A reader named Susan writes in, “We’re desperate for Blog Guy’s take on the modest couple that crashed the White House state dinner … Tell us how they did it…”

Well Susan, everybody is trying to make this seem very complicated, while ignoring the obvious truth: it was a simple mistake.

I’m thinking Michaele and Tareq Salahi were supposed to go to a party at 1602 Pennsylvania Avenue, but a GPS glitch deposited them at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue instead, and they just followed the other guests.

Washington is full of over-the-top McMansions, so it’s easy to get confused.

I believe Michaele was carrying a Whitman’s Sampler, which is a typical hostess gift if you’re invited to dinner in this town.

I myself have been to several parties at the White House, so I know something about this. Once you’re inside, everybody does the same thing. You wander in awe from room to room, saying, “What do you think that painting is worth?”

This goes on until you innocently slip an ashtray or something like that into your pocket, and then a stern Secret Service man firmly walks you out the door with what seems to be the traditional White House farewell:

“We can do this the easy way or the hard way, sir…”

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Above: President Barack Obama greets Michaele Salahi and her husband Tareq during a state dinner for India’s Prime Minister Manmohan Singh (L) at the White House in this official White House photo released November 27, 2009. REUTERS/ Samantha Appleton-The White House/Handout

Below: The Salahis arrive for state dinner, November 24, 2009. REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst

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Dammit Johnson, you call yourself a NEWS photographer? I send you out to shoot a government official at a press conference, and THIS is what  you come back with? Half his face is missing!

Sorry Boss, but there are problems with his mouth…

Oh? He doesn’t have one?

Yes, he has one, but I believe his lips are covered in giant cold sores, and he has a purple rash all over his chin, and, uh, most of his teeth are either missing or rotten, and his gums…

I’m not INTERESTED in  the man’s oral problems, Johnson! So this is the only photo you got of his face?

No, of course not, Boss. I got this one on the left, too…

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Ireland’s Minister for Justice Dermot Ahern addresses the media in Dublin, November 26, 2009. REUTERS/Cathal McNaughton

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Blog Guy, thanks to your readers, by now most people are aware of a major plot involving prominent people like Brad Pitt, Jake LaMotta, Madonna, Salma Hayek…

Members of their secret society identify themselves to each other by wearing distinctive white hats, as you have shown repeatedly.

Now, the blogosphere is ablaze with rumors that you’ve uncovered a major new twist in the conspiracy.

Yes, I’m writing this from an undisclosed location, and I’m in great danger, but the truth needs to get out.

Have a look at these photos from Queen Elizabeth’s recent visit to Bermuda. It’s a regular white hat orgy!

At this rate, look for Jake LaMotta to show up at Buckingham Palace any day now.

This is very interesting. Blog Guy, not long ago you yourself were making fun of people who believe in conspiracy theories, calling them nutjobs.

That was before I learned this one really exists. I must be sane or I wouldn’t have a blog, would I? Plus, this could be my only chance to meet Salma Hayek.

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Above: Britain’s Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip exit an open horse drawn landau in Hamilton, Bermuda November 25, 2009. REUTERS/Hans Deryk

Middle: Prince Philip. REUTERS/Hans Deryk

Combo top: Actress Salma Hayek, REUTERS/Asmaa Waguih

Combo bottom: Tibet’s exiled spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, REUTERS/ Pool

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Blog Guy, I’ve been closely following the case of that creepy director Roman Polanski, who apparently will be released under house arrest in Switzerland soon, but I wonder if you can clear up some details for me.

Well, I’m no lawyer, but I’ll do my best.

Thanks. So he’s going to be staying in a Swiss chalet, from what I’ve read. Any idea what it looks like?

Yeah, if it’s the one we think it is, there’s a general view of it in this combo shot.

Very interesting. Are there TV cameramen outside the chalet where we think he’ll be going?

Yes, you can see that in the middle shot.

And what do you think the chalet looks like through the camera’s viewfinder?

That shot on the right should answer that question. Is that all you wanted?

Not exactly. What I was REALLY wondering was, what would it look like if a farmer were to stand in front of the chalet?

Well, why didn’t you say so? I think I can help you out with that, too.

You’re the BEST, Blog Guy. Does that farmer raise pigs? What would they look like?

You’ve got me there, but we’ll get on it right away!

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Combo left: General view of the ‘Milky Way’ chalet, which according to Swiss newspapers, is the residence of film director Roman Polanski, in the Swiss mountain resort of Gstaad, November 27, 2009. Swiss authorities will release Polanski into house arrest as soon as he posts $4.5 million bail while the film director fights extradition to face U.S. sentencing over a 1977 case of sex with a 13-year-old girl.

Combo middle: A TV cameraman films the ‘Milky Way’ chalet.

Combo right: The ‘Milky Way’ chalet, is seen through a viewfinder.

Below, right: A farmer stands in front of the ‘Milky Way’ chalet.

REUTERS photos by Christian Hartmann

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Looking in on our coverage of a big motor show in Germany, I see something called the “Gunbus,” described as “the biggest motorcycle in the world.”

How big is it?  It’s over 11 feet long, which means it would be sort of like enjoying the freedom of the open road in a stretch limo without the body attached.

What sheer marketing genius, to take the most fabled, romantic, iconically independent travel machine in history, and introduce the word “bus” to the name!

It’s like running into the dudes from “Easy Rider” waiting for a Greyhound.

Just imagine. When you stop at a biker hangout and the other guys are looking for somebody to beat up, who do you think is going to attract their attention?

