? Why would he be interested in some sort of preemptive strike? Do you feel more comfortable with attractive women because you don’t have to worry about being resented? Mommy. level? So what did you tell him? Why else would he have given up that spot? So what is it you wanted to see me about? Can I ask you a question about that? Do you go to some of the functions the mayor has in Gracie Mansion? So how do you find a spot when you go to one of these functions? What favor did you have in mind? I don’t suppose you have a nephew who you think might be good in some city job? Or maybe you’ve got a building permit application that needs a little expediting? If you’re trying to sell something that 48 William Walsh appeals specifically to rich people—let’s say one of these rarewine-of-the-month clubs—do you just send a mailing to everyone in the 10021 ZIP code anyway and not worry about hitting a lot of not-so-rich people who happen to live there because they have rent-controlled apartments? Best fund-raising list for the Republican National Committee? Exactly where on Seventyeighth Street. White House snitch. because they’re fascinated by the problem ‘How do you do a theatrical event before an enormous number of people?’ And there are tire marks on the towel? What’s the doughboy afraid of? Who could have predicted that they would prove valuable in a business career? Should Ben & Jerry’s reach toward the lucrative markets in lower New England? If so. too. she heard someone say. Jones? I can call you John—O. does that mean we can forget all of the stuff we’ve been told for the last month about heroes in our society and the pressure on African-American role models? If the next jury sends both Menendez boys up for first-degree murder. because it’s your spot. Bastow? Could there be a French-fries booth that includes both French fries from Arthur Bryant’s Barbecue in Kansas City—cooked in pure lard. not retool? Did it occur to me that there was something unfair in making fun of a President who. do you? Keep me here? Like what? Maybe some project at the office. would you. Clifford? You didn’t like that—really? How do you think it compared to the one I wrote last week—’I’m Just a Loaner While You Wait for the Two-Door Hardtop of Your Dreams’? What is it. exactly. so many restaurants advertising Continental cuisine. would it make any difference? Is there a person anywhere in the world that might make a difference in this situation? What can we do? Who would know the best people to have on the advisory committee? Who would be the best person to deliver the inaugural advisory lecture? Who Questionstruck 23 knew him? Who could recommend a likely director? Who might be interested in contributing money? The next day. do you. piece of cake’)? Why did he keep discussing land opportunities in Florida with the waiter? Was it wise to entrust my future to a man who said he’d make my name a household word in Moline? Why are you doing this? How’s the old spoon player these days? Why not? Is that what people in Pennsylvania think of as perspicacious pithiness? What qualifications do you have to advise the President? How would you feel if you decided to Questionstruck 87 change your name from Mesopotamia to Iraq for the usual reasons—it fits better in headlines. would you. displaying their lack of guts. a lech. ‘Your daddy takes the low road—nah-nah. they asked. Clinton if he had been elected president of the Fayetteville Rotary Club will be known as Bill Clinton as president of the United States? Who? Jimmy Carter? Wasn’t that the kid who used to park cars at the club? We haven’t had a Butch yet. if it’s the responsibility of statistics-reading creatures to assure the safety of dogs by putting in a mandatory-seat-belt law for them. will we no longer be a society that makes victims out of perpetrators? See what I mean? Is that the Housemaid Dirndl or would that be Plato’s Lobster Tail? Did it have a sort of tweet-tweet-tweet sound? That triggers the Davis Conundrum: does the failure to distinguish red from white undercut all the learned talk you hear about body and vintage and integrity and which side of the hill the grapes came from? If so. who knows when you’ll ever feel like going back to school even if you think it’s basically something that will stand you in good stead. Kozinski really get out of Poland? Did you ever meet this Polish Communist? Then who do you think has been spreading the rumors that Kozinski didn’t write his own books? Have you read the reviews of his last few books? Why didn’t I see it before? What are you going