So Ronaldo's leaving united? Big whoop. As Ian Herbert so eloquently points out, that £80 million will go a long way in Manchester. The real casualty, as far as I'm concerned is his mother.
Let's set aside the fact that she has repeatedly made known her desire to leave the UK, and concentrate on the positives here - for there are many positives, many things that have won Dolores Aveiro a special place in our hearts.
Take, for instance this photo. It pretty much sums up everything that's so great about dear Dolores. First, look what she's wearing. She look ridiculous, yes, But not as ridiculous as Posh, in all her Chanel hotpant-ed glory. Or any of the other designer-labelled twiglets that tend to cluster in the VIP boxes of such events. Dolores looks ridiculous in the same way you or I might look ridiculous if we'd turned out to support our son's game of footy.
Then consider that interview where she bolshily insisted that she chooses all Ronaldo's girlfriends for him - or that one where she insisted he'd only ever dated two women, or that one where...the list goes on.
Dolores, we salute you. You'll be missed.

It must be true because it’s all over Twitter – Patrick Swayze is dead.

Actually, he’s not – his publicist has confirmed the actor is still alive after the rumour got out of hand as gossip-monger tweeted the bad news to each other furiously.

"This is to confirm that Patrick Swayze did not pass away (on Tuesday) morning contrary to severely reckless reports stemming from a radio station in Jacksonville, Florida,"

"Patrick Swayze is alive, well and is enjoying his life and he continues to respond to treatment."

In fact, Gawker is now claiming that the radio station in question is denying any reports came from them – and the blame is being put firmly on the twitterers.

Its not the first time that the hothouse of Twitter has produced empty vessels – last week a one year old story that the California Supreme Court had overturned a gay marriage ban produced a new wave of needless rejoicing,

And the week before rumours of an Amazon plot against gay book sales provoked pointless outrage.

Perhaps its no big deal – these things right themselves eventually and Twitter will fade from our list of must-use social media, but damage to reputations and feelings has already been done.

But journalists and editors may feel heartened – user generated news theories may need a little refining after all.

There is a new, if somewhat unlikely, poster-boy, for all you tax rebels out there, in the unassuming form of John Leech, Liberal Democrat spokesman for transport. He’s just been forced to take his car off the road after being snapped driving his blue mini cooper with an expired tax disk.

“It’s ultimately my fault but I do feel a bit annoyed,” complains a dejected Leech. “I didn’t receive a reminder and that’s what normally alerts people. I’d like to think people recognise that I’m not just stupid.” Mm.

One particular detail of Sir Allen Stanford’s tearful interview with ABC strikes Pandora right in the empathy glands: the poor chap has been forced to fly economy. “They make you take your shoes off any everything,” sobs the cricket magnate, who is under suspicion of large-scale fraud. “It’s terrible!” Someone stem the blood rushing from our heart. Please?

Words of wisdom from fashion designer Roberto Cavalli, who is fast becoming the recession's answer to “Krazy” Karl Lagerfeld. “I love poor people!” he exclaims in a suitably fabulous interview with Grazia. “I am glad of the recession. It had to come. It’s good because it makes you think. Maybe now I do something different. Is it enough to make happiness though clothes? Is there something more? I don’t know.”

Sweet, isn’t he?

The elegantly sordid saga of Dispatches, Darius Guppy and the London Mayor continues apace, with convicted fraudster Guppy defending his (and Boris Johnson's) honour from the distant shores of Cape Town.

The subject at hand is his notorious phone conversation with the young Johnson - then a hack on the Daily Telegraph - in which the pair discuss beating up a fellow journalist. After years of silence, it was broadcast for the first time earlier this week, as part of the Dispatches documentary The Trouble With Boris.

Now Guppy, hitherto conspicuously quiet on the subject, has written a defiant letter to the Telegraph, proclaiming his "pride and honour" in his behaviour.

"I was amused to hear from friends in London of a Channel 4 Dispatches programme," he begins. "Try as Mr Johnson's political opponents may …it boils down to this: we are not talking about a conspiracy on the part of 10 cage-fighting thugs to assault Mother Teresa; we are concerned with an entirely justifiable desire on my part to teach a lesson to a News of the World reporter."

Sadly whether or not Bozza agrees - or indeed, is grateful for his one-time friend's show of 'support' - remains unclear. The Mayor, perhaps wisely, avoided commenting on the subject.

Hilarity amongst Coldplay fans who, on visiting the solemn band’s website, have been met by a lingering April Fool’s joke.

“It's been announced today that Coldplay are to boldly go where no musicians have gone before, by recording in zero gravity,” reads the side-splitting message. “Later this year, the band will board a modified Boeing 727 aircraft, which can provide zero gravity for periods of 20-25 seconds at a time.”

Just a barrel of laughs aren’t they?

Sensational news from the World Wide Web, now, as we hear that Simon Cowell is not a fan of Twitter. “What's sad is having to use the language like (one’s) 17,” says Simon, in what may be the most surprising revelation since news that Michael Jackson would not be attending Jade Goody’s funeral. “It's like phoning someone randomly, who's number you don't have, and talking to them." Well, fancy that.
In other news: london transport is experiencing a few hiccups, and RBS having problems with their customer satisfaction.

The rumours surrounding Pete Postlethwaite’s next film, the Age of Stupid, appear to have got the better of its star. In a recent interview, the urbane actor claimed that both Barack Obama and Prince Charles have asked to see the film, which depicts life in a post-global warming world. Obama, he added, was planning on screening the film before the senate.

Disappointingly, I’m told that no such requests have been made. “I'm afraid that both of those are rumours that have been getting more and more exaggerated,” says a spokesman for the project. “The reality is that Prince Charles has expressed interest in seeing the film. And, regarding Obama, the Center for American Progress [a pro-Obama think tank] are hosting the US premiere of the film. That's it.”

 Perhaps someone should pass the word on?

It says something for Emily Blunt's pulling power when she manages to drag an ageing smoothy like Bill Nighy out on a wet windy school night.

The debonair actor, pictured, pitched up at the London premiere of Young Victoria on Tuesday night, even though he's not in the film.

"I don't come to other peoples premieres because I always feel a bit of a lemon. But I am here because I adore Emily," he said. "She is not only deeply charming and alluring she is also incredibly gifted. She has everything required, a masterful range, she is obviously glamorous, she is funny as anything and she is a good laugh too. And now she owes me dinner."