They’re going to be like, ”Hey, look at the dork with low self-esteem whose bike has a guest bedroom attached! Let’s beat the crap out of him!”

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A model poses with ‘Gunbus’, the biggest motorcycle in the world, according to its manufacturer, during a press presentation prior to the Essen Motor Show in Essen, November 27, 2009. REUTERS/Ina Fassbender

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Blog Guy, I saw a photo of a ballerina smoking, which really disturbed me. I think of everything having to do with ballet as being healthy and squeaky-clean.

You couldn’t be more wrong. As an art form, classic ballet makes rap look like gospel singing. At least this ballerina is smoking backstage. Until fairly recently, dancers smoked and took swigs from vodka bottles while dancing onstage.

Are you sure about this, Blog Guy?

Oh, grow up. Have you seen “The Sleeping Beauty,” one of the most popular ballets? The subtext here is that the princess is too hammered to stand up.

No!

And THE most endearing ballet, “The Nutcracker.” Oh please, giant dancing mice battle a walnut-cracking soldier? That’s an absinthe and acid flashback if ever there was one!

Wait a second, Blog Guy. Surely my very favorite, “Swan Lake,” is a wholesome tale?

Oh, you mean “Those Swans are So Beautiful, Hand me my Crossbow?”

Blog Guy, do you really know anything about the ballet?

About as much as any other subject. Why do you ask?

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Above: A Croatian ballet dancer smokes in a theater cafe during a break in rehearsals for a new ballet show, in Zagreb, November 26, 2009. REUTERS/Nikola Solic

Right: A general view during the dress rehearsal for The Nutcracker ballet at the Sadlers Wells Theatre in London, in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Eddie Keogh

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Blog Guy, I’m sick and tired of the violence all around me, and I want to do something to protest it. What’s a good idea?

Well, you could get a tattoo, like these people in Cuba protesting violence.

No, see, you don’t understand. Why would I go through something involving pain if I want to protest violence?

Ah, I see your point. Then maybe you should get a body piercing, instead, like some of these other protesters. Maybe your navel, or nose, or tongue, or…

No! That’s even worse! I’m anti-violence. I want something peaceful….

Right, now I get it. How about cutting off your leg with a hacksaw?

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A woman reacts as she has an object pierced and placed in her navel during the No Violence festival in Havana November 21, 2009. Brother Saiz, an association of young Cuban artists, organized the festival and used tattoos and body piercing to draw people’s attention to gender violence issues.

An artist tattoos on a man’s back during the No Violence festival in Havana November 21, 2009.

A man has an image of the late rebel hero Ernesto “Che” Guevara tattooed on his body during the No Violence festival in Havana November 21, 2009.

REUTERS/Stringer photos

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People say to me, “Bob, what are YOU thankful for on this Thanksgiving?” and I tell them plenty of stuff, because I am truly blessed.

I’m thankful for family, friends, home and health, and a chance to entertain people with this blog, which I may actually start doing any day now.

I’m also thankful that as of 2:30 p.m. today I haven’t caught even the briefest glimpse of the Macy’s Parade, and that I live in a country where nobody can force me to listen to ukulele music.

But I guess most of all, I’m thankful that I’m not either of these guys in these pictures… Life is great!

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Left: Detroit Lions fan wears a turkey hat on his head before the start of the Thanksgiving Day NFL football game against the Green Bay Packers in Detroit, Michigan November 26, 2009.

Right: Green Bay Packers fan wears a cheese head hat with a fake turkey on top before the start of the game.

REUTERS photos by Rebecca Cook

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Blog Guy, I heard on the news that some poor man died a fiendishly horrible death a couple of days ago over there in Spain. Do you know what I’m talking about?

Yes, and we have a photo from the unspeakably tragic scene. Some sensitive readers may wish to stop reading at this point.

Is it really true that the guy…

Yes, he was sucked into a huge cotton candy machine at a carnival, and there was no way to turn it off in time.

This once again focuses on the hideous danger of cotton candy machines, which kill about 40,000 people a year world-wide and pull off countless arms and legs, spinning and flossing them into a macabre “treat.”

I had no idea…

Why do you think most cotton candy is the color it is? It doesn’t start out that way, if you catch my drift. It’s from the body parts that are in the mix.

Where do you think the phrase “pinky” comes from, and the expression “in the pink.”

Blog Guy, I think this is more of your made-up horse poop.

You may be right. My fact-checker isn’t working today, and I’m off to have some turkey.

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Manuel Bandera performs during a rehearsal of the musical “Chicago” in Madrid November 19, 2009. REUTERS/Nacho Doce

A child eats cotton candy during a temple fair in Beijing January 19, 2009. REUTERS/Jason Lee

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It’s that time of year again, when college seniors start asking me for career advice.

“Bob,” writes one student at a northeastern college, “I picked up a glossy pamphlet on the exciting field of professional frisking.

“I’m good with my hands, so I thought this might be an option for me.”

Well, I get this question a lot, and of course there is much to be said for this glamorous career. You do get to grope interesting people, and use phrases like “Spread ‘em,” “You know the drill,” and “Up against the wall, pond-scum!”

Best of all it’s mostly night work, which leaves your days free to do whatever it is you thought you were going to do with that Art History degree.

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Top: A suspect is frisked by a policeman patrolling the slum district of Petare in Caracas, November 21, 2009.

Left: A 15-year-old girl is searched for weapons by a policewoman during a raid near a hospital at the slums of Petare in Caracas, November 22, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Carlos Garcia Rawlins

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