to tell him? My goodness. and so and so forth? Could you tell me. Bird’s wife died in the manner and in the place the minister had suggested for the murder of Mr. huh? What truck? But weren’t you following too close. did he? Do you mean he gets credit for taking the blame the way George Washington got credit for admitting that he was to blame for chopping down the cherry tree? Do you mean you really wouldn’t want to be responsible. and then find all that? Do you think I can get along without the voice-activated windshield wipers or not? How would you like it if some guy you used to refer to as Old Pasta Gut had the number-one best seller and you’d had eight publishers turn down your collected annual addresses to the Mercury dealers? Just how would you feel. I don’t mind you imitating a ventriloquist. when it is too late? You know what they told me? Don’t you have any professors in the place anymore? Which successful person does not have that feeling at times? No doubts? No understanding that a lot of it was luck? How much of what happens to Rhodes Scholars in later life has to do with the judgment of the selection committee and how much with the fact that Rhodes Scholar became part of their identity? And what is the criterion for. whatever happened to Northern Ireland? Everything hunk-dory over there these days? So what ever happened to Cyprus? So what’s with the Turks and the Greeks? And India? Could Hindus and Muslims and Sikhs have been peaceful for weeks? Are all these folks getting along now. unaccompanied by beaming White House aides and a gaggle of photographers. Reagan’s hairdresser should be getting Secret Service protection? Is he really getting Secret Service protection? Yes. com. say. ridiculous bid—cash. but what’s so oratorical about ‘basically a Puerto Rican program’? But what does it have to do with what Marc Antony said at Caesar’s funeral? What? Did not that most illustrious man. who says. I know you’re busy. now that we need you? 58 William Walsh Question: Is It Too Soon To Tell? from Too Soon to Tell 1995 Do you mean you’ve written quite a bit about Chelsea Clinton’s cat. after all. Tepper finally said. Mr. why don’t you just sit yourself down on the floor over there and peel this pile of shrimp? What did that say about fish-brain soup? Did they get up there on one Himalaya or another. that all this Gallic appetite for food and wine can seem so trite. do you think that while you talk you could pour the cereal that you’re holding in your hand? Could you just pour the cereal? Who is this Aunt Sukey you keep talking about. Mike. why were all these Washington lawyers and lobbyists gathering around the new President? Why were so many of them involved in decisions Questionstruck 55 about who would get jobs? And if Clinton and Gore together spent the campaign displaying youthful energy. like normal people? You mean eighty thousand before we knock off the ten for softness around the sides. of course. right? And where else could you get buffalo burgers or bear chops? What’d you say the course after the loup en croute was at Lutece? Could you please pass the squash? Are you just feeling guilty about the Bocuse dinner at Lutece and that burnt polecat? You’re offering to take me to Paul Bocuse in Lyons because I don’t want to have my fortieth-birthday dinner at Arthur Bryant’s or Phoenix Gardens? And you’re asking me to go to France just because you think it might be the perfect place for my birthday meal? Did it seem okay? Why else would we have seen six busloads of tourists go in there? Did she realize what she was saying? Questionstruck 79 A Third Helping of Questions from Third Helpings. had. is it okay—I mean with the police and all? Are you going down to Houston Street in front of Russ & Daughters? While you’re down there. I asked Alice. for a carat-and-fifty three fine white solitaire in platinum. guy? What are you.000 buy a Pontiac Trans Am? How about a Mars bar? If we decided to take the up-front cash and get it working for us. how would he get around the evasive answers Brookside would presumably give? What would induce anybody to reveal his private thoughts about an obviously embarrassing reversal—particularly at Antonio’s. 1977 From the jacket copy: Could it be that a typical American town like Berryville. are you a student here?’ A few minutes later. Murray? Are you out here because you’re still mad that they moved the Dodgers to L. and what little boy wants to take after people who are nervous? How did this family—a family indistinguishable from thousands of other poor Eastern European Jewish families saying their farewells to the czar. I had been dyslexic? What if it had become obvious at some point that I wasn’t capable of making the sort of high-school grades necessary to get into Yale. Tepper? Tell me. on an impulse. would you. Oregon. Your Honor? You sure we need a Viking Village. what was the likelihood of finding a fish taco superior to those at Tacos Bajas Ensenada. the man next to me says. if I may ask? Murray. holding the hog up there. like so much coal slag? If so. kiddo? Is that right? Did you look in the basement? Why would anybody want to read about our old armchair? Why do I need you to teach me? Wasn’t this the summer you were going to learn Spanish? Now that I think of it. if you have a few minutes. while in the neighborhood searching out a stew of local renown? It is true that I Questionstruck 73 hate scenery. sir? Understand my directions? Ou se trouve la plage? Where does it find itself the beach? What’d you do on your vacation to Paris? Are you trying to make a fashion statement? Do I want to risk being taken for someone who is striving for the ragamuffin look? But would anybody from my high school Questionstruck 31 consider blue jeans that had a sign on them ‘real blue jeans’? But I finally decided. does she? Did something bad happen at school? Why did he say you’re a dupe? If you’re literary. or has she been recently. ours. wouldn’t our interests in the South Pacific suffer severely if the King of Tonga. Sununu. I think of some advice my mother often gave: Why start something? I have a sort of form postcard to deal with those letters: ‘Who are you going Questionstruck 33 to believe. an ordinary turtle? Isn’t Steven just an ordinary turtle? Are you divorced yet? But how could he have survived 64 William Walsh with nobody there to hand-feed him? I wanted to reassure Canada.M. 1990 Then what exactly does he do? Are you one of those columnists who’s always writing about how funny it was the time the basement got flooded during Christmas dinner? What does your husband usually write about? Aren’t you ashamed of making a living that way? Then I take it. George? George? George. or was it engineered by some brilliant agent of the spinach interests trying to pull another Popeye? Who spread the word on putting a celery stalk in a Bloody Mary? Was it the word spreader who told everyone about serving Bloody Marys in goblets? What’s his angle? How does everybody know what sort of cheese to have melted on the special bacon-cheeseburger? And which enemy of the language figured out the names? Why would anyone want to get away from a city that has a thousand Chinese restaurants? What do you hear about the new Japanese place on Charles? You talking about that great new fish place on Hudson? What great new fish place on Hudson? The Danish takeout place with the gravlax and the herring? Isn’t Reading just a grimy factory town? Is there some sort of country inn there? Is there something historic about the buildings? Old row houses or something? Nothing? Was it salmon or the Arctic char that was so marvelous at Chez Pauze the last time we were there? How about the Italian restaurant that was supposed to be so good? How can we eat Italian food in a city famed for its own version of French cuisine? What is New Orleans famous for? What’s your favorite restaurant in New Orleans? Because I won’t get to go to a dinner cooked by Paul Bocuse. pregnant? Is being approached from the left by a drill much more terrifying for the average dental patient than being approached from the right? Who do you think will be named in a memo from Woody this afternoon as the new chief of our Ottawa bureau. Used by permission of author. Duane? A big rock? Kind of round? Does the first word look like a ‘C. after all. by ten tomorrow morning?’ What kind of writer? What kind of freelance writer? A sign painter? Somebody wrote ‘Yield Right of Way’? Do you think something like ‘Yield Right of Way’ writes itself? Do you think it was written by the gorilla who installed the signs on the Expressway? Have you been going under the impression that ‘Vehicles Weighing Over Five Tons Keep Right’ was composed by John V. Fred? Is that a trend? Pete? Are you back there. does that mean a Star Wars ABM could hit an Iraqi nuclear missile? And. are you telling me this? But why particularly me? Why are you parked here today? And do you intend to leave? What do you mean. when did it begin to sour. coffee maker is really starting low enough? How many people here love their husbands? How many people like my auction sale so far? What is this—a conspiracy against me? Did you all get together next door and say. ‘Well. Uncle Wash?’ What. when I could come in any weekday and have my choice of baked farmer cheese with scallions or baked farmer cheese with vegetables or even baked farmer cheese with pineapple? Who was I to complain about a little break in my Houston Street routine when there were millions of people all over the world who would never taste Russ & Daughters chopped herring? Isn’t she cute? Is the whitefish good? Could he now plan. how interesting’ really what he wants to hear? And how can I tell them I’m saving room for dessert when it is widely known that my policy with food is to eat it on a first-come-first-served basis? Where did you and your wife meet? Are we comparing it now to spiraling worldwide inflation? What sin did I commit to deserve this? Don’t you miss England? Is that what comes to mind when you think about England? Is the wine appropriate? Are there enough forks? Are there enough waiters? Did the waiter flick the crumbs from the table on the proper side of the person who deposited them there? Never? Are you really going to England just because you want a potato latke? Well. January 2009 Bonus questions available online www. terminal at Kennedy any more likely to have enough cabs for three hundred and forty-two people than it is to have enough cabs for three hundred and sixty-one people? How much can you lift? How much can you lift? Could I ask how often you work out? Three times a week? Did you bulk up like Randall—eat two dozen eggs. wouldn’t he have done a better job of tying up loose ends than that? 12 William Walsh Questionstruck from Runestruck. Tepper. as the main course of his dessert course. Big? Haven’t you heard? NEH? When Reagan named a neoconservative to chair NEH. could it be said that there’s a sweetie-pie in the picture? Tell me: are wedding bells breaking up that old gang of mine? What Europe? Who said anything about Europe? What could define the Bush Administration better than a speech that nobody could remember anything about two weeks later? Where’s the beef? Now a dozen years of voodoo economics have helped put us all in the soup. Becker said. that they gave the black people the shortest month? If Lincoln freed the slaves and preserved the Union. to put it another way. nya-nya-nya? So this one with the gut turns out to be as much of a thug as the other one. how come there are so many lawyers? My curiosity about the new Vanity Fair has been dominated by one question: Why wasn’t I asked to subscribe? A few years ago. whose name Tepper didn’t know? How would he know? Why must they pester us with those cards? Whadaya. Joe: it’s one ticket? Why Don’t ‘Jillette’ Me Have Your Coin Business? A manicure? Is it supposed to get better? Do you think he was really standing naked under a Nazi flag? Is there a line in the MOFO number that is not needed? During their dangerous version of what Penn calls a ‘wimpy trick. Toshiki. one of whom had been so savagely beaten that his arm was partly paralyzed and his speech remained slurred? Or was it the Lozanos. or was it mostly that policy stuff? So tell me—how was your summer? Where’d you prep? What does it mean in English when it’s said someone ‘doesn’t have a whole lot upstairs’? Do you think I’ve overdone my ax murderer’s mask? Do you think I’ve overdone it? Did you think that old bathrobe was a good addition last year? What are you going as? You don’t think I might have spawned a lot of imitators. if it isn’t. with thoughts that U. Kitty? You O. which is what a Shearson Lehan salesman who phoned him at dinnertime in Tokyo to discuss IRA opportunities would have called him? Listen. you may ask. and I’d think. then. why don’t we go to a Peking place for lunch? Can’t you see? What can the struggle of the two great forces for the domination of the world mean if the Reds are on Diners? What’s Macau like? Even if it occurred to him to do it.A. at Abigail’s wedding and Sarah’s wedding? Then how about the baby’s father’s parents? They should not be present for the birth of their grandchild even though a perfect stranger—that’s how they describe their daughter-in-law’s stepmother—is there? So how can I be from Kansas City? You mean because she’s a fancy Eastern girl and you’re just a simple lad from the Midwest? Daddy. ‘Question: In your opinion. how would the recorded voice of the weather girl know whether I was making a beep or not? What did he say? What else is new. would you? Why can’t you just worry about high interest rates or acid rain or The Bomb. isn’t it possible that. at the beginning of the Christmas shopping season of 1991. instantly depreciating new car? Have you seen those TV ads they’re running where the guy keeps buying things and pretty soon he turns into a pig? What’s the difference? How many people ever heard of Polaroid? How many people would pay me fifty cents for this Baby Ben alarm clock? What’s the difference? Would you mind coming in out of the doorway. right? Whatever happened to having a chat on a park bench? Whatever happened to having a chat on the stoop? What? You mean I should write letters. a family that could have been expected to fetch up on. Stockman? As it happens. The text featured in this book originally appeared in the collected works of Calvin Trillin. Pepper? Who is this nut? Or how about the gorilla? I hate to be in the position of throwing cold water on the hopes and dreams of the young. Did you come here and say. was president of the N. Fred? How’s the family? Was Cyprus really worse than that horde of clerical press agents? What would happen. Mr. did you do that? You don’t happen to know who did the big ‘NO’ sign at Coney Island? The one that has one ‘NO’ in huge letters and then lists all the things you can’t do in smaller letters next to it? Can I get you another drink? What do you do? Who was interested in a family awning business? What could he ever do to compete with people like that? You mean read tea leaves and that sort of thing? How do you think these hostesses know which people to ask? Do you realize the administrative problems of keeping up with who the hot people are—just in newspaper reading alone?—how could such developments be predicted?—When was that? What can I get you to drink? Have you seen good old Elliot and Myrna lately? What is Elliot doing now? Aren’t the Cretins just too much. please answer my question: Why did the Marines invade Cuba? Who are Cuba’s enemies? Is that why the Marines invaded Guantánamo bay? Then why didn’t the Marines invade the Cuba part of Cuba? Are you sure you wouldn’t rather discuss whether or not a bowl of Cheerios fulfills your minimum daily requirements for preservatives? Why are the Russian troops in Cuba anyway? Who is Fidel Castro? How can he be nonaligned? Are you sure this isn’t the sort of thing you ought to talk to her about. Lindsay? You mean to say you’re being paid for writing ‘Stop’ and ‘One Way’ and ‘Slow’? —his self-confidence was awesome. Mr. do you? Greta. doesn’t it to you. because of the role she accepted from history. Big Grant submitted a history proposal with a thesis that amounted to this: slavery was bad. monsieur? What’s the matter. Pete? Are there any feet in them? Where could Wentzell be? Where could Mary Jane be? By force? Flemish separatists? Why Flemish separatists? Does Washington have rent control? Why not? Are you listening. Navasky? Where are your politics. can you get gefilte fish on the regular sushi special. happened to be taken ill while on a foreign trip and nevertheless tried his best to carry on with his duties? But. King. like Doc Holliday showing his aces? Is Steve’s Ice Cream what comes to mind when you think of Boston? How. is the principle involved? Don’t you feel at all sad about leaving The Nation? But will you get along without him? Who’s this Navasky anyway? What’s this mean here—’There’s no gonif like a left-wing gonif ’? Allen had been affable enough when he took Slowly and me to lunch. check. was Uncle Bob crazy? Or who has something on whom? Hey. that ‘double-knit’ came from watching the future administrator of the State Department knit his brow? Would alliteration come next? Could it be that in addition to my other worries—the bomb.. why did they have to wait twenty years to tell us so? How was he supposed to get elected? How was he supposed to get the nomination? Mad at him? Don’t you ever Questionstruck 123 feel like going home? What’s their word for weenie? What are you talking about? What’d you think it was? Have you belonged here long? So what was I doing there. zany friends—and I know you got ‘em. President. and decide that they could never return to a place where mountain climbing meant schlepping to foothills on the weekends? Did they just stay in Nepal. the home of the push and shove. Daddy? No? Why can’t you be interested in something like how the Georgetown Hoyas got their name? Nittan.J. and New Pony: A Horse Less Press Anthology. perhaps.K. but a bunny’s a bunny. why did it have to be those two imbeciles who found the thing? Why couldn’t the damned thing have washed up in front of you or Milly Duffrin or somebody? Do you understand that? Then you didn’t have the stone with you when you left the library? Why are you so certain? What’s that. eking out a living as consultants to the jute marketing board? Would I lie to you about something as important to me as fried dumplings? Catfish? How did you happen to learn how to do all that? Ever hear of Hoover? Does it taste like chocolate? Questionstruck 85 Question: Can’t You Say Something Nice? from If You Can’t Say Something Nice. or are you smiling? My list? What do you mean my list? Remember? What’s the connection? What’s the connection between accountants and designer jeans? What’s the connection between the nose-hair clipper and the newsletter? Who knows? We’ve had calls? In play? His principals? And what did you say about your principals? What’s the matter? Do you think it’s all right to rent out their names? We live in Questionstruck 49 a…what do you call it? Should I just sit down in this thing? How do you know that I haven’t secreted in one of my body orifices a tiny penknife with which I intend to carve out the mayor’s gizzard? But Trotskyite? What do the numbers look like? And you think this is from Tepper? So how do you suggest that I handle this Tepper problem? Then the sale of Worldwide Lists doesn’t entail you and your partner staying on to run it for a period of time? And no series of advice manuals? No speaking tours? And. huh? You mean the horse and the fat woman? The question about those aromatic advertisements that perfume companies are having stitched into newspapers is this: under the freedoms guaranteed by the First Amendment. and then a husky student with a heavy Georgia accent leaned over the booth and said. Larry? What Italian stuff? Let’s just say. Tropez? If not. Aunt Rosie. what are disco banks? You mean like a blood bank or an organ bank? How have you been? You mean since the last time you saw me—yesterday? And you? Did Greta write you another letter accusing you of using too much copy paper or something? Can I talk to you sort of confidentially? Jennifer Kanter? What does Jennifer Kanter have to do with this? Listen. mister? Is it possible that some of your ancestors were. Pop? You lose the instructions and now there’s a Lawrence Welk retrospective you want to save for posterity? You think that’s a mean-spirited basis for a hobby? And how did such evidence find its way to the District Court? And Jack Valenti? What are you doing? Is it supposed to be funny? What time is it? Did alarm bells go off? Is this further evidence that people are alike no matter where they come from and that we should therefore try to get along with each other and banish prejudice and give our extra change to UNICEF? Did you ever see such slitty little pig eyes? Is it possible. is there a chance for a draft deferment. the Pontifex Maximus. is invading your own base kind of like the man you told me about in the Rose Bowl who got the ball and ran over his own goal line? What did the Russians do? To spy? Governor. you looking to get your face rearranged? If the first European on these shores brought practically nothing but trouble. after all. Publius Scipio. and what better place than the small. sir? What kind of car were you looking at? What was your trade in? Who was your salesman? Of course you want to think about it. thrifty homeowners all. have a two-dollar bill that is worth only US $1. and what. you got any grass to sell? What are a few hundred dollars compared to the life of a man who risked everything in order to smash a flourishing drug ring in West Chester? Were you engaged in any other activities that made you valuable as a police officer? Why didn’t Berry just lock the door if he had Questionstruck 9 been threatened? But then why would people spend a weekday afternoon at Lou’s Place arguing about water dogs? What better time than midnight on New Year’s Eve. why should he spend his money on an overlarge. you ask. people ask me. No Record. Mike? What’s this I hear about the Minnick kid finding some rock? The Minnick kid in the Questionstruck 13 Army that hit his sergeant? Well? You’ve never actually brought him in for anything. so why assume that college freshmen are being literal if they happen to identify Baton Rouge as a continent very near Cambodia? Where is Russia? What is the Danube? Do you realize that my computer is capable of producing a spreadsheet? Why would you need the pi function? Self-serving? It may seem perfectly reasonQuestionstruck 93 able. ‘Why don’t you come back?’ It’s school—spirit? And even at the time. Sununu? Oh. that she and her boyfriend had been living together for a few years but hadn’t yet decided whether to tie the knot? What was so great about being manipulative? Was I meant to admire someone who was willing to trim his beliefs to fit the next Administration? If there’s a cartel in bananas. why was Gore standing silently behind Clinton at Little Rock press conferences? Had he become—to use an old Russian phrase once used about one of Gorbachev’s vice presidents. Hughes getting along? Is there a foundation there that we can look at? What’s the use. Admiral? How are you.’ is he irritating enough to give the audience a split second of guilty satisfaction when he seems to have been stabbed in the hand by the partner he was irritating? What do you mean by ‘poetic’? Are you going to do a trick for us today? How’s your show doing in this market? You creaming the competition? What’s next for you after this? As Penn was wiping his face after the second squirting. and Miami—Why Not Atlanta?’ During the Georgia State case. right? What would happen. why didn’t the authorities at Davis write to deny the existence of the Davis Conundrum? And if no test existed. Questions / 145 Questionably On He Sails / 151 Heckuva Question / 155 More Uncivil Questions / 157 Questions About Alice / 171 Questionstruck 7 Questionings from Killings.’ and may therefore be beyond His help—but what about. was Uncle Bob crazy? Or who has something on whom? Hey. Lipides. exclusive clubs. cutting off my supply completely? Will the place be run the same way? Where would that leave me? But what if that person—the same person who has tasted the clams—happens to have a wife who would commit armed robbery for the right piece of chocolate cake and that wife has found the chocolate cake served in a restaurant in Edgartown. Why is it that everybody gets to see the mountains but me? But what if he had been asked what he would do if the mountain was not. how did I get a chigger bite in Paris. there is a serious shortage of flowers over there and that Iraqis might be greeting our troops with flowers if Iraqis had any flowers? Mr. Iraq. so I can serve the people of this great city to the best of my ability? Didn’t we have a security check yesterday? The mayor particularly worried about forces of disorder this week? Grandmother’s maiden name? Do you have a reason to believe I’m not me? How do you know what the iris of my right eye is supposed to look like? Remember that second shot that seemed like a real close-up? You mean the mayor was this worried about the forces of disorder three years ago? Just look into the machine. how you doin’? Do you know what I miss in New York? You mean the sense of elegance? Don’t you ever miss Kansas City? Are you going to look for another spot? But do you remember my idea of a food tour of New York? Do you mean you’d take them for a tour of the grease pits? What do you think? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why do fools fall in love? Why do birds sing so gay? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? ROYALTY WINDFALL FOR SINGER’S WIDOW? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why do birds sing so gay? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Why Do Fools 22 William Walsh Fall in Love? Why Do Fools Fall in Love? You ever heard of that? What’s that? Is that kinda clear? Why all this goddam monkey business? Why don’t you let me try and make a living? Why not? I don’t know that the guy leaves us any choice. ‘Yeah. or have you been trying out the pink Catawba wine again? How in the world would you know that these people had lunch at Snerd’s? Hey. James H. two of whom served time in state prison because an Ahumada had broken the code that required Casa Blanca people to settle their arguments in Casa Blanca? Why doesn’t she save her own sons? Why doesn’t she save their souls? Do you know what you’ve done? Do you really know what you’ve done? If Stevens was not guilty of FaNee Cooper’s death—found so by twelve of his peers—who was? Was there a way that Leo and JoAnn Cooper could have prevented FaNee from choosing the path she chose? Would she still be alive if Leo Cooper had not jumped into his car and driven to the end of the driveway to investigate? Did she in fact tell Charlie Stevens that her father would hurt them—or even that her father had a gun? Did she want to get away from her parents even at the risk of tearing around dark country roads in Charlie Steven’s dismal Pinto? Or did she welcome the risk? Wouldn’t you know it? Lynn Bergfalk had seen Theng Pao cry a couple of times